Today's Big Stuff 9.14.22

9.14.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 55 days until the midterm elections. The Republican candidates who support Lindsey’s national abortion ban, the Durham investigation winds down as the joke that it is and primary season is finally over.

Be advised: This newsletter uses language that is not suitable for any audience unless they’re cool and not a fuckin’ square.

Note: Hi, Sexy Patriots! How are you today? Oh good. We’re doing well too. In fact, we’re feeling downright freaking benevolent. We know that sometimes we can be a little immature or crass or even offensive. But when someone dies, we are reminded of our shared humanity and we seek to rise above our baser instincts and find some way to celebrate the deceased.

So here’s all the nice and positive shit we have to say about Ken Starr…

Note two: Well that was the shortest opening note ever. Oh well fuck that dude.

Note three: Did y’all see Lindsey Graham actually went through with that national abortion ban shit?! Yeah, apparently kissing orange ass kills brain cells. We’ve always known Lindsey is a pathetic ass-kissing shiteater, but we had no idea he was this goddamn dumb. LOL. On behalf of Democrats and decent people everywhere, thanks, Lindsey.

Note four: How’s your swear jar going? We’re keeping The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar going for the month of September, and once the month is over, we’re giving that money to a candidate or campaign that needs our help. Won’t you join us? Sorry. Won’t you fucking join us? Tomorrow we’ll be unveiling where we’re sending our #TBSwearJar money. Shoot us a note and tell us where yours is going.

Note five: Mike Flynn is one of the worst traitors in American history. He should be dying in prison. Instead he’s going to be a goddamn poll watcher. Florida, come back to the U.S. Hell, come back to reality. We miss you. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: Speaking of traitors, yesterday Trump called into a Jan. 6 terrorist rally outside the jail. Ashli Babbit’s mom raised a domestic terrorist who was killed while attacking the United States Capitol. We mean Ashli Babbit’s mom help up the phone on a microphone while Trump told the terrorists’ friends he was working to help them. As far as we know, there were no Marines standing behind Trump when he made the call so it’s totally cool.

Note seven: The FBI took Mike Lindell’s phone. He also claims they took an eight-foot tall purple hippopotamus into custody. Lindell would not describe his relationship to the hippopotamus, but he was heard yelling “they took my lavender hippo wife because the deep state hates the way I boogie.” We’ll get back to you if we figure out what any of this shit means. More: CNN

Note eight: We want to add two things to that last note. First, the hippo shit didn’t actually happen. It’s so insane that we have to clarify that, but you just never know with that piece of shit. Second, we spelled hippopotamus correctly without needing spellcheck, and we are super pleased with ourselves.

Note nine: Herschel Walker finally agreed to a single debate against Raphael Warnock. We’d tell him to wear a helmet, but it clearly hasn’t helped so far. Sorry. We’ve promised to not make fun of Walker as he clearly has brain damage and zero business running for office, but sometimes it slips out. More: AJC

Note 10: Wait. Russia has spent $300 million on candidates and campaigns outside of Russia? We’re beginning to think their obvious and repeated attacks on our democracy are not actually a hoax. More: CNN

Note 11: Remember when Brett Favre was in the movie “There’s Something About Mary” and Ben Stiller was like what are you doing here and Favre was like I’m in town to play the Dolphins you dumbass and then I’m gonna steal a shitload of money from the poorest people in my homestate. Well that’s when we knew he was a real fucking scumbag.

Note 12: Who y’all got in the WNBA finals? Aces are just too tough, right?

Note 13: West Virginia is Lindsey Graham country. Which is to say they voted to strip women of basic human rights yesterday with a near total abortion ban. More: WV Public

Note 14: Well, they found some of that voter fraud we’ve been hearing so much about. You’ll never guess which party the dirty bugger is in. More: Times Union

Note 15: That might be the first time we’ve ever said bugger in this newsletter. It feels weird.

Note 16: Democratic policies cut child poverty almost in half last year. Seems like people who claim to love Jesus and his teachings would be really fucking happy about that. More: CNN

Note 17: Oh btw Trump went full QAnon over on Truth Butthole again. But by last night the press were furious that Biden went to Delaware to vote. They’re not doing a good job. More: Independent

Note 18: The Fettermans are our new favorite couple this year.

Note 19: Did y’all see this trash in Michigan acting all scummy toward Secretary Pete, who wore the uniform for this country? On the one hand, we’re disgusted and pissed off. On the other hand, we’re glad these soulless shit-eating dirtbags keep showing the world that they are in fact soulless shit-eating dirtbags. More: WXYZ

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news. We love you, SPs. And we are endlessly grateful to you for joining us and reminding us that none of us are alone in being shocked and outraged by all this shit. Have a great day:)

Remember their names

Lindsey Graham’s little stunt yesterday very clearly spooked McConnell. This is why — Adam Laxalt is running for the Senate in Nevada, and he wants to go further than Lindsey Graham and ban all abortions at 13 weeks. In Arizona, Blake Masters, who just got busted scrubbing all the anti-choice pro-women-dying language from his website, says he supports Lindsey. Herschel Walker is also on board. And Dr. Oz offered a non-answer because he’s a gutless chickenshit fraud. So yeah, um, thanks again, Lindz. More: Washington Post

Sad trombone

It turns out the Deep State wasn’t out to get Trump. Shocking, right? It also turns out that we wasted millions of dollars allowing John Durham to search for something that Trump made up to cover up his betrayals of this nation. Well now that joke of an investigation is winding down and Durham didn’t find shit. Great job to both the Republican Party and the national press corps which treated this joke like it was serious. Just great work all around. More: New York Times

Phew

You know how in the Kentucky Derby they have to get all the horses in the gate before they can start the race and some horses don’t want to go in so it’s kinda chaos? Well that’s primary season, and that shit is finally over. Republicans finished the way they started — by nominating unelectable nutjobs who make our candidates look like sane statesmen and women. New Hampshire was the big one last night, and of course Republicans picked people who are crazier than a shithouse rat. More: CNN

Today’s clips

The issue of reproductive rights is said to be a priority for the White House, and Biden officials are said to be planning more action on the matter since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. Abortion rights and reproductive care were front and center at the White House during a Tuesday meeting with civil and reproductive rights leaders hosted by Vice President Kamala Harris. More: The Grio

Business and government officials are bracing for the possibility of a nationwide rail strike at the end of this week while talks carry on between the largest U.S. freight railroads and their unions. More: Huff Post

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