Today's Big Stuff 9.8.22

9.8.22

It’s Thursday. There are 61 days until the midterm elections. Michigan Republicans are teaching cheating, a vote on marriage equality is coming and Steve Bannon surrenders like the gutless trash he is. 

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. Today’s edition has a shitload of cuss words. Just an absolute shitload.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the eff are ya today? Oh good. Us? Well we’re ok now, but it was a little dicey this morning. It doesn’t happen often, but today there was a nasty little fight inside TBS HQ. Yeah, our TBSwear Jar runneth over. Basically it went down like this — Sam was feeling uncharacteristically hopeful and sunny and so he was like hey why don’t we make today just about the Obamas’ portraits and that beautiful ceremony. And Adam was like why don’t we do that and talk shit about that orange ass-breathed criminal? 

We fought like wild animals, but in the end, Adam was right…

Yes, we can walk and chew gum and cuss fascist scum to hell and back at the same time. But seriously, how fucking gorgeous and inspiring was yesterday’s event at the White House? And seriously, how much does Trump fucking suck? Ok, maybe we should’ve gone with Sam’s idea. Anyway, congrats to the former First Couple and fuck you to the shitbrain who denied them this honor for years. 

Note two: It’s really gonna suck when Melania steals this…

Note three: They really are stunning…

Note four: So this probably should have gone in the news section or under a heading of No Fucking Shit, Sherlock, but Trump weaponized DOJ and was pressuring SDNY to go after Democrats, including John Kerry. We’re learning this from a gutless weasel’s book because he was too chickenshit to tell the truth when he testified before Congress. More: MSN

Note five: Hey so today everyone is on Queen watch as her health seems to have turned. We know there are a lot of strong feelings out there about her, so we’re gonna avoid some jokes. Except this one — she better not have any royal guards behind her and politicize this shit. More: Associated Press

Note six: What? That was really more of a dig at CNN for sucking.  

Note seven: Ugh. RIP to Bernard Shaw, a hero of ours from a time when CNN didn’t suck. More: NBC News

Note eight: Speaking of CNN, here’s what they’re up to these days… More: Huff Post

Note nine: Did y’all see that asshole judge in Texas who ruled Obamacare shouldn’t cover HIV drugs? Yes, they want everyone who isn’t a white cousin-fucker to die. It’s their whole fucking platform. More: Yahoo Finance

Note 10: Speaking of cousin-fucking, we got quite a few emails yesterday telling us that marrying your second or third cousin is no biggie. We’re sorry to those we offended. We really don’t want to stop making those jokes though.

Note 11: Trump endorsed Bolsonaro today. Probably because he’s such a great guy who loves democracy. Or for other reasons. More: LA Times

Note 12: So this shit out of Vegas is just insane. Even for Vegas! More: CBS News

Note 13: LOL. Yay, more subpoenas. We’re really starting to think that 30 or 40 years from now, Donald Trump is going to be in BIG trouble. More: ABC News

Note 14: Some good news out of Michigan that doesn’t involve a militia being arrested… More: The Guardian

Note 15: Secretary of State Tony Blinken is in Ukraine for a surprise visit. We really have to give credit to this administration for sticking by those brave freedom fighters. 

Note 16: Michael Flynn is a damn disgrace, and half the fucking beltway media spent 2020 telling us he was getting a raw deal. More: PBS

Note 17: We’re sending prayers to Memphis, a beautiful city that just can’t seem to escape sadness. More: New York Times

Note 18: Republicans have already destroyed so much of our democracy, and the press is just starting to notice. More: Washington Post

Note 19: Y’all been watching any tennis?

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s hit the news section and high-tail it out of this piece. We hope y’all are having an awesome week, but we also hope you’re filling up your swear jars. So we guess what we’re saying is we hope you have a lot of good news to cuss about. Love y’all!

Lock their asses up

So what’s left of CNN obtained a recording of a Wayne County GOP training call in which Republican leaders trained their election workers to cheat. They’ve decided that since a gameshow host told them that Democrats rig elections, they can pretty much do whatever the fuck they want. This is so bad, and this November might get a little scary. Or a lot scary. More: CNN

Let’s fucking go

Chuck Schumer said yesterday that the Senate will vote to protect marriage equality this year, but it’s unclear when that will happen. Democrats are pushing for a vote before the midterms, but they are hoping to actually codify marriage protections and not just hold a show vote that exposes what evil scum Republicans are. It’s hard to say if they can find 10 Republican votes, but it has given this cold bucket of goat diarrhea known as Ron Johnson a reason to be a total asshole. More: Heartland Signal

(Note: On behalf of the Baldwins of the world, RonJon can kiss our fine asses.)

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Steve Bannon said they’d have to kill him first. Or just wait five minutes for him to put on 11 shirts and then take his happy ass down to surrender. Anyway, Trump’s walking canker sore turned himself in this morning to be arraigned for charges that he defrauded Trump voters who wanted to build a wall. So we’re double happy — some racist idiots got fleeced and Steve Bannon is finally facing some consequences. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips

A story in Florida deserves a lot more attention than it’s getting.

It’s about Ron DeSantis, the state’s Republican governor, and the arrest of 20 Floridians. The crime they stand accused of committing is a form of election fraud ― specifically, voting even though past criminal convictions made them ineligible. More: Huff Post

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