Today's Big Stuff 9.16.22

9.16.22

Happy Friday. There are 53 days until the midterm elections. A Trump judge makes a joke of the law, Massachusetts teaches a lesson in compassion and the Senate punts on protecting marriage.

Be advised: This newsletter just got in a fresh back of cuss words, and they sent an extra box of fucks. 

Note: Holy cow, Sexy Patriots, it has been a week! It’s Marjorie Taylor Crazy how time is flying by. Someone told us today that we’re just 100 days from Christmas. So we got out our calendars and it turns out we’re only 53 days from Nazi Scumbag Christmas. Hey, TBS, you’re so good looking and what’s Scumbag Christmas.

Well, kiddos, Scumbag Christmas is what’s gonna happen in November if we let these miserable skidmarks take over shit. Now we know we don’t have to tell you how high the stakes are. You’re seeing it every goddamn day that Ron DeSantis uses people like his bathtub toys or that Gym Jordan threatens to impeach Biden. Hell, MTG fucking kicked a young activist yesterday! Kicked her!

What the effing fuck?! Someone tell that trash to keep her hooves to herself! Crazy to think that a day that started with them kidnapping a bunch of Venezuelans for some cheap laughs ended with Marjorie kicking an 18-year-old. Look, we get that they don’t want to talk about how they ripped away basic human rights from millions of women, but it’s kind of a later move to show us how much they hate all people who aren’t gameshow hosts sleaze. It’s like we get it you really fucking hate Americans. 

So let’s hate those motherfuckers back and make sure they stay miserable. Let’s keep kicking ass and keep these deranged shitheads from celebrating Nazi Scumbag Christmas. Because that’s one Christmas us liberals actually will declare war on.

Note two: Yikes. Ok that was not our best. But the cussing was there. And when you’re keeping a swear jar to save democracy, that’s what matters. One of y’all sent us an email the other day that said your #TBSwearJar has morphed into a swear trash bag and we can’t stop laughing thinking about that. Thanks for letting us know whose campaign you’re going to be helping when the month is over, and we just want to say thank you.

Note three: Oh hey, yesterday was the first day women in Indiana were living without basic human rights because their state legislature teamed up with the Supreme Court to take them away. No wonder these fucking assholes would rather talk about their kidnapping. More: CNN

Note four: We’re not gonna link to it, but Marco Rubio put out a new ad today attacking the “radical left.” Hey Liddle, you know what’s radical? Being a pathetic kiss ass to the man who neutered you in front of the whole goddamn world. NO LINK

Note five: This is the shit we love to see!!!

Note six: Trump threatened the country with violence again yesterday. Said America would have big problems if he’s indicted. Wouldn’t it be “clever” if Biden invited him to the Queen’s funeral, Jake Tapper? More: Business Insider

Note seven: We are so sick and goddamn tired of being threatened by a fucking gameshow host. Someone tell Pat SajaKKK that we ain’t afraid of him. 

Note eight: LOLOL. The other Republican running in Pennsylvania is a Jersey guy too!!! Insurrectionist garbage Doug Mastriano was registered to vote in NJ until last year! More: New Jersey Globe

Note nine: How much do we love the way Gavin Newsom trolls Red State governors while also trying to help the oppressed Americans stuck behind dumbfuck lines? More: Yahoo News

Note 10: Hey, so we meant to run this yesterday and it fell through the cracks. We’ve known for a long while now that Patagonia is just different than other companies. They actually give a shit. And this week they made that clear as a fucking bell.

Note 11: Btw, that last note wasn’t a paid advertisement, but if someone at Patagonia sees that and wants to send us some better sweaters, we wouldn’t object.

Note 12: Yesterday, NBA player Kyrie Irving tweeted out an old Alex Jones video. In case you’re not a sports fan, Kyrie is an idiot. More: The Daily Beast

Note 13: These Texas students are having to fight for a polling place. That state should really stop calling itself American. More: Bolts Mag

Note 14: This is so goddamn fucked up. The goddamn dictionary had to fucking close for five fucking days because of violent threats from some piece of shit who just couldn’t stand the way they wrote definitions for “woman” and “girl.” You can sure see why he’d have to look it up. More: Independent

Note 15: As Michigan Republicans go full-on homophobic asshole, Mayor Pete is clapping back for all of us. More:

Note 16: The FBI, which Republicans are trying to dismantle, arrested someone for sending bomb threats to fucking children’s hospital yesterday. A bunch of online right-wing trash has been targeting this hospital for an anti-trans campaign, and they are such good Christians they are apparently FINE WITH SOMEONE CALLING IN A FUCKING BOMB THREAT TO A FUCKING CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL. More: Boston Globe

Note 17: Fani Willis is sure getting our hopes up. But, Fani, we’ve been hurt before. More: Washington Post

Note 18: Well this is insanely fucked up. Georgia Gov. Brain Kemp was caught on tape saying he’d be open to banning contraception. We didn’t need to tell you this, but please support Stacey Abrams. More: Jezebel

Note 19: Ok, let’s end the notes on a really cool one…

Note 20: Alrighty, you gorgeous mofos, let’s go do some news and then go do a weekend. We hope y’all had a good week, and we’re excited to see you back here Monday. Love y’all!

Loose Cannon

So Trump’s judge is just as dumb and corrupt as we all thought. Dumbshit Aileen Cannon gave Trump just about everything he wanted yesterday, making a mockery of the law and essentially preventing Trump from being indicted before the midterm elections. Pretty much every lawyer on the planet is talking about what a joke this is, so maybe we need everyone in our party to see that the judiciary has been broken and needs to be fixed. More: CNN

Real Christian vibes

So we forgot who said this but yesterday was like watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. DeSantis and his thug friends thought they’d really own the libs by kidnapping a bunch of Venezuelans and shipping them to Martha’s Vineyard in the middle of the night. But then the Grinch was sad because all the Whos of Whoville weren’t deranged fucking assholes so they welcomed the Venezuelans and helped them and the Grinch was mad that the Whos weren’t upset. The lesson here is that people with Christian in their twitter bio usually aren’t, and Ron DeSantis can go fuck himself. More: CNN

Damnit

So yesterday Sen. Tammy Baldwin and UGH Kyrsten Sinema announced that they are delaying a vote in the Senate on protecting same-sex marriage until after the election because they think they’ll get 10 Republican votes then. GODDAMNIT. Um no, Republicans will still be lying hateful scum after the election, and if god forbid they win the Senate then they’ll be emboldened lying hateful scum. We get that they’re trying to actually protect families and not just create an election issue, but trusting Susan Collins is naive to the point of stupid. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Just hours after a Montana judge blocked health officials from enforcing a state rule that would prevent transgender people from changing the gender on their birth certificate, the Republican-run state on Thursday said it would defy the order. More: Huff Post

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.