Today's Big Stuff 8.31.22

8.31.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 69 (nice) days until the midterm elections. Dark Brandon brings the thunder, South Carolina craps on women’s rights and DOJ drops a bomb.

Be advised: This newsletter has a potty mouth, which comes in handy when things are shitty.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Happy humping Hump Day! We hope this week ain’t been red ants in the underpants and that your picnic is all wine and fancy cheese. Also, WHY THE FUCK ISN’T IT A BIGGER DEAL THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS LASHING OUT AND HISSING AND SWIPING AT US WITH HIS CLAWS AND PISSING AND SHITTING HIMSELF LIKE A TRAPPED FUCKING RAT?!!!!

We’re so sorry to yell, Sexy Patriots, but that deranged motherfucker is squirreled up in some golf course quoting Q and threatening our elected leaders because the law finally fucking seems to be catching up to him. That seems like a pretty goddamn big news story to us.

Like we’re not imagining it, right? That’s some pretty fucked up shit, right? But when Joey Biden responds in even the kindest terms (semi-fascist), the pundits start howling. So basically you get a cycle like this…

Trump: Burn down the White House with everyone in it and Make America Great Again

Biden: He should not burn down the White House

Media: Biden pisses on Trump’s dreams

It’s a truly bizarre time to be alive. If any of y’all know how to make sense of that goofy shit, please do let us know. Because like Dolly Parton said in Steel Magnolias, “Oh Sammy’s so confused he don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.”

Note two: Tomorrow is the big day! Do you have your swear jar ready to rock? Yes tomorrow is Sept. 1 and that means we’re kicking off The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar campaign. Basically you get a swear jar and you decorate it (is it weird that we keep suggesting you decorate your swear jars?) and then every time you cuss over the month of September, you put a quarter or a dollar or a nickel or whatever in the jar. Then at the end of September, you give what’s in the jar to a campaign that needs your help. We were thinking maybe we could reveal where we’re sending our cuss money on like the 15th or something. Y’all in?

Note three: Also, did you see Trump ask “why are people so mean?” Our answer is simple — because we fucking hate you, Donnie. Any other questions, shithead?

Note four: When we’re overwhelmed thinking about the scary people, we see a story like this and inhale the hope. More: Bloomberg

Note five: We’re not gonna pretend to do a lengthy obti on Gorbachev, but he was part of ending the Cold War (for a while) and we really appreciated that because we didn’t want to get nuked when we were kids.

Note six: So this is pretty gosh darn fucking big. The Cook Political Report says that “GOP Control No Longer a Foregone Conclusion.” Goddamn right. More: Cook Political

Note seven: So Dr. Oz seems like real dick. Like not just a quack or a joke or a fraud. But also just a real asshole. More: The Hill

Note eight: Merrick Garland set some new restrictions for DOJ people and how they participate in politics. Probably smart. More: Axios

Note nine: We’re not linking to Politico, but they reported that the RNC is not paying Trump’s legal bills for the whole thing where he stole our nation’s secrets and did god knows what with them. Is it possible ol’ tangerine taint is really in trouble this time?

Note 10: This probably won’t go great.

Note 11: This is a fascinating story that reminds us that Trump rigged the fucking census and just straight up got away with it. More: Associated Press

Note 12: These silly scumbags really think they can fool us into thinking they don’t support taking away basic human rights from millions of women. Goddamn that’s insulting. More: CNN

Note 13: Have y’all seen that Trump groupie kid on twitter who thinks Kid Rock is the greatest musician of all time? Someone with taste that bad probably has human hair wallpaper.

Note 14: We don’t mind telling y’all that we’re excited for Hocus Pocus 2.

Note 15: Sometimes these days we move on from shocking news stories way too quickly so let’s do this one again — the former president of the United States spent yesterday putting out more than 65 messages including QAnon shit and violent threats against American officials. It’s pretty fucked up.

Note 16: This is the one.

Note 17: If you want to follow the deeply upsetting story about Jackon, Miss.’s water problems, we suggest mississippifreepress.org. More: Mississippi Free Press

Note 18: Holy freaking crap! As we were finishing up today’s notes we saw that the US has approved new Omicron booster shots. Hell yeah! Give us two!

Note 19: Oh wow. This just dropped too. Dr. Oz said he believes abortion is “still murder” even at the moment of conception. This dude really sucks. More: The Daily Beast

Note 20: Alrighty, you beautiful liberty lovers, let’s do some motherflipping news. Oops. We mean motherfucking. Come tomorrow that kind of non-cussing will cost some lucky campaign some money. We hope y’all are having an awesome week, and we’ll see you tomorrow:)

Oh hell yes

So we’ve reached the point where we hear the heavy music from Terminator 2 everytime we see Dark Brandon in his aviators now. Dude is bringing the light and the heat. Yesterday in Pennsylvania, President Biden took Republicans to task for their assault on the FBI, for their support of Jan. 6 terrorists over cops and even though he didn’t mention him by name or actually say this he said Lindsey Graham is a gutless little worm who shouldn’t be threatening the United States of America. The president is calling shit out that needs to be called out, and we are so fucking here for it. More: Huff Post

Goddamnit

Yesterday the South Carolina House voted to ban abortion, and now it heads to the Senate. They were going to push through the same kind of bill that Indiana and others have that doesn’t include an exemption for rape or incest but they hastily added those provisions. It’s almost like these dumbfucks are starting to figure it out it looks bad to make a child have their rapist’s baby. But we know it’s also about healthcare and freedom, and both of those things took a hit in South Carolina yesterday. More: Associated Press

Arrest that motherfucker

Late last night, DOJ filed its response to Trump’s bullshit request for a special master, and they brought napalm. The response lays out just how full of shit Trump is and makes clear that not only did he steal our shit but he tried to hide it and keep it when he got caught. The kicker is of course a photograph of some of the stolen shit spread out over a tacky hotel carpet. Thank goodness no blacklight was used. This should be it. Trump should be fucked. But you’ve still got the New York Times playing defense attorney so who knows? More: CNN

Today’s clips

U.S. life expectancy dropped for the second consecutive year in 2021, falling by nearly a year from 2020, according to a government report being released Wednesday. More: Huff Post

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