Today's Big Stuff 9.30.21

9.30.21

It’s Thursday. There are 404 days until the midterm elections. The Jan. 6 committee sends out more subpoenas to the twisted fuckers who attacked our Capitol, Creepy Corey Lewandowski gets fired from Trumpworld for being a creep again and a shocking media cover-up.

Note: Ok, sexy patriots, so we’re really gonna surprise you today. Instead of cussing up and down until steam comes out of our ears about Joe Manchin and Krysten Sinema, we’re instead gonna count to 10, take some deep breaths, change our britches, punch a hole in the fucking wall and then ask you to have some compassion for them. WHAT?!!! TBS, have you lost your gorgeous goddamn mind?! Yes, years and years ago. But hear us out. It’s so easy to hate them both right now because they are among the worst people in the world. But you would be too if you had their condition. You see, Manchin and Sinema suffer from HUTOA Syndrome, which is the polite way of saying they both have their Heads Up Their Own Asses. Sure, it sounds funny, but it’s actually a painful condition that deprives the brain of oxygen, leaves a person’s breath absolutely rancid and leaves them selfishly fucking things up for other people because they can’t see anything except their own poop.

It started out simple enough. Sinema has a light complexion and wanted protection from the unforgiving Arizona sun. Manchin sought to remember what it was like in the West Virginia coal mines. So they stuck their heads up their asses. All the way. Which was fine for a while and helped them blend in on Capitol Hill. But now they can’t seem to get them out. Or maybe they just don’t want to.

Of course we suppose it’s possible that HUTOA Syndrome isn’t a real medical condition and they just suck and belong to lobbyists and campaign donors. But we’re choosing to give them the benefit of the doubt because it doesn’t seem like we have any other goddamn choice until we elect more Democratic senators. So c’mon, Joe and Kyrsten. You can do it. Get your heads out of your asses, take a hot shower and do the fucking jobs the American people are paying you to do. Thanks! More: New York Times

Note two: We really don’t like crapping on Democrats, but then again, we don’t like it when they crap on us either. A giant thank you to the overwhelming majority of the party who have been working their asses off to pass the Biden agenda that 81 million of us voted for. And a giant something else to the handful of assholes gumming up the works.

Note three: Our own Sam Youngman is back in LA Magazine to say that LOL, no, Larry Elder was not the big winner of the California recall despite what the punditry might think. More: LA Mag

Note four: 45 days?! These motherfuckers attacked our Capitol, tried to kill our lawmakers and overturn an election and they’re getting 45 days?! If you’re gonna be a criminal, kids, be a white Republican criminal. There are almost no consequences. More: Law and Crime

Note five: Did y’all catch the congressional baseball game last night? Were you really invested in who might win? Did you put money on it? Yeah, we bet our national dignity and lost. Oh well. Not the first time. But um seriously isn’t Biden’s agenda hanging in a precarious balance? And isn’t the full faith and credit of the United States about to go down the shitter? And aren’t those domestic terrorists playing for the red team? Well the answer to all three is a resounding yes, so if your next question is “why the effing fuck are they playing baseball?” then nobody can really fault you. But did you see the Speaker of the House working the phone? Did you see President Biden working the dugouts? That’s why we have faith. They were working. And you know it was work because they had to talk to Trump supporters. More: Washington Post

Note six: So we want to say a huge THANK YOU to our friend and all-around badass Mary Trump. Mary said on twitter yesterday that she is digging this newsletter goodness, and we are so damn grateful. We’re also damn grateful we get to watch her make her uncle say uncle again. Thanks, Mary!!!

Note seven: A TBSer asked us to remind y’all that there are women’s marches for reproductive rights all over the country this weekend. So get out some comfortable shoes and all your anger. More: USA Today

Note eight: Another TBSer asked us to celebrate the brilliance of Lil’ Nas X. TBH, we didn’t really get it at the time since this is ostensibly a newsletter about politics. But then we saw his cover of Jolene yesterday, and since we worship all things Dolly Parton, we have to say yes, Lil’ Nas X is a freaking genius. But didn’t we know that already? More: EW

Note nine: Every single day it seems like Wisconsin Republicans come up with a new way to kill a piece of democracy. If it wasn’t all so terrifying, we’d be impressed by their creativity. More: Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Note 10: So this is the shit that keeps us up at night. Almost a dozen states have enacted laws that will basically allow them to overturn election results they don’t like. This is why every day around noon, we find a street corner and we just scream at the top of our lungs that democracy is going to die soon. For some reason, nobody listens. More: CNN

Note 11: Gonna be hard to stand up to Mitch McConnell when we’re busy letting ourselves get pushed around by the goddamn Senate parliamentarian. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 12: So South Dakota governor and mass murderer Kristi Noem is having a tough week. First she got busted being corrupt for her family. Now she’s being investigated for it. By someone who killed someone. Oh and there’s a rumor that she’s been having an affair with Corey Lewandowski. That last thing sounds like ample punishment for the first thing to us, but also we don’t print rumors so pretend you didn’t see that shit. More: Wonkette

Note 13: Remember when Ryan Lochte was our most embarrassing swimmer? More: LA Times

Note 14: Sigh. We are so fucking sick and tired of agreeing with Liz Cheney? Can we get some freaking balance back in the universe please? More: NBC News

Note 15: Good news, everybody! We’ve avoided a government shutdown for two months! Now we just have about a dozen other things we have to do to stave off the apocalypse. More: NBC News

Note 16: Woohoo!!! Britney is free! Thank goodness. Now we can make sure Matt Gaetz and Ted Cruz stay the eff away from her?! More: Buzzfeed News

Note 17: Goddamnit. Welp, Jason Aldean can eat shit. More: Washington Post

Note 18: This is some important shit. Labor Secretary and former Boston Mayor Marty Walsh is talking about his sobriety and the pandemic. We’re losing so many people to overdoses. If this is something you think you need help with, please reach out to someone. Things can get better. We promise. More: CNN

Note 19: Y’all, we fucking have to win Virginia. What are you doing to make that happen? More: Washington Post

Note 20: So you might be frustrated that Democrats are fighting with each other and haven’t gotten more done. But look at what Joe Biden is doing to the federal judiciary. Of the 53 nominations he’s made, 72 percent are women, 28 percent are Black, 21 percent are Hispanic and 23 percent are AAPI. Thank you, Mr. President, for making our judges look like America does. More: CNN

Note 21: Oh look, big name Republicans hanging out with extremists. Seems like something like this would’ve been more newsworthy before we knew the big name Republicans ARE the extremists. More: The Guardian

Note 22: Ok, you awesome super hot freedom fighters, let’s get to the news. If we had to guess, we’d say that the infrastructure vote isn’t going to happen today. It’s not great, but it’s also not the end of the world. We trust Nancy, and so that’s what we’re going with today. We hope y’all are having an awesome week, and we can’t wait to talk to you tomorrow. Love y’all!

Note 23: Oh and it’s the last day of September and a TBSer suggested this special version of Earth, Wind and Fire’s “September.” And we were happy to oblige. More: YouTube

Ding-dong

That’s the sound of the bell tolling for the organizers of the Jan. 6 rally who were subpoenaed yesterday by the Jan. 6 committee. Yeah, people like Katrina Piersen and Amy Kremer are about to get their close-up. Either that or they’ll ignore and fight the subpoenas until a new House majority just straight up dismisses them a year from now. Well shit. Now we’ve gone and depressed ourselves. More: CNN

Too gross for Trump

Remember when Corey Lewandowski assaulted a woman reporter during the 2016 campaign and the national press kinda sorta looked the other way? Well apparently Corey got the message and kept assaulting and harassing women, including a top GOP donor. And now he’s been fired from Trumpland. Which honestly is kinda shocking. This sorta thing usually gets you a promotion at Mar-a-Lago. More: Axios, Yahoo News

Cover-up

So last week, the nation got some shocking news in the form of a memo from Trump attorney and Federalist Society member John Eastman, who you might remember as the piece of shit who tried to say VP Harris couldn't legally be VP. But here’s what’s even more shocking — the mainstream media largely ignored it. Yeah, it’s the outline for a fucking coup attempt written down and not denied and the major networks and the NYT were apparently bored by it. Thank you to WaPo’s Margaret Sullivan for writing on this. More: Axios

Today’s clips

House Republican leaders are launching an all-out campaign to sink a bipartisan infrastructure bill, as Democratic leaders struggle to unite their caucus around the legislation ahead of a high-stakes floor vote on Thursday. More: CNN

Walking through the hundreds of thousands of white flags blanketing 20 acres of the National Mall to honor the Americans who have died of covid-19, visitors stop to write a few words of farewell on the flags themselves. They are goodbyes that many never had a chance to say in person. It is an intimate goodbye. And a national one. More: Washington Post

President Biden is navigating the most perilous week for his legislative agenda yet with an approach he’s honed over his decades in Washington: Hear out the warring factions, determine the realm of the possible and find the point of compromise that satisfies all sides. More: Washington Post

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