Today's Big Stuff 9.28.22

9.28.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 41 days until the midterm elections. A real peach in Pennsylvania, Americans should get the eff out of Russia and Florida is in trouble.

Be advised: We were gonna give up cussing for religious reasons, but the good lord Dolly Parton never asked us to.

Note: Happy Hump Day, you super Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck are you today? Well that’s humping awesome to hear. Us? We are also humping awesome and sexy. Truth be told, while we’ve been totally freaking out these last few months the same way we always freak out ahead of an existential election, we haven’t been losing our shit the way we did back when the White House was still orange.

(What? Don’t look at us like that. Hey there are degrees of losing one’s shit, ok?)

We think the reason we’ve been holding it together (relatively speaking) is something as simple as generic ballot polling. Yeah, when Dark Brandon’s comeback started, and Republicans robbed millions of women of their basic human rights and those polls started to tighten, we began to realize that we can defy history and actually win this shit and we started feeling really good about things. And that made us suspicious. So we did something smart — We barged into the office of one of these fancy schmancy pollsters, and Adam gave him a noogie while Sam conducted this chaotic interview…

Sam: So are all these polls all bullshit?

Pollster: Yes, they’re all bullshit. I am a miserable fucking liar. You should all work like the polls were made up by a lying bullshitter like me because they totally are.

Sam: We knew it! You suck, dude.

Adam: Now you’re getting a super noogie.

Pollster: That really hurts! But I deserve it for giving people a false sense of confidence.

Sam: Well we’re glad you see that now.

Adam: Our work here is done. To the TBS Cave!

So there you have it, SPs, the polls are all bullshit. So we have to ignore them and work our fucking asses off to save this country from dumbfuck fascism.

Note two: We’d like to clarify that the interview you read above was not real and neither Adam Parkhomenko nor Today’s Big Stuff condones violence, including and especially noogies.

Note three: So look, if Hall of Fame Trump kiss-ass Matt Schlapp hadn’t said anything, we wouldn’t have thought anything. But the way he phrased this makes clear that he definitely doesn’t “go in the toilets.” So what the hell is he going in?

Note four: Tomorrow is the day we share our TBS Motherfucking Swear Jar totals. We’re excited to get this money to campaigns that need it, and we’re excited to stop going broke because of our goddamn fucking potty mouths.

Note five: Wow. Look at these Republican candidates scrubbing their websites of mentions of Trump and abortion. They’re probably really honest people otherwise. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: So Mitch McConnell has signed on to that bill that’s supposed to stop the next coup. Don’t sound right, do it? Yeah, it must be bullshit if he’s on board. More: CNN

Note seven: But wait! Ted Cruz was the only person to vote against it when it passed out of a Senate committee yesterday and Josh Hawley hates it too. And y’all know those pieces of shit love Jan. Sixes. We don’t know what to think. Maybe there just ain’t a bill that can solve the problem of well-funded extremists wanting to wreck America. More: Houston Chronicle

Note eight: Leonard Pitts is a helluva writer, and we’re damn sorry to see him go. Congrats on the well-deserved retirement.

Note nine: Gavin Newsom’s response to the fall of Roe has been a goddamn inspiration. More: CNN

Note 10: The adults have really fucked up when the kids have to be this tough. We see y’all, and we applaud your courage.

Note 11: No Jan. 6 hearing today. They postponed it because of the hurricane. But…

Note 12: One of the treasonous assheads who was involved in assaulting Officer Michael Fanone — with is 16-year-old son along for the attack — got a BIG sentence yesterday. Judge Amy Berman Jackson told the dude what was what and then gave his ass more than seven years. Don’t attack the US Capitol, kids. More: CNN

Note 13: Is Ken Paxton still running?

Note 14: These motherfuckers are so goddamn racist that they even have made-up beef with George Washington Carver and the hero women from Hidden Figures. You gotta have a lot of hate in your heart and shit in your brains to have ill will toward those American heroes.

Note 15: So it’s pretty obvious that we’re not lawyers so someone please tell us WHY THE FUCK ROGER STONE ISN’T IN FUCKING JAIL RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND AND FOR THE REST OF MISERABLE GODDAMN LIFE. More: Huff Post

Note 16: How fucking cool is this?!

Note 17: Joe Manchin had a shitty day yesterday. It put a giant fucking smile on our faces. More: CNN

Note 18: Ever wonder why so many people in Texas put up with so much bullshit from their elected officials? Well it’s because those elected officials cheat like some fucking rats. More: Texas Tribune

Note 19: Medicare beneficiaries are gonna see their premiums go down next year. Hasn’t happened in a decade. Thanks, Dark Brandon. More: CNN

Note 20: Let’s end on that lovely note, shall we, SPs? We hope this unusually long week is treating you well. We also hope you’re ignoring those lying sonofabitch pollsters. Have a blessed day, and we’ll see you tomorrow. Love y’all!

Keystone Crapface

Y’all have heard us scream about just how goddamn dangerous Doug Mastriano, the Jan. 6 asshole who’s running for Pa. guv, is. But his crazy ass got somehow even scarier yesterday when NBCNews reported that he said a couple years ago that women who get abortions should be charged with murder. Pennsylvania women are probably cool with Militia Uncle Fester calling them killers, right? More: NBC News

Evacuate

This ain’t the Florida section. This is the Russia section. And the US embassy is telling Americans to get the fuck out. Also, why haven’t they already gotten the fuck out? Basically the warning is that if you don’t leave, there’s a good chance you’ll be drafted to get shot in Ukraine. So come home and get shot at the mall like a good American. More: Axios

Not so sunshine state

Hurricane Ian was scary yesterday, but overnight it turned into a fucking horror movie. We’re sending love to Florida. Y’all hang in there, and please be safe. Dark Brandon is on the case and sending all the help the state needs. And he didn’t even try to extort them first. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Explosions rattled the Baltic Sea before unusual leaks were discovered on two natural gas pipelines running underwater from Russia to Germany, seismologists said Tuesday. More: Huff Post

A federal appeals court on Tuesday opened the door to allowing the Justice Department to shield former President Donald Trump for his conduct while president in a defamation lawsuit brought by columnist E. Jean Carroll. More: CNN

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