Today’s Big Stuff 9.20.22

Today’s Big Stuff 9.20.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 49 days until the midterm elections.Trump’s attorneys get cold feet, Republicans ramp up their war on women and a Texas sheriff calls out DeSantis.

Be advised: This newsletter has a dirty mouth. Great body though.

Note: Well howdy, Sexy Patriots! How in the effing heck are y’all this fine day? Well good. We knew it would come out. Us? Oh just devilishly handsome, super fucking outraged and eager to cuss about it all. What’s put a bee in our bonnets today? Bret fucking Baier and the degenerate scum at Fox News.

Ain’t that some pathetic bullshit? Poor Bret was upset that the Trump campaign was “pissed” so he wanted to flip a state to make them feel better. That seems like some pretty shitty journalism to us. But we wanted to find out more so we arranged a fake interview with Dan Rather Not, Bret Baier…

TBS: So you’re a lying scumbag who bends to pressure from campaigns?

BB: That is categorically false. But please don’t tell Mr. Trump I said that.

TBS: Do you act like this because you look like a giant misshapen penis?

BB: It’s mostly cowardice and opportunism. But yeah, I wish I had a neck.

TBS: If Trump told you to eat shit, what would you do afterwards?

BB: Probably ask him what he wanted me to do. He scares me greatly.

TBS: Apparently so.

BB: They’ve had to install a tube system under my anchor desk for when he makes me pee myself.

TBS: How humiliating. Do you not have an ounce of self-respect?

BB: It’s not allowed at Fox. We have to put it in a locker with our souls.

TBS: Well, you are clearly a coward and a total sleaze.

BB: Don’t forget liar!

TBS: Right. You are also a shameless goddamn liar. We hope you do eat that shit and then go straight to hell.

BB: Thanks, guys!

Well there you have it. Lying dingus Bret Baier says he is a coward, a sleaze and a liar. He didn’t really, but we’re using Fox rules here so let’s just say he did.

Note two: Speaking of Fox being pure fucking evil, Tucker Carlson is trying to get children’s hospitals bombed. Let’s say that again — TUCKER CARLSON IS TRYING TO GET CHILDREN’S HOSPITALS BOMBED. More: LGBTQ Nation

Note three: How’s your #TBSwearJar going? We’ve heard from a lot of y’all that your seeing them overflow like ours. Yeah, we’ve been making it rain up in here. We’ve only got a few more days for swear jar September, but we’re so excited for the candidates you’re supporting. And y’all have sure picked some good ones.

Note four: Today is NATIONAL VOTER REGISTRATION DAY!!! Now we know all y’all are registered to vote, but what about your friends, neighbors, family and that dude at the coffee shop you’ve been flirting with. Sign ‘em up! Just ask them if they want Lindsey Graham deciding how many rights they have. More: National Voter Registration Day

Note five: Speaking of Lindsey Graham, that shit-eating troll is screaming from the rooftops that he wants the federal government to control what women across the entire country do. Just look at this sweaty little weasel…

Note six: Levar Burton is a national treasure, and he’s right that people who want to ban books are dirtbags. More: LitHub

Note seven: Want to see something really cool? Well sorta cool. It sure as shit shouldn’t have taken 230 goddamn years for this to happen. More: NPR

Note eight: Michael Gableman, the ex-judge turned conspiracy brained toad-fucker who was tasked with finding fraud in Wisconsin and couldn’t, is now calling for violence. Something tells us he won’t be rushing to the front lines. More: WPR

Note nine: Whoa! Adam McKay is giving $4 million to climate groups! Talk about putting your money where your mouth is. Love to see it! More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 10: You wanna bet that every last goddamn one of these shitheads has a support the troops sticker on their rigs?

Note 11: Puerto Rico is still very much in the dark. It looks like some of the hospitals have come back on line, but they’re still really hurting. More: CNN

Note 12: We’re not great with math, but it seems like the president who made the most arrests at the Southern border would be the president who did the most to stop people coming in. Right? We’re not the type to get all worked up about people fleeing hell and seeking a new life here, but it seems like if we were, that would be a powerful talking point. More: NY Times

Note 13: This is fucking insane. One of Trump’s fake electors spent hours inside a restricted area of an elections office in Georgia. How is no one in jail for this two years after it happened? More: CNN

Note 14: In Wisconsin, Republicans are telling people to sign up as poll workers and make voting uncomfortable for people. Congrats to Mitch McConnell and John Roberts for making this nightmare possible. More: WSJ

Note 15: We talked a little about this yesterday but we wanted to follow up today by asking SERIOUSLY WHAT THE EFFING FUCK?!!!

Note 16: Republicans are really looking to sue and stop Biden’s student loan forgiveness. This is why they have to cheat — because everyone decent hates them. More: Axios

Note 17: Trump was talking shit yesterday about Biden not having a good seat for the Queen’s funeral. He was doing it from Florida because nobody invited his orange fucking ass.

Note 18: When you take away Americans’ rights, good Americans get real creative about helping folks get them back. Look for the helpers. And fuck the haters. More: Idaho Capital Sun

Note 19: And just for funsies, here’s today’s episode of John Fetterman putting Oz’ head in a toilet and flushing.

Note 20: LOL! Alrighty, you beautiful SPs, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to a sexy start. But since it’s your week, we know it is. Love y’all!

What?!

So Trump asked for a special master and despite that being idiotic and unnecessary, he got it. Now that motherfucker doesn’t want to cooperate with the special master because it might hurt his defense if he’s indicted. Gosh. Sounds like he didn’t actually declassify shit and it doesn’t even matter if he did. It’s also kinda hilarious though since he’s guilty as fuck and all this is doing is exposing his pet judge as the joke that she is.

More: CNN

Over our dead bodies

So it’s not bad enough that Lindsey Graham can’t stop screaming about his national abortion ban, but now some Republican men are making it clear they want to put women in jail for abortion. We have always known this is where they were going. But the pundits told us we were being hysterical and alarmist. Well fuck them and fuck these Gilead motherfuckers too. Y’all, we have got to win this November.

More: CNN

Git ‘em, sheriff

The sheriff of Bexar County, Texas is opening an investigation in Ron DeShithead and his human trafficking scheme because apparently the sheriff has a heart and a soul and he doesn’t like watching some cheap racist politician use human beings as campaign props. It’s unusual for us to root for a sheriff, but we’re rooting for this one.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Warning that the world is in “great peril,” the head of the United Nations says leaders meeting in person for the first time in three years must tackle conflicts and climate catastrophes, increasing poverty and inequality — and address divisions among major powers that have gotten worse since Russia invaded Ukraine. More: HuffPost

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