Today's Big Stuff | Coming in hot and early 11.30.21

11.30.21

It’s Tuesday. There are 343 days until the midterm elections. The president tells us to keep calm, the Jan. 6 committee might actually do something this week and it’s time to get boosted. 

Be advised: We cuss alot and spell shit wrong. Oh goddamnit. It’s A LOT. Not alot. Fuck. 

Note: Hey there, sexy patriots. Give us a minute while we again bask in your sexy patriotism. We really did miss y’all over the break, so we’ve savoring that shit again today. And honestly we needed the pick-me-up after the phone call we just had.

A few days ago, Lauren Boebert said that newsletters are stupid because they’re just a bunch of symbols and words she can’t understand. She was extra pissed she can’t draw on them with her crayons because they come on a phone and not the fucking menu at Bob Evans. Anyway, she put out a tweet saying she was sorry if she offended anyone who can read and said she’d call us to apologize. We knew that wasn’t a real apology and that she was full of it, but we figured every minute she’s on the phone with us is a minute she’s not beating a cop with the American flag or giving her restaurant customers the shits. But everything went south when she couldn’t figure out how to use a phone and it was obvious that she was experiencing loud and terrible flatulence throughout the whole ordeal. So we hung up, sprayed some smell-good stuff and called an exorcist. Then for good measure we set our phones on fire. She can take her fake apology and go fuck herself. 

Now, the truth is none of this happened to us. It happened to Rep. Omar who has had to put up with more shit from the racist, coup-attempting pieces of rat crap who are supposed to be her fucking colleagues than any human being should have to. But it’s not like any of us thought it’s a safe work environment. So anyway, we’d tell Lauren Boebert to eat shit, but we’re pretty sure she already does that. So we’ll just stick with go fuck yourself, Bobes. More: Washington Post

Note two: Will someone please read this to Lauren Boebert? Talk slowly and use pictures when you do. Oh and to the reporters who went with “Boebert apologizes” over the weekend, congrats on getting rolled by one of the dumbest people alive. And lastly, Bobes is pretty funny and it did make us laugh. 

Note three: We’re sorry for the weird time and relative brevity of today’s TBS. We’re hoping to be back to normal tomorrow. Or as close as we get to normal anyway.

Note four: So CNN has a real problem. Well, CNN has lots of problems. But right now this problem is at the very tippy fucking top of problem mountain. More: CNBC

Note five: If “BREAKING” is a category of news, then why isn’t there a category called “NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK?” More: Washington Post

Note six: Vice President Harris and Secretary Pete are doing an event together. The Washington press is gonna be all pissed off. More: Charlottes Observer

Note seven: So, um, somebody ought to think about doing something about all this misinformation out there and we would but we’re totally busy with the newsletter and shit. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Wanna see Bret Baier get his head dunked in a toilet? Of course you do. More: Washington Post

Note nine: There’s really nothing more hilarious and terrifying (Hilarifying? Ok, that’s trademarked. You all heard it. You’re all witnesses.) than watching a pile of melted jello like Kevin McCarthy crawl and beg the like of Marjorie Taylor Nasty, the shit on the bottom of humanity’s Florida panhandle flip-flop, to make him Speaker of the House. The things people will do for power. We’re sorry — the things really gross and soulless people will do for power. More: Axios

Note 10: Here’s today’s reminder that a corrupt Supreme Court is hearing arguments to wreck Roe this week. More: Washington Post

Note 11: You have to love this story about Trump not reading his intelligence briefings. It’s like first of all yeah no shit he didn’t read his briefings and second HE WAS THE GODDAMN NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT WHO ATTACKED THE GODDAMN CAPITOL. More: CNN

Note 12: Speaking of which, this seems really bad. Maybe we should think about prosecuting the guy who violently tried to overthrow the government. More: The Guardian

Note 13: Remember when twitter was about more than spoilers for the new Beatles doc? Seriously, y’all, we ain’t seen it yet! 

Note 14: Ok you sexy mf-ing patriots, let’s all get our hot asses on over to the news. We hope y’all are settling in ok after the holiday break. We know how much it sucks to shake that rust off. We were cussing all fucking day about it yesterday. But today we’re much better. We’re cussing about totally different shit. Have a great day! 

Keep Calm and Shut the Hell Up

Not you of course, sexy patriots, but the Chicken Littles freaking out about the omicron shit. We get it. We’re sick of the pandemic and this name is fucking terrifying. But President Biden came out and told us all to calm the fuck down. Ok so he didn’t say it like that, but that was his message. His plan is to talk to us all Thursday about his plans to take on the pandemic for the winter months. Oh and if you know anyone who hasn’t gotten vaccinated, tell then it’s actually a syringe full of Trump’s testosterone. Sure it’s stupid, but so are they. More: Washington Post

Tik fucking tok 

The Jan. 6 committee, which you may or may not remember because they have a way of going quiet like a goddamn submarine in enemy waters, is planning to meet to discuss a contempt vote for Jeffrey Clark, that DOJ scumbag who was in on the coup. Gee, take your time, folks. Still got another 20 years until the midterms, right? More: CNN

Boost, baby, boost 

So the messaging around the booster shot has been a goddamn mess, and if you’re confused, we get it. But now the CDC says that everyone who is 18 and older and six months past their first shots (two months for J&J) should get boosted. So call go to Rite-Aid’s website, or whoever you use, and get that shit done. We did it and it made us better looking. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Federal employees who have not complied with the coronavirus vaccine mandate will not face aggressive discipline, including unpaid suspensions or firing, until at least early next year, according to guidance the White House sent to unions. More: Washington Post

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.