Today’s Big Stuff 9.27.22

September 27, 2022

Today’s Big Stuff 9.27.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 42 days until the midterm elections. The Texas AG makes a run for it, some a-hole seditionists go on trial and we really want answers from the Secret Service.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like an angry child who just discovered cussing.

Note: Huddle up, Sexy Patriots! It’s pep talk time! Over the last several years, we’ve been through a lot together — a pandemic, economic ups and downs and a goddamn gameshow host president. And through it all, we leaned on each other and we reminded each other that we were not alone in our fear, our outrage, our anger or our desire to point and laugh at that idiot gameshow host president.

Well now we’re on one of the most important missions of our lives — the mission to save America from evil dipshits. Is that grandiose or melodramatic or even sound a little like Dan Aykroyd in Blues Brothers? Not even a little bit. Because it’s not an exaggeration to say those twisted fuckers are coming for everything we care about.

That is some truly fucked up shit. The American Taliban is on the march, and we only have seven weeks to stop them. So please give it all you’ve got. We know you are. We know you’ve given what you can, we know you’re knocking on doors, we know you’re making phone calls and we know you’re too fucking awesome and stubborn to give up this fight to a bunch of assbreathed fascist buttholes. So we’re gonna vote, we’re gonna vote early and we’re gonna vote against assbreathed fascist buttholes.

We love y’all, and there’s nobody we’d rather be in this fight with than you. So for the next seven weeks, we’re all on the same mission — the mission to save America from evil dipshits.

Note two: How’s your #TBSwearJar going? You had to sell a kidney to cover it? Well we hear that. On Thursday we’re going to announce our totals and then get some checks in the mail to the campaigns we’re supporting. We’ll probably only add another million bucks between now and then. Man we sure do cuss a lot.

Note three: Right now students in Virginia are walking out of class to protest the backwards dumbfuck anti-trans rules Gov. Glenn Youngkin recently announced. Apparently no betlway reporters have explained to these brave students that Youngkin is actually a moderate. Or the students just see through bullshit better than a betlway reporter does.

Note four: Doug Mastriano in Pennsylvania is a scary dude. Don’t let his obvious stupidity and questionable hygiene lull you into a false sense of confidence. Pa, Wisc. and Ariz. are the guv races we’re most worried about. More: HuffPost

Note five: To our friends in Florida — NO OF COURSE WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU, DESANTIS, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT! — Hurricane Ian is looking real damn scary, so if you’re in the Tampa or Sarasota areas, please get somewhere safe. More: Orlando Sentinel

Note six: Speaking of DeSantis, he and his team are looking as crackhead buffoonish as usual…

Note seven: CNN just reported that Pa. Guv candidate Josh Shapiro raised more than $25 million last quarter. Holy shit!!! Guess we’re not the only ones worried about Mastriano. More: CNN

Note eight: If you’re looking for a Senate race to get involved in, Nevada is scaring the hell out of us.

Note nine: Did y’all see NASA crash a spacecraft into an asteroid? So NASA is just stoner kids fucking around these days, right? More: CNN

Note 10: Speaking of stoner kids, Kellyanne Conway says marijuana deaths are on the rise. We have always wondered what she’s smoking and we know it ain’t weed.

Note 11: Do you ever wonder if these puritanical assholes just never got offered a toke and it made them insufferable dicks?

Note 12: President Biden has invited French President Macron to be his first State Dinner guest. Macron kissed Trump and Putin’s asses until his lips bled, so yeah, we would’ve gone with someone who’s not a sniveling coward. More: CNN

Note 13: Huge congrats to Edward Snowden on becoming a Russian citizen. Where do we send this basket of fuck you? More: Reuters

Note 14: We really really really really really really hate Kyrsten Sinema. More: HuffPost

Note 15: It’s so easy to get caught up in all the shouting and bullshit. But at the end of the day, Dark Brandon is making life better for millions of Americans in about a million different ways.

Note 16: US consumer confidence is the highest it has been since April. Until the Fed royally fucks it all up. More: Bloomberg

Note 17: LOLOL. “Dr.” Oz is desperate and flailing so he went on a podcast hosted by one of Mitch McConnell’s weasels and attacked the way John Fetterman dresses. But here’s the best part — Oz said that by dressing like that, Fetterman is “kicking authority in the balls.” LOL. Stop, Oz, we already love him!

Note 18: We’re not gonna link to it, but Tucker Carlson took a giant steaming shit on the Republicans’ “Commitment to America.” Guess there’s just no pleasing white supremacists sleazebags whose own mothers didn’t love them.

Note 19: A whole shitload of state judges are begging the Supreme Court to not embrace the independent state legislature theory. It will be the end of American democracy if they do. And that shit is already hanging on by a damn thread. More: News Observer

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s go do some news and then let’s get back to kicking some serious ass! We hope today’s pep talk got you all fired up. And if it didn’t, we’ll try again tomorrow. Love y’all!

Run, fuckhead, run

So a Texas process server tried to serve Texas AG Ken Paxton with a subpoena, and ol’ Kenny made a run for it. Yeah, an AG who has been under indictment for the last seven years, had his wife play AC while he played OJ and he just took off. Then he started tweeting about how he feared for his safety. What a fucking wimp.

Have fun

Today jury selection starts in the Oathkeepers case. Yes, the miserable shit-eating pig-fucking scumbag militia members who attacked our Capitol in an effort to install their orange god as dictator for life are finally going on trial. We hope the jury moves quickly to convict them as seditionists and traitors and asshats and we hope they spend eternity branded as such.

More: CNN

WTF?!

Can someone please tell us what is happening with the Secret Service texts? So the phones were confiscated and they were given to the DHS IG, but the DHS IG is crooked as fuck and so some of the messages disappeared? Do we have that right? Also, why the fuck hasn’t that IG been fired?

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

Hundreds of newly revealed text messages proposing strategies to overturn the 2020 presidential election that were turned over to the House Jan. 6 committee by Donald Trump’s former White House chief of staff Mark Meadows are now clarifying his alleged role in the effort, according to The Guardian.

More: HuffPost

Referendums that are expected to serve as a pretext for Moscow to annex Russian-held regions of Ukraine reached their final day of voting Tuesday as the preordained outcome of the Kremlin-orchestrated votes heightened tension between Russia and the West.

More: HuffPost

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