Today's Big Stuff 9.26.22

9.26.22

It’s Monday. There are 43 days until the midterm elections. Arizona bans abortions, Republicans now openly cheer fascism and some shockingly good news for American manufacturing.

Be advised: We haven’t done studies, but our guess is this newsletter cusses way more on Mondays than any other day of the week. But that’s only because Mondays suck ass.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How in the effing fuck are y’all this fine day? We missed you this weekend, and we’re really damn happy to be back with you. Tomorrow will mark seven weeks until the midterms and so we’re planning a pep talk for tomorrow’s edition. But today we thought it was important that we defend the brave men and women of our military from super tough and masculine guys like, um, Ben Shapiro.

LOL. Ok, little fella, take it easy. Can we just take a second to talk about how hilarious and confusing it is that the new faces of right-wing masculinity are spoiled rotten wimpy little shits like Tucker Carlson and Ben “I couldn’t get my wife wet if I pushed her out of a boat” Shapiro? Yeah, it’s truly bizarre and definitely not them compensating for having leprechaun peen. But we wanted to get to the bottom of it, so here is the Right’s new general for masculinity, Reginald P. Kittensack…

TBS: Thanks for joining us. Are you fanning yourself with a lace hanky?

RPK: Thanks for having me, and yes I am. Your bawdy language almost made me faint.

TBS: Oh so you aren’t very tough then?

RPK: Only when I’m in a television studio or on twitter. But this exchange is a bit scary.

TBS: Really? We’re just getting started.

RPK: Yes, but I seem to have already soiled myself.

TBS: Seriously? But you think the military isn’t tough enough?

RPK: No, I do not. And yes, I just did it again.

TBS: Un-fucking-real. So you’re calling the military weak while you’re shitting yourself?!

RPK: Well the first time I peed myself, but yes you are correct.

TBS: Jesus. Is this what Tucker and Ben are like too?

RPK: No, I’m the muscle.

TBS: Ok, well please get the fuck out of here and try not to leave a trail.

Yikes, well Reginald Kittensack doesn’t seem all that tough to us. But maybe we could settle it another way — Shapiro picks out the member of the military he thinks is the weakest and they fight. We can already tell you how it ends.

Note two: It’s the last week of the Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar! Thank god! This was a great idea, Linda G., but now we need to stay at your house. At the end of the week, we’ll be turning those swear dollars into a campaign contribution, and we’re so grateful to all of you who have done the same.

Note three: After we’re done with this swear jar idea, we’re gonna raise money for Chuck Todd to buy a fucking clue and a little self-respect. More: The Wrap

Note four: So we’re not gonna go big on ex-congressman Denver Riggleman’s explosive Jan. 6 revelations on 60 Minutes. Why? Well because it looks like he’s trying to profit off his limited role with the committee, and this shit is too important for one selfish dude to go rogue. More: Washington Post

Note five: Here’s whatever the opposite of breaking news is — Kyrsten Sinema sucks, and we’ll be shocked if her sorry corrupt ass doesn’t switch parties within a week after the midterms.

Note six: The Jan. 6 committee has subpoenaed Wisconsin Assembly Speaker Robin Vos. He is of course fighting the subpoena because he’s a chickenshit who doesn’t want anyone to know about his conversations with Trump. More: CNN

Note seven: Oh and Mark Meadows was communicating directly with a Trumper about seizing voting machines. More: CNN

Note eight: We’ve been keeping an eye on this Sinema speech while we’re writing, and now we’re going to go throw up and then daydream about Ruben Gallego beating her in a primary.

Note nine: You know how Republicans keep saying that Merrick Garland called parents domestic terrorists? Well it turns out they’re lying (GASP!) and a judge said so. More: Law and Crime

Note 10: Right-wingers sure suck at handling the economy. And really everything else. More: CNN

Note 11: There’s a lot going on right now. Republicans are doing everything they can to change the subject. Dark Brandon is here to keep us focused.

Note 12: There have been quite a few stories the past few days about how American officials are warning Russia against using nukes. And not one of them has made us crap our pants. At least not a lot. More: NBC News

Note 13: Adam Schiff is pissed off DOJ hasn’t moved faster to hook some big fish from Jan. 6. We feel the same way. And if we’re really letting Matt Gaetz go, then maybe we really are soft on crime. More: CNN

Note 14: Seriously? Tucker Carlson and Newt Gingrich are coming for John Fetterman’s tattoos? Well we hope they enjoy this chapter from “Why You Shouldn’t Fuck with John Fetterman.” More NBC News

Note 15: Speaking of Newt, maybe he should have an affair with someone who’s cool about music and then he wouldn’t tweet such stupid out-of-touch shit. Though in his defense, he prefers one-and-a-half-inch nails and Johnny Other People’s Cash. More:

Note 16: We keep seeing reports about Trump vs. DeSantis. Here’s our super duper insider scoop — they’re both the fucking worst. More: Business Insider

Note 17: RIHANNA IS PERFORMING AT THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW WE’RE NOT EVEN GONNA PRETEND TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE GAME HOLY FUCKING SHIT RIHANNA IS PERFORMING AT THE SUPER BOWL!!! More: Associated Press

Note 18: Dark Brandon is kicking major ass on installing judges. The only real problem is that he can’t uninstall the vicious dumbfucks Trump put in there. More: NBC News

Note 19: Remember how Greg Abbott was gonna end rape so his total abortion ban and the bounties and all that shit would be a little less cruel? Well you’ll be shocked to learn he didn’t succeed. More: Associated Press

Note 20: Since we don’t want to end on an ugly Texas note, let’s end on Joe Biden’s approval rating being the highest it’s been all year! We can win this thing, y’all. We really can.

Note 21: And on that note, let’s go do some news. We hope y’all have an awesome week, and we’re damn glad to be here with you. Love y’all!

1864

Yes, the year 1864. That’s when Arizona wrote an anti-abortion law that a single Republican judge now says applies to all women in Arizona. Yes, it is extremely fucked up. In fact, the only thing that could be crazier would be if one of the state’s two U.S. senators reacted to it by flying to Kentucky and kissing the ass of the ancient turtle who brought this suffering upon Arizona’s women. The only good news here is that there’s an election in about six weeks, and everything in Arizona is on the ballot. 1864. Are you fucking kidding us?! More: CNN

Yay Mussolini

That’s not us. That’s the Republican Party. After exit polls showed a Mussolini fan is likely to become the next Italian Prime Minister, right-wing Americans ran to twitter to talk about how they wish America would do the same. So they want to be like Italy and Hungary. And here we just want to be like America. More: NPR

Biden’s boom

We pretty much gave up on good headlines about American manufacturing years ago. But then Joe Biden came along and turned that shit around. “Factory Jobs Are Booming Like It’s the 1970s.” That’s the hed in today’s NYT. U.S. manufacturers have no added enough jobs to make up for what was lost in the pandemic and beyond — there are 67,000 more workers in the manufacturing sector than before COVID. The Fed is trying desperately to fuck this all up, but we are grateful for Biden’s efforts. More: New York Times

Today’s clips

Hurricane Ian moved near the Cayman Islands and closer to western Cuba early Monday on a track to hit Florida as a major hurricane this week. More: Huff Post

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