Today's Big Stuff 9.29.22

9.29.22

It’s Thursday. There are 40(!) days until the midterm elections. Ron DeSantis has a change of heart on federal disaster aid, Ginni Thomas has a big day and Sam Alito says he’s the only justice allowed to be a political hack.

Be advised: We’re coming in hot. Which means we cuss a lot. The rhyme was for Coolio. Fuck.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! We’ve gotta ask — did y’all get sexier and more patriotic overnight?! Someday you gotta tell us your secret. Us? We’re in a great fucking mood! Now we know what y’all are thinking — oh shit, Marjorie Taylor Gross is getting a divorce and what are those demented and sexy rascals over at TBS gonna do with it?

Well, we’re gonna surprise you and do nothing. You see divorce is a fucking nightmare for everyone, and we wouldn’t wish it on our worst enemies. That said, we did think of an awesome new movie idea we wanted to run by you. Ready?

Ok, so this man marries a stank ass swamp monster but he somehow doesn’t know she’s a stank ass swamp monster. And then one day it hits him — oh shit I’m married to a stank ass swamp monster! So he decides to make a run for it by hitchhiking. Just then a car pulls up. It’s driven by Josh Hawley and Ken Paxton is riding shotgun. “Where ya’ goin’?” Hawley asked. “Anywhere away from here,” Mr. Stank Ass Swamp Monster replied. Then Hawley and Paxton explained that they like to run away too usually while peeing their pants. So they told Mr. Marjorie that he could come, but he’d have to pee himself before he got in the car. And since he’d spent years married to a giant pile of shit, he happily obliged and they rode off into a cowardly urine-stained sunset and nobody ever gave a fuck about them ever again.

What do you think? What do you mean you’re passing?!

Note two: Racist scumbags are very unhappy about this. It only adds to our already very immense enjoyment of it.

Note three: Ok so this swear jar shit got way out of hand. Linda G., we love you more than our luggage, but this fucker really blew up in our goddamn faces. So Sam finished at $78 and you know that’s a fucking lie so we’re making him round up to $1,000 to be split between Cortez and Mandela. Adam was probably more honest with his total of $94, but we’re still making his ass round up. Thanks so much to everyone who joined us in some way, shape or form for this self-destructive behavior for a good cause. Y’all are the freaking best.

Note four: We hate to do this, but we’ve had some life stuff come up that is going to force us to take tomorrow off. We feel really goddamn bad about it, but shit happens. We will be back with you on Monday or Saturday if Trump gets indicted.

Note five: ABSENTEE BALLOTS ARE NOW AVAILABLE IN MICHIGAN!!!!!! Since we started TBS, we’ve always had a countdown until the next big election. But y’all know that early voting starts way before then. Do you have a voting plan?

Note six: There are a lot of shitheads out there. But there are a lot of good people too.

Note seven: Gosh. We just can’t believe someone Ron DeSantis hired dressed up in klan robes. Oh wait yes we fucking can because Ron DeSantis is a racist piece of shit. More: Independent

Note eight: The Georgia Elections Board has asked the FBI for help because Republicans breached their systems. Hey at least they didn’t try to give someone standing in line to vote a glass of water. More: CNN

Note nine: This deranged fucking idiot was national security adviser. CBS News worked with Sidney Powell to clear his name. And this is what he is…

Note 10: So remember when the Navy hid the U.S.S. John McCain because way too many people in this country were scared shitless of a dumbshit gameshow host? Well now we have confirmation. And there are a lot of people who should be fucking ashamed of themselves. More: Alternet

Note 11: We’re sending real love to Florida. It’s so bad. Trump meanwhile is sending out fundraising videos. He must love Florida the way he loves the rest of America. More: CNN

Note 12: LOLOL. That asshead congressional candidate in Ohio who lied about serving in Afghanistan can’t stop lying about his military service. Trump ain’t sending us his best. More: Associated Press

Note 13: We are seriously wrecked about Coolio.

Note 14: All the love and power and healing in the world to Katie Couric. More: CNN

Note 15: Did y’all see that Pennsylvania Republican guv candidate Doug Mastriano is planning “40 days of fasting and prayer” to finish off the election. Hey whatever. At least he’s not attacking the Capitol again. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note 16: Elissa Slotkin isn’t here for Republican bullshit.

Note 17: Roger Stone asked for a second pardon. That is some serious criminal shit. More: Business Insider

Note 18: Brett Favre is a real piece of shit. We don’t even have a link. Just wanted to say that.

Note 19: So since we’re not with y’all tomorrow, here’s Earth, Wind and Fire one more time. More: YouTube

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s do some news. We sure do love y’all, and we know you’re out there kicking ass for democracy. Give ‘em hell this weekend, and we’ll see you back here Monday.

Note 21: And here’s Coolio singing Fantastic Voyage… More: YouTube

The Florida Flip-flopper

Ron DeSantis has been on the phone begging Joe Biden to help Florida, and Biden was of course already helping before DeSantis called. It’s good for Floridians that their governor is asking for federal aid. It’s just a shame that miserable fucker didn’t feel the same way about other states when he voted against disaster aid for Hurriance Sandy victims. But hey, it’s a nice reminder for people who forgot that before he was a fascist governor, DeSantis was a dirtbag congressman. Also, WHY ISN’T IT A BIG FUCKING DEAL THAT HE FOUND TIME TO GO ON TUCKER CARLSON’S FUCKING SHOW WHILE FLORIDIANS WERE DYING?! More: TampaBay.com

This is all fine

Ginni Thomas, coup plotter against the United States of America and wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, appeared in person before the Jan. 6 committee today. Reports were getting say that she testified “banana doghouse bellybutton” because she’s crazier than a shithouse rat. Actually we’re guessing she didn’t say shit because she’s a traitor and everyone fucking knows it.

Shithead Sam

Not our Sam. A different one. The one on the Supreme Court who led the charge to strip millions of women of their basic human rights. Yeah, he’s very angry that Justice Kagan has been calling out the court’s illegitimacy so he ran to the Wall Street Journal to issue some kind of vague threat. Yes, only Shithead Sam is allowed to be political and the women folk on the court better know their place. It’s hard to imagine why public approval of the court is at an all-time low. More: CNN, Gallup

Today’s clips

The Supreme Court, a place bound by tradition and formality, will hold one of its most scripted rituals on Friday for a justice whose appointment broke the mold of history. More: CNN

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