Today's Big Stuff 9.12.22

9.12.22

It’s Monday. There are 57 days until the midterm elections. We’ve got a date for the next Jan. 6 hearing, Biden visits Boston to talk curing cancer and the economy is getting too good for Republicans to run against.

Be advised: This newsletter spent the weekend practicing its cussing and got pretty fuckin’ good at it.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed you! How the holy hell are your fine asses this Monday? That good, huh? Us too. That’s why we were gonna ease into this week with some lighthearted jokes about The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar (or #TBSwearJar). And then this assface went and pissed us off…

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck that asshole. Oh it’s a mistake to question the legitimacy of the court? The only mistake we see is the result of your scumbag daddy trying to use a Laffy Taffy wrapper and a rubber band as a condom. First of all, you gutless little weasel, everyone knows it’s Sam Alito’s court now so save that Chief Justice act for when you’re standing in the mirror in your robe and trying not to cry and suck your thumb. Second of all, we don’t think the Supreme Court is illegitimate — we fucking know it is.

Why do we think the Supreme Court is illegitimate and political? Because it fucking is. And lying about it and crying about it and just being an all-around delusional out-of-touch little shit about it just adds insult to injury.

But isn’t this just the most Republican shit ever? This fucking asshole votes to take away basic human rights from millions of Americans and then comes out here whining like his punk ass is the real victim. Well, Johnny D-Bag, allow us to disabuse you of that notion, you miserable fucking pud.

And just in case that wimpy little shit doesn’t read TBS, let’s make sure to send him a message this November that he can’t ignore.

Note two: The nerve of that sonofabitch. Goddamnit. Got us all worked up and the week’s just starting. Guess we better stay this way for the next 57 days.

Note three: Speaking of the TBS Swear Jar, are y’all cussing for democracy? The #TBSwearJar is going through the month of September. Basically we started swear jars for the month and we’re going to give what we put in the jar to a candidate who needs our help. On Sept. 15, we’ll reveal where we’ve decided to send our cussin’ money. And we want to hear where you’re sending yours. We’re not gonna lie — this is costing us more than we planned, but keeping Marjorie Boebert Gaetz out of the majority is definitely worth it. But goddamn this is getting expensive. Here’s Adam’s swear jar. We can’t confirm that half of that haul if from cussing at Sam.

Note four: So we’re sorry we weren’t with y’all to commemorate Sept. 11, 2001. It’s probably for the best though. It’s a solemn day, and we would’ve used way too many eff-bombs talking about Trump and that horrible day. That fucking asshole lied about going down to Ground Zero to help. That kind of shit used to be disqualifying.

Note five: If you haven’t seen the news out of Ukraine, Ukraine is kicking Russia’s ass all over the place. This was what Zelensky told Putin over the weekend. And by Putin, we mean Tucker Carlson too.

Note six: And if we can add our two cents, Russia warship, go fuck yourself.

Note seven: This QAnon asshole in Michigan shot his wife and daughter before he was killed by police. Maybe if he’d done all this shit with some Marines standing behind him then CNN would give a fuck about the destructive cult eating away at our nation. More: Detroit News

Note eight: Y’all see Aaron Rogers suck yesterday? Yeah, they really shouldn’t have sent his wide receivers to the Joe Rogan School for Wide Receivers and Astronauts.

Note nine: By strengthening social safety nets, Democrats have lowered child poverty. We know it’s not as sexy or important as owning the libs, but it’s still a pretty cool thing for public officials to do. More: New York Times

Note 10: We hate to use so many NYT stories because 1. They have a pay wall and 2. They shill for Trump, but these last two are important, including this one about how the fall of Roe is wrecking healthcare for women. More: New York Times

Note 11: Speaking of the New York Times, we won’t be sharing any of Maggie’s book here. We might’ve if she’d put it in the paper where she works instead of saving it for a book.

Note 12: “Don’t piss women off.” John Fetterman just gets it. More: CNN

Note 13: Hillary said over the weekend that Trump should be treated just like everyone else when it comes to the law. This shit shouldn’t be controversial, and she shouldn’t have to be the only one out there saying it. More: Rolling Stone

Note 14: This is fucking insane. This woman yelled at the police during a rally and got sentenced to four years in jail. Seriously what fucking country is this?! More: CNN

Note 15: Andy Beshear has done a fantastic job as governor of Kentucky. And even the Trump-humpers see it. More: Associated Press

Note 16: Stacey Abrams has some cool friends. Of course they get a lot cooler because they’re friends with her.

Note 17: Customs and Border Patrol is a lawless out of control organization with a shitload of guns. We know Biden is up against it here, but goddamn would we love to see him clean house. More: Axios

Note 18: Remember how every Sept. 11, Ari Fleischer would tweet all day about what it was like to be with Dubya that day? Well now that Ari is working for the Saudis, he’s decided to retire that self-serving shit. We just want to thank him for showing everyone what a soulless piece of shit he is. More: The Daily Beast

Note 19: So why do we think Trump flew to DC? Our official TBS guess is that his ass itched and it’s Kevin McCarthy’s job to scratch it. But we could be wrong.

Note 20: So Trump made another legal filing in the stolen docs case this morning. It’s all bullshit so unlike other news organizations, we’re not gonna pretend it’s real. NO LINK

Note 21: Alrighty, SPs, let’s do the news. We hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and we just know this is gonna be a kick ass week. Love y’all!

Ok fine

So Nate Cohn at the New York Times, the same guy who told us the new Georgia voting laws were no big deal, now ways polling in the states is broken and the leads we’re seeing from Democrats are probably a mirage. Normally we’d tell this asshole to eat shit and then go fuck himself, but screw it — every polling lead we see is a mirage. Thus, we have to work our asses off like the polls are super wrong. Fuck the messenger, but we’ll sure take that message. Thanks, Nate! More: New York Times

Good presidenting

Today, President Biden is spending the morning tweeting about his pornstar mistress and telling everyone that he’s their favorite president. Just kidding. He’s actually flown up to Boston to talk about doing more biomedical research and production here in the US and cutting cancer deaths in half over the next 25 years. Why Boston? It’s a nod to JFK and the moonshot. More: WCVB

Thanks Brandon

So remember when Republicans were running against supply chains and baby formula and gas prices and inflation? Well since Dark Brandon is actually solving a lot of that shit and gas prices have gone down 90 days in a row, Republicans are trying to find new shit to run on. So what’s their new strategy? Here’s a hint — it rhymes with racism.

Today’s clips

Election deniers and the U.S. politicians supporting them are weakening the nation’s reputation as a world leader in democracy and creating “very dangerous” threats to the country, Vice President Kamala Harris said in an interview that aired Sunday. More: Huff Post