Today’s Big Stuff 9.13.22

Today’s Big Stuff 9.13.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 56 days until the midterm elections. Republicans announce their plans for a national abortion ban, it’s raining subpoenas in Trumpland and a White House celebration. 

Be advised: The dude who emailed yesterday asking us to cuss less is going to be very fucking disappointed today.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How’s your week going so far? Oh shit. Well we hope you’re able to trap it before it destroys your whole town. Us? We’re fucking swell. In fact, we’re better than fucking swell — We’ve been blessed by a shit-eating moron. Allow us to explain. 

We kept seeing all those deranged fucking lunatic spriritual advisers talking to these shithead Republicans, and we figured we’d give it a try. After all, those Republicans are dumber than dog shit and meaner than all hell, but somehow people still vote for them. So please say hello to Reverend Jerry “Snake Eyes” Taintsniffe. The “e,” much like his conscience,” is silent. This is our first session with him, but we wanted to invite y’all to join…

TBS: How’s it going, reverend?

JT: Boys, the Good Lord God Jesus H. QAnon says you need to write two checks — one to me and one to Trump!

TBS: Easy there, Jerry. We’re the cussing newsletter that rented your crooked ass for the afternoon.

JT: Oh fuck! You’re right. Damnit, fellas, I’m so sorry. What can I do for you? Speak in tongues? Handle a snake? Tell you a scumbag pig-fucking gameshow host is just like Jesus?

TBS: Ummm, no we’re good. Maybe just tell us what you tell Lindsey Graham so we can be immune to the whole world laughing at us like he seems to be.

JT: Well (chuckles) I just told him to announce that Republicans want a national abortion ban. 

TBS: Eight weeks before the election?! That’s idiotic!

JT: I was pretty fucked up when I said it. The lord wanted me to smoke crystal meth for like two weeks straight. 

TBS: Yikes. Well we think we’re gonna ask you to go now. 

JT: It’s cool. I gotta get to church if you know what I mean.

TBS: We don’t, and please don’t tell us.

Ok so that was disturbing and obviously we recorded that before Lindsey actually came out with Rev. Snake Eyes’s advice. But we still think it’s idiotic. 

Note two: LOL. Usually when we write something like that we take it as a sign to take a little vacation. But it’s only Tuesday so damn the torpedoes. Did y’all watch the Emmys last night? Did you see Sheryl Lee Ralph give the best acceptance speech in history? If you’re not watching Abbott Elementary, you’re missing out. 

Note three: We got new inflation numbers this morning. Let’s just put it this way — Fox is very happy. But since we’re not glue-sniffing dumbshits, we know inflation is a global problem and it’s a great thing that gas prices are down for like two months straight. More: HuffPost

Note four: How’s your #TBSwearJar going? Are you regretting the whole thing because you’re just now realizing how much you actually cuss? Yeah, we aren’t either. On Thursday, we’re gonna unveil who we’re sending our cussin’ money to. 

Note five: We don’t normally get this excited for awards shows, but last night’s Emmys were just that good.

Note six: Huge congrats to new Reps. Pat Ryan (NY) and Mary Peltola (Alaska)! They both won special elections in what is supposed to be a Republican year, so you know the pundits really hate them. More: Alaska Public

Note seven: So Geoffrey Berman is a real piece of work. Now he’s saying DOJ made his remove the connections between Trump and Michael Cohen in the charging documents but it’s no big deal. Well bull fucking shit! It’s a huge deal! The Senate has announced it will investigate, but still when is this asshole getting arrested? More: Newsweek

Note eight: Ron Johnson got richer because of China. Are we gonna beat this asshole or what? More: The Guardian

Note nine: The House Oversight Committee is asking the National Archives if Trump still has any of our stolen shit. We’re not sure Judge Shit-for-brains saw this coming. More: CNN

Note 10: This shit in Alabama is beyond the fucking pale. We talk about a war on women or what happens now that Roe has fallen, but the truth is that there are a lot of places in this country where women, especially Black women, have long been treated as second-class citizens. At best! This is some evil fucking bullshit, and we hope DOJ is paying attention. More: WSWS

Note 11: We don’t know if y’all stayed in and watched tennis last Friday night like we did, but American Francis Tiafoe is a star.

Note 12: Speaking of last Friday, Planned Parenthood leaders from 24 states met in California to strategize. Shit is scary and awful, but there are a lot of good people fighting back. More: ABC News

Note 13: The Russian war against Ukraine is not going great for Russia. Or for the dipshit treasonous Americans who think Putin is just dreamy. More: Washington Post

Note 14: So this is the second poll we’ve seen showing Biden’s job approval rising to 46 percent. Dark Brandon will see you now. More: Investors

Note 15: We also love Jennifer Coolidge, and we are so very happy to see her win an Emmy. She was outstanding in White Lotus. But honestly, when she says “Thank God for model trains” in “A Mighty Wind,” we spit out whatever we’re drinking every goddamn time.

Note 16: Thank you to Sean Hannity for this handy list of investigations against Trump. Just need to add some Benny Hill music and whatever new investigations have popped up this morning.

Note 17: Biden’s remarks on cancer yesterday were very moving. But he ain’t the Queen, so you probably didn’t see it on tv. More: NPR

Note 18: Oof. It’s kinda reassuring to know that the New York Times hates its own employees as much as it seems to hate its readers. More: BNN Bloomberg

Note 19: The Jan. 6 committee is meeting today to decide whether to issue subpoenas to Pence and Trump. Pence is talking in a new book, so he shouldn’t have any trouble talking to Congress. The next hearing is scheduled for Sept. 28. More: CNN

Note 20: Yesterday the Senate confirmed Joe Biden’s 80th judge. This is more than Trump. Good work, Leader Schumer. 

Note 21: RIP Jean-Luc Godard. What? We can be fancy too.

Note 22: Alrighty, SPs, we’ve gone note crazy today. We hope y’all are having a kick-ass week! We love you, and we’ll see you tomorrow.

LOLOL

So like we said in the opening note, Senate Republicans are going to propose a national abortion ban,and they’re going to make Lindsey Graham the face of it. Yeah, these dumbfucks went from scrubbing their websites to doubling down. Our take? Bring it on, fuckers. We’ve been telling Americans that Republicans wanted a national abortion ban, and now they’ve confirmed it. Tapper and Todd will probably fall for the 15-week nonsense, but women know better. A lot fucking better.

More: Axios

Woohoo!

It turns out that Donald Trump actually did a shit job draining the swamp. Yesterday we learned that DOJ has issued about 40 subpoenas to Trump’s top aides. They also seized two phones, one of which belongs to that asshole Boris. Well fuck Boris. 

More: ABC News

Party time

Ok so we’re saving the big party for if/when we defy history in November. But today the White House is hosting a little shindig to celebrate passage of the IRA and all that it will mean for American families. It really is a big fucking deal, and we’re damn proud of Brandon and the White House for somehow getting this shit across the finish line.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden on Monday warned the remaining two years of his presidency will be tough if the Republican Party wins control of Congress in November’s midterm elections. More: HuffPost

The Justice Department said Monday that it was willing to accept one of Donald Trump’s picks for an independent arbiter to review documents seized during an FBI search of the former president’s Florida home last month. More: HuffPost

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