Today's Big Stuff 9.21.22

9.21.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 48 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s special master seems like a real judge, a Republican candidate admits Plan B is next and what Lindsey Graham really wants for American women.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because Republicans keep fucking with people.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’ve got some truly shocking stuff to share with you today. You might have seen that Liz Cheney said this week that a Republican House member referred to Trump as “Orange Jesus” on Jan. 6.

Get the fuck outta here with that shit. Orange Jesus? Really? Well, we were half laughing and half horrified after we heard this silly crap. And then we heard a thunderbolt and before us appeared a religious text written in crayon on the back of a ripped out Playboy centerfold from 1987. Here now is an excerpt from the Book of Orange Jesus as discovered in our driveway…

And God commanded Orange Jesus to go forth and leave many women from different lands rich but outcast and unsatisfied, telling him to have many children who smelled of the swine and had the brains and appeal of the sheep’s droppings. And yay Orange Jesus did look upon his porn star mistress and describeth her in a tweet as ye old horse face and yay it was still closer than the loser lord got to remembering the names of thou own offspring. And Lindsey, the twelfth son of Gary the Kiss Ass, longed to be one of yon offspring and yet Orange Jesus used him only to wipe thine buttcrack. Exalt! For thine crack-smoking pillow prophet has foretold a great victory for Orange Jesus that shall be real and not bullshit like the last great victory thy crack-smoking pillow prophet foretold. But thou art still thy superior prophet to Rudy, who shitteth from his forehead and lay with his cousin and that whole fucked up Borat thing. And lo we looked upon Orange Jesus and his sad disciples who do licketh the boot with great eagerness, and we decided it was bad. Like really really fucking bad. And we prayed we might smite the stupid and the cruel. And it was good. And it was Sexy.

We’re really on a roll with the blasphemy lately. Of course we’re not the ones worshiping a golden creep. Y’all have a blessed day!

Note two: With September disappearing like an ethical Republican, the #TBSwearJar campaign is almost over. We’ve been so delighted to see so many of y’all joining us for this, and we know the candidates you’re helping will be damn grateful. Check out this badass TBS Motherfucking Swear Jar from Jodi D…

Note three: Russia is calling up 300,000 “reservists” and Russians are trying like hell to leave the country. That probably means the war is going great for them, right? More: Reuters

Note four: Did y’all see that Morning Consult had Biden’s approval rating up to 47 percent yesterday? Dayum, Dark Brandon. Lookin’ good! More: Morning Consult

Note five: We want to wish the best to E. Jean Carroll as she continues to seek justice. More: The Guardian

Note six: We really are up against the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet. Maybe kissing all that orange ass kills brain cells.

Note seven: The fact that Republicans want to close out this election season by trying to undo loan forgiveness sure as shit lends credence to our orange-ass-kissing-kills-brain-cells theory. Because that is just dumber than all hell. More: Wall Street Journal

Note eight: You know how Ukraine is shocking the world by beating back Russia’s cruel and illegal war? And you know how the US has helped make that possible with our support? Well if Republicans win the House, there’s a good chance both of those things go bye-bye. Because Republicans are pro-Putin and anti-not-being-scumbags. More: Washington Post

Note nine: So if you’re like us, you’ve been wondering when the ever-living fuck alleged child trafficker Matt Gaetz is going to get arrested for the heinous shit he’s alleged to have done. Well it sure looks like the reason it’s taking so long is because the investigation is kinda huge and getting all kinds of bad guys. At least that’s what we’re hoping. Well that and that Matt stays away from Chuck E. Cheese. More: Orlando Sentinel

Note 10: We’re still laughing our asses off that Trump went to Ohio to do a rally for JD Vance and announced to the whole world that JD is kissing his ass. Watching all these gutless wimps degrade themselves is almost worth the collapse of democracy.

Note 11: They are quite seriously coming for our democracy.

Note 12: Did you register to vote yesterday? Trick question! We know you’re already registered. But did you confirm that you’re still registered? Be like Santa and check that shit twice.

Note 13: We’re definitely rooting for DeShitbreath’s kidnapping victims here. More: NBC News

Note 13: Oh and yesterday Mitch McConnell endorsed the kidnapping plot DeShitbreath and Greg Asshat have been perpetrating. It’s a great reminder that the Republican Party is evil and smelly and sucks and cannot be saved. More: Yahoo News

Note 14: The Daily Mail got busted removing references to Trump’s “thin crowd” in Ohio. So now we know everything they print is total bullshit. More: The Daily Beast

Note 15: This is so freaking great to see. President Biden is bringing live music back to the White House that isn’t Ted Nugent’s gross ass. Bonus — you know the fact that it’s Elton is really gonna piss Trump off. More: CNN

Note 16: Well, do we agree with Rep. Nancy Mace about the “hysteria” over the fall of Roe? Yeah, we didn’t think so. Eat shit, Nancy.

Note 17: So this is fucking hilarious — McConnell’s super pac has pulled out of Arizona Nazi Blake Masters’s race the way we wish Blake Masters daddy had. It looks like a retreat, but it could also be McConnell playing chicken with Peter Thiel to try and get Thiel to pay for his own Nazi. More: Axios

Note 18: You know, say this about the era of Trump Republican scum — they have inspired heroism in so many Americans from so many different walks of life…

Note 19: DeSantis is beating Trump in Florida. Apparently Florida loves limp-dick psychos. We can’t wait to watch these twisted fuckers destroy each other. More: USA Today

Note 20: And on that note, let’s hustle our hot asses on over to the news section. We know these next few weeks are gonna be intense, so please make sure you are prioritizing self-care as much as you’re prioritizing kicking ass to save democracy. It’s ok to take a breather from time to time. We’ll be here when you get back. Love y’all!

Note 21: Oh and by the way — Do you remember the 21st night of September? More: YouTube

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So Trump wanted a special master. And Trump got a special master. And the special master seems like just a regular ol’ judge who doesn’t understand why classified documents are supposed to belong to Trump or why he’s claiming they’re declassified without claiming they’re declassified. Yes, to a real judge, this shit seems kinda basic. That’s why Trump went to his own judge. Who now looks like an idiot. More: Huff Post

An F in Plan B

Please meet Matt DePerno. He is running for Attorney General in Michigan. In this very short clip, he says he doesn’t know what Plan B is, then he says he wants to ban it and then he says it’s like Fentanyl. What do y’all say we work our asses off to make sure that we can always just call him dumbshit and not Attorney General Dumbshit?

Can’t even spell OBGYN

Lindsey Graham is doubling and tripling down on his call for a national abortion ban, and as such, the folks over at NBCNews went ahead and talked to some actual doctors about what that means. And one of the things it means — ASIDE FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA STRIPPING MILLIONS OF WOMEN OF THEIR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS — is that a lot of women will have to undergo trans-vaginal ultrasounds. Do we think Lindsey knows what that means? No. No, we do not. More: NBC News

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden on Tuesday revisited his recent comments declaring the COVID-19pandemic is over in the U.S.

Speaking at a New York City fundraiser held for two Democratic groups and attended by celebrities including Robert De Niro, the president appeared reassuring on COVID-19, encouraging attendees to get vaccinated. More: Huff Post

In the video, a massive crowd cheers as a woman lifts a pair of scissors to her hair – exposed, without a hijab in sight. The sea of people, many of them men, roar as she chops off her ponytail and raises her fist in the air.

It was a powerful act of defiance Tuesday night in the city of Kerman, Iran, where women are required to wear hijabs in public – and just one of the many protests taking place across the country following the death of Mahsa Amini, a 22-year-old woman who died in police custody last week. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Warning that the world is in “great peril,” the head of the United Nations says leaders meeting in person for the first time in three years must tackle conflicts and climate catastrophes, increasing poverty and inequality — and address divisions among major powers that have gotten worse since Russia invaded Ukraine. More: HuffPost

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