Today's Big Stuff 9.19.22

9.19.22

It’s Monday. There are 50(!!!) days until the midterm election. Prayers for Puerto Rico, Lindsey is still pushing his abortion ban and Matt Gaetz is exactly as creepy as we thought he was.

Be advised: This is a cussin’ newsletter. Because you can’t spell fuckshitgoddamnitasshole without A-D-A-M and S-A-M.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed y’all! How was your weekend? Did you go to a political rally where some dumbshit who led an attack on the US Capitol played slow music while everyone in the crowd lifted one finger in the air as part of some QAnon cult bullshit? You didn’t? Well you must have a life, some self-respect and at least three working brain cells. We didn’t go either. But that didn’t stop us from peeing ourselves a little when we saw this shit…

So to all the super cool pundits who keep acting like everything is all normal — THEY’RE DOING NAZI FUCKING SALUTES SO IS IT OK IF WE ALL FREAK THE FUCK OUT NOW?! Oh and look, there’s even a JV version…

They keep telling us they’re not not Nazis, but the human trafficking and raised hand salutes kinda give it away. Next thing you know they’ll be putting swastikas on everything and telling us they’re just freedom spinners. Y’all know what we’re up against. And y’all know we gotta stop it. So let’s kick some ass this week, SPs.

Note two: How’s your #TBSwearJar going? Because ours is overflowing like a goddamn volcano of fucks. We’re glad to be doing this for a good cause, but we sure as shit didn’t think it all the way through. We’re learning that we cuss A LOT. But y’all already knew that.

Note three: So y’all know we have a rule about not making fun of Herschel Walker because he clearly has brain damage and there is nothing funny about any of this shit. And today that rule is really being tested as Herschel has given a new interview where he acknowledges he is “not that smart.” Do we even need to say anything? More: Savannah Now

Note four: You know who else ain’t that smart? Ron DeShithead. Yeah, he put out a new ad that features an anti-semite preacher. Like we’re surprised but we’re not surprised. More: Forward.com

Note five: The Queen’s funeral is happening today. Since our only queen is Dolly Parton, we’re not really into this, but we won’t judge or make fun of anyone paying their respects. Unless you’re a news organization that would rather spend all day talking about this than more than a million people in Puerto Rico who don’t have power. More: Associated Press

Note six: Seriously we would die for this woman…

Note seven: Republicans kept pulling their human trafficking stunts over the weekend. This time they used a 1-month old. Yes, that is cruel and insanely fucked up. More: Yahoo News

Note eight: LOLOL. So as scary as that Trump Ohio rally was, there was also some fantastic comedic relief when Trump announced to his small crowd that JD Vance “is kissing my ass.” LOLOL. Literally the only thing we enjoy about Trump is the way he has unceremoniously neutered pretty much every Republican in the country. More: USA Today

Note nine: So we should’ve put this in the news section because we’re fucking furious about it. Virginia Gov. Glen Youngkin, who the press told us was a big-time moderate, just declared war on trans kids Friday night. We’ll say it loud so the Washington Post can hear us — THERE ARE NO MODERATE REPUBLICANS. More: NPR

Note 10: Big congrats to Coach Becky Hammon and the Las Vegas Aces on winning the WNBA championship yesterday!

Note 11: You know that broken human garbage who was arrested for making fucking bomb threats to a children’s hospital? You’ll never guess who her favorite president is… More: Vice

Note 12: Neo-Nazi Blake Masters has offended American veterans. We’re not even veterans, and that motherfucker has offended us too. More: Nevalley News

Note 13: Need some good news this Monday? Well here ya go…

Note 14: We’re gonna need the new generation to save us. But if we’re honest about it, they’ll be saving themselves. More: The Guardian

Note 15: Uh-oh! Don’t look now, but NBC has Biden’s approval rating up to 45 percent. It’s the third poll we’ve seen with that number recently. Dark Brandon is rising. More: Bloomberg

Note 16: Meanwhile, Trump is struggling to get it up. His attendance numbers we mean…

Note 17: Speaking of Dark Brandon, gas prices have gone down 27 percent over more than 13 weeks, according to the White House. So when is the news going to start giving him credit for it? More: Wall Street Journal

Note 18: You know how the beltway media got the vapors over Democrats messing with Republican primaries? Well they did it for a reason, and it looks like it worked. More: Axios

Note 19: Did this Republican in New Hampshire just respond to Roe by telling women to “get over it?” Oh no he fucking didn’t. Well yeah, it looks like he fucking did. More: Huff Post

Note 20: Pat Sajack is a doofus fucking scumbag who can go lick diseased goat taint. More: NY Daily News

Note 21: And on that note, let’s go do some news! Hard to believe we’re just 50 damn days from the election. And early voting will be here before you know it. Keep doing what you’re doing, SPs. We’re damn grateful to be on your side. Have a blessed day.

Poor PR

More than a million people are without power in Puerto Rico as the island was again battered to hell and back by a hurricane. Biden immediately declared an emergency, and as far as we know, he hasn’t thrown a single roll of paper towels at anyone. If you pray, pray for Puerto Rico. This is really really bad. More: CNN

Keep talking, asshole

Lindsey Graham is still talking about his national abortion ban, totally losing his shit when pressed about his flip-flop on leaving it to the states. Lindsey even said the people would “revolt” if there’s not a national abortion ban. What a fucking clown. Keep talking, Lindsey. We want every voter to hear you, you fucking pud. More: Salon

WHAT THE FUCK?!

So you know how we all think Matt Gaetz is a child rapist who trafficked an underaged prostitute and paid on Venmo? Well he apparently thinks that too. That’s why the sick fuck asked the White House for a pardon for that extremely fucked up shit. But because the news dropped on a Saturday, the beltway media has already forgotten. But we sure as fuck haven’t. More: CNN

Today’s clips

An American contractor held hostage in Afghanistan for more than two years by the Taliban has been released, his family said Monday, as a Taliban drug lord jailed by the United States was also freed and returned to Kabul. More: Huff Post

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