Today's Big Stuff 9.1.22

9.1.22

It’s Thursday. There are 68 days until the midterm elections. Trump confesses again, Michigan Republicans tell voters to eat crap and getting ready for Dark Brandon after dark. 

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Sarah Palin loses — a whole fuckin’ lot.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s here! Today is the start of Sex Jar September! Wait. WHAT?! What the fuck is a sex jar? Nevermind. Don’t tell us. No, today is the start of The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar campaign (#TBSwearJar — Thanks, Tara!) Woo-fucking-hoo!

Thanks to the brilliant goddamn suggestion from super fucking awesome TBSer Linda G., beginning today, we will be putting money in a jar for every time we cuss and we’re asking you to do the same (we know everybody and their cousin is asking you for money these days, so if you want to sit this out, we totally get it). At the end of the month, we’ll take the money in the jar and give it to a campaign that needs our help. We figured on the 15th, we could announce where we’re sending our money. 

If you’ve made a jar, send us a pic (we’re so fucking behind on emails right now and we feel like shit about it) and we’ll show it here on TBS. And to kick things off, we figured we’d talk more about Palin…

What a fucking moron. Seriously, it’s like the dumbest fucking dumbfuck in the history of the fucking universe shat out a dumbfuck celestial baby who would forever be the fucking god of the dumbfucks and that baby dumbfuck god’s name is Sarah fucking Palin, a loser’s loser and a true American shithead. Also, congrats to new Rep. Mary Peltola, the first Alaska native to win a seat in Congress! 

Have a blessed day and a great September, everybody! 

Note two: Wow. That’s a quick $18 bucks. We’re counting “shat.” And just so you know we’re not full of shit, here’s Sam’s Moonlite BBQ jar, which already has a $20 in it. $18 for the intro and another $2 because he just wakes up like that. 

Note three: Republicans are going to sue to reverse Biden’s student loan forgiveness. Do they not know that America already hates them? From a human perspective, this is fucking evil. From a Democratic perspective, go ahead and make our goddamn day. More: Washington Post

Note four: House Oversight has reached a deal to get Trump’s financial records. They have to read them while they’re laid out on Trump’s ugly ass carpet. Just kidding. But also, at this point who gives a shit? More: CNN

Note five: Oh shit! It’s September, so you know what that means. “Do you remember?” 

Note six: Putin is refusing Gorbachev a state funeral and won’t go to any service. Weird. You’d think a genocidal maniac would have more class than that. More: CNN

Note seven: Twitter is testing out an edit button. We’re trying to delete the fact that they wanted to sell us all out to Elon fucking Musk. More: CNN

Note eight: Rick Scott and Mitch McConnell are fighting over how much their Senate candidates suck. Rick is arguing that the guys with Nazi fetishes and brain damage belong in the Senate, and Mitch seems concerned. This is fun. More: NBC News

Note nine: Speaking of McConnell, he’s been on his knees begging Peter Thiel to put more money into his Arizona pet. So far, Thiel has told the turtle no, but if we had to guess, he’ll show up with bags of money before it’s all said and done. More: Washington Post

Note 10: This don’t look like no fucking wave to us…

Note 11: While we were writing, the news broke that two of Trump’s White House lawyers (Cipollone and Philbin) are expected to appear before the D.C. Jan. 6 grand jury. Imagine a world where stealing classified documents from the United States was only a small part of your problems. Yikes! More: ABC News

Note 12: Remember how Ron Johnson said he only participated in the coup for a few seconds so it’s no big deal? Well he hired a fucking fake elector to work on his campaign. Fun fact — Mandela Barnes does not have any goddamn traitors working for him. More: NBC News

Note 13: Here’s Ron DeSantis having a 65-year-old man arrested as part of a campaign stunt. This is so fucked up. Where the fuck is the national media?! Oh right. More: The Guardian

Note 14: That is a gnarly fucking heatwave out there in Southern California. Y’all stay safe out there!

Note 15: This man should not have come for someone so much smarter than him. But it sure is fun to watch…

Note 16: If you’d like to help the people of Jackson, Miss., here’s a link to do so. And remember, they’re gerrymandered to hell and back so their evil scumfuck leaders aren’t necessarily their fault. More: CNN

Note 17: Y’all watch Serena last night? Just the greatest to ever fucking do it.

Note 18: While we’re talking sports, how freaking cool is this? 

Note 19: We don’t usually do two tweet notes in a row, but we wanted to show y’all what miserable fucking assholes Dr. Oz and his campaign team are.

Note 20: Ok, on that rather grotesque note, let’s do some news! We are so fucking excited for Swear Jar September we can’t stand it. We’re also pretty excited to play a shitload of Earth, Wind and Fire this month. Y’all have a great day!

Keep firing, asshole

Truth social is a fucking joke. But at least it gives the former president an outlet through which to confess his many crimes. Last night Trump made clear in a “Truth” that he very much stole and possessed those classified documents. Why would his dumb ass admit to such a thing? Because he was worried people would look at the picture of the docs and think he’s sloppy. And when Trump isn’t confessing, his lawyers are. Last night one of them went on Fox and said that visitors were in the same area as the stolen docs all the time. So yeah, keep talking, geniuses. More: Huff Post

Michigross

Despite getting almost a million fucking signatures to get an initative protecting abortion rights on the November ballot, organizers were told to fuck off yesterday. Yeah, two Republicans on the canvassing board made up a reason to keep the initiative off the ballot. It’s total bullshit and just how Republicans play now and they were rewarded with this AP story that makes it seem like a totally normal thing to happen. This will go to the state Supreme Court, but it’s straight up fucking bullshit and just more proof that Republicans are done with letting the people decide. More: Associated Press

Dark Brandon After Dark

Tonight President Joe Biden will deliver a crucial speech about the threats facing American democracy. We’ve already seen him call out Lindsey Graham and Jan. 6 truthers this week, and we knew he was just getting warmed up. This damn well could be the most important speech he ever gives, and we’ll be rooting for him. Go get ‘em, Joe. More: New York Times

Today’s clips

John Eastman, a key figure in the effort to block the certification of the 2020 Electoral College results, appeared before an Atlanta grand jury on Wednesday, his lawyers said. More: Huff Post

Several Fox News hosts, including Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson, are being deposed as part of the massive defamation lawsuit brought forward by Dominion Voting Systems against the right-wing network, court documents show. More: Huff Post

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.