Today's Big Stuff 9.28.21

9.28.21

It’s Tuesday. There are 406 days until the midterm elections. Senate Republicans vote to kill the economy for funsies, Democrats decouple spending bills and another gross tell-all book from someone we paid to lie to us.

Note: Oh wow, hey sexy patriots! You caught us off guard with all that sexy patriotism. Hope your week is off to a great start. We also hope you don’t mind, but we’re feeling a bit of a screed coming on...

It seems like every passing day, the people who seriously tried to overthrow the government and then told us they didn’t have tried like hell to go even lower than the day before. We keep saying no stop we get it y’all are fucking horrible and we’re shocked and you can stop now seriously. And they’re all like no but hang on we can be even worse because we really really suck now check this messed up shit out. Well yesterday’s entry in these games was impressive. Two senators from Louisiana — Bill Cassidy and John Kennedy (different guy) — voted to kill the bill Democrats passed to keep the government open and pay our goddamn bills. Well, TBS, no shit every Republican did that and you’re looking fine as hell today and what’s the big deal about these Republicans voting against it? Well, thank you and we’ll tell you.

Like we said, these slimy motherfuckers are from Louisiana, and this bill had emergency funding for you guessed it Louisiana because of you know deadly hurricanes and shit AND THEY VOTED AGAINST IT. So how the effing hell are we supposed to negotiate or govern or even co-exist with soulless maniacs like this? Not only are they voting against paying bills they ran up. Not only are they voting to kill 6 million jobs and plunge us into another goddamn recession (at best). They’re also voting against hurricane relief for their own motherfreaking states! That’s not just shooting the hostage! That’s desecrating the fucking body! And yeah, these two fellas look like the type.

It sure is nice to be in the party that doesn’t do that kinda thing, ain’t it? God freaking damnit. Thanks for letting us get that off our newsletter chest.

Note two: We want to say a giant THANK YOU to all of you new subscribers for joining us. (And we’re wondering how many of you gave up after that long first note) We got so many emails yesterday that made us feel so wonderful, and one that told us we lack focus that kinda made us chuckle oh look a butterfly. Things are so messed up right now, but the more of y’all there are out there, the more optimistic we become. So thanks for the hope, sexy patriots. If you ever need to reach us just hit reply to this email!

Note three: LOLOL. Shit. We should’ve just led with this. Not only is Trump finding new and unusual ways to keep losing states like Arizona, he’s also now losing to Omarosa. Remember her?! Man, we sure do enjoy watching Trump get his ass kicked. We’re beginning to think he enjoys it too. More: New York Times

Note four: Y’all see Biden roll up his sleeve and get his booster yesterday? Nice to see presidential leadership, right? But honestly, if Trump had ever started to show more skin like that, we’re pretty sure we would’ve ripped out our own eyes. Even if it was for a good cause. More: CNN

Note five: Hey y’all remember when we found out there was a memo — a goddamn motherfucking instructional manual for how to overthrow the US government — and like most of the news media just pretended like it didn’t happen?! As Joe Biden would say, c’mon man. And as TBS would say, “what the fuck?! Get your flipping heads out of your asses and cover the goddamn news about the endless goddamn coup attempt against the United States of America!!!” More: Media Matters

Note six: Woohoo! The City of Angels would be darn lucky to have Karen Bass as mayor. LAist

Note seven: They’re letting Hinckley out. Isn’t it crazy that we’re all more worried about a former president than we are a former presidential assassin? Weird times. More: NPR

Note eight: Right now, Democrats desperately need unity. As such, we are trying really goddamn hard to not criticize anyone with a D by their name. But fuuuuuuuuuuck this doesn’t make that easy. More: New York Times

Note nine: California has gone to universal vote-by-mail. Sam lives out there and he is always raving about how it’s so easy to vote there that even he can’t fuck it up. It’s almost like all those damn hippies want to live in a damn democracy. More: LA Times

Note 10: Y’all see Kristi Noem freak out yesterday because she got busted pulling strings for her kid? Yeah, the lady who attacked Hunter Biden says kids should be off limits. We agree. Except for Don Jr. Fuck that asshole. More: Associated Press

Note 11: Glenn Youngkin is running for governor of Virginia. He’s a Republican and a Trumper, and he’s trying to hide that. Are we gonna let him? Oh hell no. More: Washington Post

Note 12: How was the headline of this story not “Dentists Want to Inflict More Pain on Patients?” More: Wall Street Journal

Note 13: Always good to see President Obama on camera, especially when he’s pushing for the Biden agenda that we all voted for. Thanks, Mr. President! More: ABC News

Note 14: You so rarely see glass-half-full pieces out of the Beltway. Thanks to Mr. Eugene Robinson for this look at what the Biden-Harris administration has already accomplished. More: Washington Post

Note 15: Always listen to Kareem. Dude is a freaking renaissance man. More: CNN

Note 16: Younger generations are never forgive us for what we are doing to this planet. Or for not prosecuting Matt Gaetz already. More: NBC News

Note 17: You know the scene in Animal House when John Belushi is like “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” Well that quote has now become a political movement, and it’s called Trumpism. More: CNN

Note 18: So the chairman of Marvel and two other rich Mar-a-Lago guys (allegedly) came up with an illegal scheme to monetize the health data of veterans. Shouldn’t Captain America be fucking these guys up by now? More: CNBC

Note 19: We already knew the federal judiciary was broken. We had no idea it was this broken. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 20: Just a reminder that the people who elected Joe Manchin really want the legislative package that he is killing. But hey, at least he’s making Mitch McConnell happy. More: The Guardian

Note 21: As we write this morning, U.S. generals are on Capitol Hill defending themselves over the Afghanistan withdrawal and telling lawmakers how badly they wanted to keep 2,500 troops there. Aren’t you glad we have a president who said enough is enough?

Note 22: Ok, you hot ass freedom fighters, let’s get to the news. We hope your week is kicking ass so far, and we hope you’re keeping your head up as everything turns to absolute shit around you. FWIW, you’re doing great, and you smell fantastic. Have an awesome day. Love y’all!

Lunatics

As we mentioned in the opening note, Senate Republicans voted yesterday to filibuster an increase in the debt ceiling, essentially voting for default and to kill 6 million American jobs. This comes less than 10 months after the same party tried to use violence to overthrow the government. For some reason, this was largely treated as business as usual by the Beltway press. Oh and we found out this morning that the government will run out of money on Oct. 18. More: CNN, Bloomberg, Press Run

New plan

So the big news for Democrats last night and this morning was that Speaker Pelosi is changing plans and will no longer tie the reconciliation bill to the infrastructure bill. This is a pretty big blow to progressives, and we’re damn curious to see how the speaker delivers on the rest of the Democratic agenda. That said, we’ve watched this woman perform about 50 miracles already in the past few years, and we’re damn sure not gonna question her methods now. Keep the faith, folks. More: New York Times

We’re gonna need a shower

Stephanie Grisham, the former White House press secretary who literally never once briefed the press during her tenure, is out with a gross tell-all book about Trump. You’ve heard most of it before except for one anecdote about Trump’s gross junk that we don’t want to talk about because we’re pretty sure we’d make you sick and then you’d be mad at us. Here are a couple of links if you’re interested. One thing to remember that many reporters are forgetting today — this lady lied to us over and over again. So she probably didn’t just magically become super honest. More: The Daily Beast, Washington Post

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden is nominating nine lawyers to run U.S. attorney’s offices across the country, a diverse group of candidates in the latest round of picks for the top law enforcement positions.

Top Senate Democrats have in recent days studied a tax of $15 per ton on oil and gas producers that they think could raise between $700 billion and $900 billion in new tax revenue, according to two aides familiar with the matter, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because the measure is not yet finalized. The funding could then be used to either help pay for Democrats’ $3.5 trillion economic spending package, or sent back to consumers in the form of rebates to compensate for higher prices, the people said.

Democrats are trying to attack Republican political candidates over abortion rights far from Texas — including libertarian states like New Hampshire and Nevada. More: Axios

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