Today's Big Stuff 8.3.22

8.3.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 97 days until the midterm elections. The Pentagon gets in on the Jan. 6 cover-up, Arizona Republicans nominate serial killers and Trump’s lawyer gets a grand jury subpoena.

Be advised: Is this a cussin’ newsletter? You bet your sweet fuckin’ ass it is.

Note: Are there any Sexy Patriots in the house today?! Well there you are! Welcome to the middle of a confounding week that has left us angry, optimistic, confused and a little hungry. But we’d like to help sort out of the confusion if we may. And then maybe a sandwich.

First of all, we never doubted Kansas for one second. Are you freaking kidding us, you gorgeous Jayhawks?! For those who ain’t seen it, Kansas voters overwhelmingly voted against an amendment to ban abortion rights. That earns a trademark TBS HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Now you’ll hear the a-holes and the haters poking holes in what this means. So allow us to tell you what it means — It’s fucking Kansas, y’all. Trump won there by like 15 points full-on pandemic (yeah we know) and just a couple short months before he violently tried to overthrow the government. It’s got some spectacular blue, but it’s still a pretty damn red state. And they were like no fucking thanks, Sam Alito, keep your bullshit away from us. Kansas, we love you. You’re looking all kinds of sexy patriotic. And we never doubted you for a second.

Similarly, we never once insulted Democratic hero Joe Manchin, and we resent the implication. Joe Manchin is the best person ever and it’s a dirty lie to say that we ever said bad things about him. When we told him to wear his own ass as a mask, an ass-mask if you will, we were doing it because we didn’t want him to catch covid. Thank you for allowing us to clarify.

Note two: We’re kidding. Joe Manchin is definitely fucking not the best person ever. In fact, as far as people go, he’s just moved out of the “sweaty hate dreams” category.

Note three: It’s almost here! The Great American Scream is this Friday at 1 pm ET. Are you ready to unleash years of stress, frustration and pissed-offedness? We are too!

You can signup up to participate in the Great American Scream here.

You can share the Great American Scream on twitter here.

Note four: Let’s go back to Kansas for a second. They sent a giant fuck you to Sam Alito and Mitch McConnell, and you can bet your ass Repbulicans are terrified this morning. Let’s keep them that way. More: CNN

Note five: We have an update on whether Arizona trash Kyrsten Sinema is going to fuck over the whole planet. She told CNN this morning she’s “taking my time.” So there you have it. What a great fucking system.

Note six: RIP to Vin Scully.

Note seven: In Michigan, Republicans nominated Trump’s lunatic for governor. They didn’t nominate the dude who was arrested for being a Jan. 6 asshole. He came in fourth. And says he won’t concede. More: Detroit News

Note eight: So we want to take a minute and thank Jon Stewart. That dude really did it. He didn’t do a photo-op. He was part of a fight. And he fought until he won. Thanks, Jon.

Note nine: Remember how Trump and Stephen Miller tore families apart because they had brown skin? Well Biden is reuniting them. You haven’t heard about it because our national media is more broken than our national politics. More: NBC News

Note 10: This is big. Today the president is signing an EO to protect women who travel for abortinos. We know after last night that this issue is motivating Americans like crazy. Good for Biden for leading on it. Even if he was a little slow out of the gate. More: CNN

Note 11: We don’t know what we love more — the lowest uninsured rate ever or the Obama-Biden bro-ship.

Note 12: Five former treasury secretaries are out with a letter supporting the Manchin-Schumer bill. A lot of smart people think this is a good idea. So expect Congress to fuck it up. More: Axios

Note 13: Just a reminder that Biden took out a super terrorist this week. More: CNN

Note 14: Susan Collins, Sinema, Lisa Murkowksi and Tim Kaine put out a bill that is supposed to protect abortion rights. But because it doesn’t none of the reproductive rights groups or Elizabeth Warren are supporting it. Great work, team. More: Salon

Note 15: Ron Johson is an asshole. And he seems to want every Wisconsin voter to know it. We really need to put Mandela Barnes in that seat.

Note 16: Just a quick btw about that burn-pit bill for our wounded veterans — 11 Republicans still voted against it. Our favorite? Captain Courageous Mittens Romney joining with Rand Paul to tell our vets to go fuck themselves. More: KUER

Note 17: Congrats to Jim Obergefell, who not only fought for marriage equality in this nation and won but who also won a Democratic primary for the state legislature in Ohio. Sure, he didn’t have an opponent, but we still love to see it. More: NBC News

Note 18: We don’t understand this new dumbshit country one bit. More: USA Today

Note 19: If you’ve been following the Alex Jones courtroom stuff, are you like us and about to lose your shit at what a miserable scumbag that guy is? More: CNN

Note 20: Even the most anti-Biden pundits are having to admit he’s on a roll…

Note 21: Alright, SPs, let’s go do the news section. If you live in Kansas, thank you for making our week. If you don’t, we still love you. Have a great, sexy day!

WTF

You know how DHS and the Secret Service wiped their phones from Jan. 6 and it’s a shocking cover-up that makes it really fucking clear that we can’t trust the department or the agency until we clean house? Well they did the same fucking shit at the Pentagon. This is a MASSIVE cover-up of a domestic terror attack on the United States launched by a sitting president. We’ve just about run out of words for how fucked up that is. More: CNN

Scare-izona

Not bad, right? Yes, we’re very proud of ourselves. We’re also crapping our pants over the freakshow slate of candidates that Arizona Republicans nominated. For the U.S. Senate, they picked Blake Masters, a man who wants to do away with “entitlement” programs and who loves to praise Nazis (true story). Then you have SOS candidate Mark Finchem, who is a no-good piece of shit insurrectionist who will not certify elections that Democrats win. And lastly, thanks to a late night ballot dump which we’re sure means fraud, Crazy Eyes Kari Lake will likely be the gubernatorial nominee. If even one of these fuckers gets in, we can kiss our democracy goodbye. More: Yahoo News

Loose Cips sink ships

Ok so that one is not as good. But you’ll still be happy to know that Trump White House counsel Pat Cippilone has received a subpoena from the D.C. grand jury investigating Jan. 6. This is big news. There are reports that he will try and fight it by claiming executive privilege, but that dog won’t hunt. It feels like prosecutors are closing in. It also feels like they’re racing against the clock. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Two Republicans in Arizona worried a plan by then-President Donald Trump’s lawyers to create a slate of fake electors to keep him in office would be “treasonous,” according to emails obtained by The New York Times. More: Huff Post

In between getting mercilessly dunked upon by his opponent, John Fetterman, Pennsylvania’s Republican candidate for Senate, Mehmet Oz, spends his time being extremely creepy to women. More: Jezebel

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