Today's Big Stuff 9.24.21

9.24.21

Happy Friday! There are 410 days until the midterm elections. Even Fox says Americans want to protect Roe as the House votes to codify it, the Jan. 6 committee lets subpoenas fly and the Republicans running for the Senate in Ohio are really fucked up.

Note: Are you ok, Sexy Patriots? Do you need some medical attention? We know we shouldn’t make jokey health-related jokes during a pandemic when we’re doing our silly intro, but frankly we’re a little worried about y’all. How are your sides? Is your ass still there? Because after what we’re seeing in Arizona, we’re damn worried your sides might split and your ass might get laughed off. Just in case you haven’t seen it, we found out last night that the crack-smoking shit weasels at Cyber Ninjas, the Trumpers who have been fake auditing the Arizona presidential results, FOUND THAT JOE BIDEN ACTUALLY WON BY MORE VOTES THAN THE OFFICIAL MARGIN. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And Trump had already put out a statement telling everyone to look at the results! Which he deleted! Folks, that’s just good comedy. What should we call it? The Arizona Embarrassment? The Arizona Oopsie? The Orange Dumbfuck and the Great Arizona Idiot Fail? There simply has never been a bigger self-own. It’s breathtaking. We want to write poems about it. What rhymes with dumbest motherfuckers in history? It should be in a museum. Are there museums dedicated to shit blowing up in the faces of idiots? It’s in Florida, isn’t it? It’s Geraldo opening up Capone’s vault for the year 2021. We can’t stop laughing. We can’t breathe.We’re rambling. The jokes are just coming up too fast and we’re overloading. BIDEN GOT MORE VOTES ACCORDING TO THE DUMBFUCKS WHO WERE TRYING TO CHEAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh thank you, Cyber Ninjas, you ridiculous meth-eating traitors. This was just the laugh we needed to kick off our weekend. Please never stop being you. It just might save the republic. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! More: Washington Post, Axios

Note two: Hey, Stufferinoes, we just wanted to say thanks again for helping us get our new website and the funding of this newsletter off the ground last week with a solid start. We have only begun to harass you, but we’re also trying to write a lot more original content for you. Today, Uncle Sam writes about how Democrats might be pissing us off right now, but at least they’re not trying to kill us. More: Today's Big Stuff

Note three: So you wanna feel old? (Well of course, TBS, who doesn’t like feeling old, you fucking idiots?) Nirvana’s Nevermind and the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Blood Sugar Sex Magik both came out 30 years ago today. Talk about two all-time bangers. We know what we’re listening to this weekend.

Note four: We were gonna put this in the news section, but it got full. Florida Republicans now want to go after all vaccine mandates. You’re gonna need a goddamn hazmat suit to visit that state. When did the whole Republican Party turn into Jenny McCarthy? More: Florida Politics

Note five: So Biden spoke to the embarrassment that is the White House press corps today, and he was pretty harsh on the border patrol scum who were chasing people down on horses and whipping them. And we’re glad to see it. But the problem is the policy that is treating Haitian refugees like criminals. Why are we acting like the Stephen Miller party? More: CNN, CNN II

Note six: So a Koch Brothers employee was part of the Jan. 6 mob. We’re shocked. More: Huff Post

Note seven: So what the fuck does Steve Bannon have to do to get arrested? More: Newsweek

Note eight: Well, hey, now here’s some good news. Maybe some reasons for optimism about the pandemic. More: Axios

Note nine: The guy who directed Notting Hill died. We freaking love that movie. Because after all, we’re just a newsletter standing in front of a sexy patriot and asking y’all to love us. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 10: Mitch McConnell is trying very hard to shut down the government and kill 6 million jobs, but Politico interviewed him about winning the Senate back and blocking any Biden Supreme Court picks. More: Washington Post, NO POLITICO LINKS

Note 11: So this might be the must-read of the week. Aside from the idiotic assumption that Trump should get his social media accounts back, it’s a pretty harrowing and accurate read. More: Washington Post

Note 12: So, folks, we’ve got a race in Virginia. The Cook Political Report has moved the gubernatorial race to a toss-up and polls are showing that’s what we’ve got. Trump is pushing the GOP candidate to embrace him more, and frankly, that’s what we’d like to see too. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Lawyers usually leave the sinking ship right after the rats do. More: The Daily Beast

Note 14: Maybe the best thing we have going for us right now is that the other party is tearing itself apart too. More: Axios

Note 15: The Washington Post says that Trump was more focused on trying to steal an election than actually fight COVID. The TBS Post says no fucking shit. More: Washington Post

Note 16: This is the kind of fight we need to see from Democrats. Pennsylvania Republicans want the personal information of 7 million voters, ok let’s go to court and fight about it. More: Reuters

Note 17: Chuck Grassley, who was actually friends with Benedict Arnold, is going to run for re-election because the world apparently needs more ancient traitors. More: Axios

Note 18: Guess who Chuck Todd is having on Meet the Press this weekend? Meghan McCain. We swear we’re not making that up. So if you’re looking for something to do instead this Sunday, might we suggest sticking your whole face in a fucking blender.

Note 19: Ok, Stufferinoes, let’s get to the news and then let’s get our hot asses to the weekend, shall we? We hope y’all had a good week, and thank you again for having our backs as we try to grow TBS. Y’all are the freaking best. Love you!

65 percent

That’s the percentage of Americans who favor keeping Roe v. Wade as is. That is a record high and comes as the court is preparing to hear yet another challenge to the landmark ruling after essentially gutting it in the dark of night. Yeah, this is a terrible issue for Republicans that should be compounded by McConnell’s threat today to block all Supreme Court nominations if Republicans retake the Senate. The House is taking up a bill today that would codify Roe into law, but it’s not going anywhere in the Senate. More: Fox News, Washington Post, CNN

Subpoena time

So the Jan. 6 committee is ramping shit up, and they have now sent out subpoenas to creepy traitors like Steve Bannon. Now look, these fuckers will either wipe their asses with it or they’ll show up and plead the fifth. But it’s nice to finally see someone trying to hold Team Trump accountable for oh you know TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES. More: CNN, Washington Post

Asshole Elegy

So the Republicans running for the Senate nomination in Ohio are some truly fucked up people. Josh Mandel practically wears a hood and robes every day, and now we have some shocking comments about rape from Hillibilly Elegy author J.D. Vance. In defending Texas’s insane abortion law, Vance said that rape and incest are “inconvenient.” Yeah, that motherfucker really said that. If you’re not already, go to Tim Ryan’s website and show him some love. More: The Daily Beast

Today’s clips

A powerhouse DC lobbying firm has formally cut ties with the Saudi government office implicated in the 2018 murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. The move comes after an advocacy group Khashoggi founded launched a campaign to shame the firm and one of its top lobbyists.