Today's Big Stuff 9.9.22

9.9.22

Happy Friday. There are 60(!) days until the midterm elections. Some good news out of Michigan, Trump gets laughed out of court and Biden heads to Ohio.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses because the news is all fucked up.

Note: Sexy Patriots! You made it to the weekend! But if you’re anything like us, you spend yesterday feeling however you felt about the Queen, laughing your fucking ass off at Steve Bannon perp walking and wondering why in the living hell that asshole wears so many fucking shirts.

So fucking weird. And treasonous. And just all around scummy. But also really weird. Yo, Robert Redford’s bloated corpse found in a Taco Bell dumpster, what’s with all the shirts? Oh right. We don’t actually want to get close enough to him to ask him any questions. But you’re in luck today, SPs, because we scored a sit-down interview with his shirts. That’s right. Here now, and speaking anonymously, are three of the 17 shirts Steve Bannon was wearing yesterday…

TBS: Thanks for joining us. Can we get you a tissue?

Shirt #1: [Sobbing] I just never thought he’d ever take us off. I thought I was going to die on that man.

TBS: Sounds like hell.

Shirt #2: You don’t know what hell is. Hell is a fucking picnic compared to our lives.

TBS: We had no idea. We’re so sorry. This is awful.

Shirt #3: I just keep reminding myself it could be worse.

Shirt #1: We could be one of the bottoms. [Shivers]

Shirt #2: Yeah, we could be one of the three pairs of underwear he wears at the same time.

Shirt #1: You think the skidmark can’t go all the way through. But it gets all the way through. All the way through.

Shirt #2: Poor bastards.

TBS: Well, we’ll be thinking of you and hoping you all get replaced by an orange jumpsuit very soon.

Note two: Wow! That was fucked up. And also proof that it’s been a long damn week. Speaking of fuck and damn, are you filling up your #TBSwearJar? We sure as hell are. This thing might break us. We should’ve gotten a damn swear wheelbarrow. Next week, we’ll be sharing with you who we’re gonna send our cussing money to. Also, if you made a jar, we want to see it. Send us a pic!

Note three: LOL. Did y’all hear Biden say Republicans “ain’t got no shame?” Cracked us up. Dark Brandon is fucking awesome.

Note four: We really need to stop Doug Mastriano in Pennsylvania. That dude is a goddamn horror movie monster. More: Axios

Note five: DOJ is appealing that idiot Trump judge’s ruling, and lawyers everywhere are talking about what a brilliant brief it is and how it makes clear that Judge Loose Cannon is an idiot. But guess what — Judge Loose Cannon is an idiot who probably doesn’t know what a brilliant legal brief is. We’re just waiting for her to declassify nuclear secrets or some shit. More: CNBC

Note six: Michael Fanone has no patience for cops who pose with an asshole who got a bunch of cops beat up and killed. We don’t either. More: Huff Post

Note seven: Want to see something hilarious? We seriously couldn’t breathe after the first one.

Note eight: Something called Punchbowl News is reporting we might get another Jan. 6 hearing later this month. It’s good to remind the beltway press that it happened because they seem to keep forgetting.

Note nine: South Carolina assholes had a bad night. Which means it was a good night for South Carolina women. More: The Guardian

Note 10: Well well well, 61 percent of Americans don’t want Trump to run again, and that includes two-thirds of independents and Melania. More: NPR

Note 11: Speaking of polls, this one shows that 58 percent of Americans — including one out of four Republicans — think Team MAGA is a threat to the US. Was it the violent attack on the Capitol that gave it away? More: Reuters

Note 12: LOLOL. We’re not gonna post the tweet, but Mike Pence is gonna give a speech attacking Biden for saying that MAGA is a threat. Maybe he’ll bring his own gallows this time.

Note 13: Mitch McConnell vs. Rick Scott is like fart vs. shit — they both stink like a motherfucker. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 14: Well this is fucking heartbreaing. The Miami-Dade school board voted against a resolution that would recognize LGBTQ history month and ensure the safety of LGBTQ students. Ron DeSantis did this. He’s a piece of shit. More: Washington Post

Note 15: Dark Brandon is fired up. He’s also right about this. So we’re fucking fired up too.

Note 16: Good to see Secretary Yellen out there talking up the administration’s accomplishments. We should all be doing this shit. More: Axios

Note 17: Things are going badly for Dinesh D’Souza which is weird because he’s such a fucking scumbag. More: NPR

Note 18: We don’t feel right saying congrats to a king unless it’s Elvis or LeBron, so instead we’ll just post this and let it be our contribution to the global discussion…

Note 19: Are y’all watching She-Hulk on Disney+? It’s fantastic.

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news and then go do some weekend. We hope y’all had a great week, and we hope you’re spending some of your weekend volunteering for a campaign or just kicking ass in some form. We love y’all, so here’s Earth, Wind and Fire… More: YouTube

Yay? Yeah, yay

The Michigan Supreme Court yesterday ruled 5-2 that an initiative to protect abortion rights must appear on the November ballot despite efforts by Republicans on the canvassing board to keep it off. Yeah, those fuckers said there wasn’t enough spacing on the form, and the state’s highest court said that was absolute bullshit. More Michiganders signed on to this petition than ever before and two Republican assholes thought they could silence them. This is where we are now. More: CNN

LOLOL

Today a federal judge laughed Trump out of court like he’d taken his pants off. Yeah, remember that idiotic lawsuit he filed against Hillary and a bunch of other people alleging a conspiracy against him? Well the court decided that was stupid as hell and threw it out while embarrassing the shit out of Trump. Fun Friday news:) More: CNN

Joehio

Today President Biden is heading to Ohio to tout an Intel plant that is adding 7,000 construction jobs and 3,000 chip production jobs. Sounds like great fucking news for Ohio. Of course Trump told people to boycott Goodyear and they still voted for him, so what the hell do we know? Regardless, it’s good to see Dark Brandon out there telling the people what he has done and what’s coming. More: Dispatch

Today’s clips

The East Wing will announce Thursday that Vanessa Valdivia has been tapped as Jill Biden's new press secretary, her communications director Elizabeth Alexander told CNN. More: CNN

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