Today's Big Stuff 9.7.22

9.7.22.

It’s Wednesday. There are 62 days until the midterm elections. A Jan. 6er gets a lesson in the Constitution, a long overdue day at the White House and holy freaking crap Trump stole nuclear secrets.

Be advised: If you’re looking for a both-sides newsletter that doesn’t cuss, then you’re shit out of luck here.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck fire are you today? Wanna talk about how Republicans all seem to want to have sex with their own family members? Cool. Us too.

So um what the fuck?! We’ve been under the impression that the Republican Party belongs to Donald Trump, but all this cousin-fuckin’ has our old friend Doodie Pooliani’s name written all over it. But then again, Trump did talk really creepily about his own daughter. So maybe the lesson here is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE DERANGED INBREEDING MONSTERS?!!!!!

We are at a place in American politics where one party is pro-democracy and working people and the other party is in favor of attacking the Capitol and fucking their blood relatives. And it’s a close contest!!!

Really, we shouldn’t be surprised that these shit-eating lunatics are all about keeping it in the family, but good lord this is some truly fucked up shit. So you know, vote Fetterman or watch Oz screw Pennsylvania like he’s related to it.

Note two: And you already know that Fetterman found a way to humiliate Incest Oz even more…

Note three: How’s your Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar September going? If you’re just tuning in, we’re doing swear jars for the month of September and every fuck, shit and goddamnit is turning into money that we’re going to give to a candidate who needs our help. Today’s #TBSwearJar comes to us from longtime TBSer Tim. Lookin’ good, man!

Note four: Holy freaking shit Steve Bannon got indicted. Again. It’s the state version of the shit Trump pardoned him for. We don’t like to rush to judgment about these things but he’s guilty and should die in prison. More: Washington Post

Note five: Let’s check in and see how things are going over at CNN and oh holy crap what a fucking mess… More: Gizmodo

Note six: Indiana is gonna tax student loan forgiveness? How fucking conservative of them. More: WTHR

Note seven: Ted Cruz is a NO on voting to protect same-sex marriage. Don’t look so shocked. For one, Ted didn’t even defend his own wife and for two, Ted totally sucks. More: Texas Tribune

Note eight: Hillary has to do shit like this because the New York Times won’t.

Note nine: Yesterday Biden had a cabinet meeting and they didn’t go around and have all the cabinet members talk about how awesome Joe Biden is. Isn’t it nice that we can pretty much not pay attention to shit like cabinet meetings these days? More: Yahoo News

Note 10: Hey so we don’t want to add to the long list of alarming shit y’all have to worry about, but this one seems pretty goddamn bad to us. More: NBC News

Note 11: Remember when the South Carolina House decided they were going to show us how reasonable they were by carving out rape and incest exemptions to their total abortion ban bullshit? Well a Senate committee got rid of the exemptions. So yes, the Republican Party has to be viewed as pro-inbreeder and pro-rapist. And we can barely comprehend that such a fucked up statement is true. More: Yahoo News

Note 12: Ted Cruz is looking for a way to sue over student loan forgiveness. As humans, we’re appalled. As Democrats, we’re grateful that the Republican Party now counts among its leaders one of the most disliked asshats in the universe. More:

Note 13: It’ll be a cold day in hell before we’re scared of human garbage like Trump; or Lindsey Graham. But stories like this scare the poop out of us. More: Military.com

Note 14: LOLOL. Y’all aren’t gonna believe this, but Trump’s fake twitter shit ain’t doing so great financially. Huge congrats to Dingus Devin Nunes. More: The Guardian

Note 15: California, please stay safe and cool! This heatwave is some scary shit. More: Yahoo News

Note 16: We saw Bill Barr speaking some truth on Fox News yesterday. But since we’re still digging out of the pile of bullshit he left us, we’re gonna go ahead and skip the link or any praise.

Note 17: This is really damn cool and really damn overdue. Congrats to all the women who fought for this.

Note 18: It’s just too funny that Trump is flying into Ohio to try and save Jellybean Dickface Vance’s (Sorry. We still don’t know what JD stands for). What’s even funnier is that the goddamn morons scheduled it for the same time as a Ohio State football game. More: Mediaite

Note 19: So we’re gonna go out on a limb here and say Blake Masters is not a very cool guy. But most 9/11 truther nazis aren’t. More: Huff Post

Note 20: We just want to take an extra note to say thanks to Sue Bird, who played her last WNBA game last night. One of the best to ever do it. Thanks, Sue! More: ESPN

Note 21: Alrighty, you gorgeous SPs, let’s do some news and then watch some long overdue history be recognized at the White House. We hope this week is treating you well, and if it ain’t, just hang in there. It could be worse. You could be related to Dr. Oz. Y’all have a blessed day.

Schadenfuckthatasshole

So remember the Cowboys for Trump founder who tried to overthrow the US government on Jan. 6? Well a federal judge booted his ass out of his county commissioner’s seat because the 14th amendment says that people who engage in insurrection against the US are disqualified from holding office AND WHY THE FUCK IS THIS THE FIRST FUCKING TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED?! Someone tell this judge that Josh Hawley exists. More: CNBC

About goddamn time

Today President Joe Biden will host former President Barack Obama and former First Lady Michelle Obama for the official unveiling of their White House portraits. This would normally have been done during the last administration but the last administration was a racist butt-breathed shithead. Congratulations to the former first couple on a very cool day both for them and our nation. More: The Grio

Holy nuclear shit!

Well this is really fucking bad. Yeah, you know those classified docs that Trump stole from us and a judge is helping him cover up? Well they include military secrets about one of our allies, including nuclear capabilities. But yeah, he probably just wanted that shit for his memoirs and not at all to sell to Saudi Arabia. It’s insanely fucked up and he should be indicted already. We can’t wait to hear the press tell us it’s no big deal. More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

The names of hundreds of U.S. law enforcement officers, elected officials and military members appear on the leaked membership rolls of a far-right extremist group that’s accused of playing a key role in the Jan. 6, 2021, insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, according to a report released Wednesday. More: Associated Press

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