Today's Big Stuff 8.30.22

8.30.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 70(!) days until the midterm elections. Trump calls for a do-over, Biden prepares for primetime and hoping this is the end for Chuckulous Todd.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Lindsey Graham kisses ass — nonstop and with great passion.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Welcome to the weirdness. Yeah, we know what you’re thinking — but TBS, you’re so good looking and shit has been really fucking weird for a long goddamn time. Well, we can’t argue with you on either point. But today’s weird is gonna shock the shit out of you — we’re gonna help Ron Johnson.

Gasp! Heavens to Besty! Poor Ron! Seeing a sign like that must feel like getting beaten by the American flag and bear-sprayed by a Q-humping cousin-fucker. We are sending shitloads of thoughts and prayers to Russian RonJon as we speak. But we also wanted to help in other ways. We figured we could note the friendly nature of the graffito or suggest that perhaps someone with TBS-style spelling was merely offering him soup. But we figured what might be the most helpful is to show him what we would’ve written if we were the ones spray-painting his signs. Ahem…

1. Ron Johnson eats stanky goat nuts

2. Ron Johnson fucks stanky goats

3. Ron Johnson eats stanky goat shit and likes it

4. Ron Johson sux

The last none would probably fit the most, but that dude has stanky goat stuff written all over him. Well, that and treason. We hope today is a better day, Ron. And then we hope you eat shit and go fuck yourself.

Note two: Yes, stanky goat nuts made us laugh way harder than it should have.

Note three: Y’all ready to do some big-time cussin’ of your own? The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar is going live on Sept. 1. Basically the plan is y’all get a jar and make it look all pretty and then over the month of September, every time you cuss, you put some currency in the jar. Then, at the end of September, you give the contents of that cuss jar to a campaign that needs your help. Y’all ready to do some fucking good?

Note four: We really hesitated to link to this, but we wanted you to see the stupidest fucking news story ever written and demonstrate what absolute toilet water CNN has become. More: CNN

Note five: We really fucking don’t care. Do u?

Note six: Speaking of the Mar-a-Lago monsters, how are things going over on Truth Social this morning? Oh cool, just the former president of the United States posting a bunch of Q shit.

Note seven: If you pray, pray for Mississippi. And tell everyone that this is what happens when you put racist scumbag Republicans in charge of governing. More: Mississippi Free Press

Note eight: Wow! Look at Dark Brandon bringing more jobs and investment to the US. Trump told us to fucking boycott Firestone. More: Axios

Note nine: Hey, btw, if you’re scoring at home, here are the rules for politics — Republicans are allowed to call us socialists, communists, radicals and groomers, but we are not allowed to call them semi-fascist. Right?

Note 10: As excited as we are about the climate provisions in the IRA, all this flooding here and in places like Pakistan is sure a giant fucking wake-up call. More: CNN

Note 11: Blake Masters in Arizona has scrubbed his website of anti-abortion language and decided to make his campaign as racist as fucking possible. It really is a tough choice facing Arizona — a junior nazi or a goddamn astronaut. More: CNN

Note 12: So Trump’s super corrupt piece of shit traitor Secret Service buddy announced he’s retiring just in time to avoid testifying. What absolute horseshit. This motherfucker called Cassidy Hutchinson a liar and then ran and hid. And NBCNews helped him do it. More: CNN

Note 13: Remember how Ron DeSantis arrested a bunch of Floridians for voter fraud even though the state of Florida told them they could vote? Remember how every news organization pretended like it was a legitimate law enforcement exercise? More: Slate

Note 14: Holy shit! Tim Ryan put out his internal poll, and it shows him beating Juggling Doofus Vance (We still don’t know what JD stands for) 50/47. No wonder McConnell filled his underoos with turtle shit.

Note 15: Hey, Pennsylvania, don’t vote for the Confederate guy. JFC what year is it? More: Axios

Note 16: Anyone else get emotional watching Serena yesterday? The best to ever do it…

Note 17: A new Taylor Swift album in October? Yes please and thank you very much.

Note 18: Thank you to Karine Jean-Pierre for accurately drawing a line between Biden’s semi-fascist remark and Lindsey Graham threatening the American people. More: Huff Post

Note 19: We honestly don’t know what to make of this story about Trump talking about having intel on French President Macron’s sex life. But we did delete the 500 word truly fucked up joke wrote about it in the opening note and replace it with that thing about RonJon and stanky goat nuts. More: Rolling Stone

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, that was a weird bunch of notes so campaign season must be upon us. Have you gotten your jar yet? We hope your week is off to a kick-ass start. We love y’all, and we’ll see you tomorrow.

Do-over!

Remember at the end of Trading Places when the Duke Brothers have lost everything and they’re screaming for the traders to “turn those machines back on?” Well even those crusty rich fuckers would tell Trump to have some goddamn dignity. Yesterday Trump put out a statement saying that the Hunter Biden story had been covered up so he was the rightful winner of an election from two years ago and that he should be reinstated while we hold a new election. Yes, this is the dumbest fucking shit we’ve seen from that asshole yet. And that motherfucker stared at an eclipse. More: Business Insider

Go Joe

Thursday night is a big one. Joe Biden will travel to Philly to give a speech near Independence Hall about “the continued battle for the soul of our nation.” Thank goodness. Because our soul is being held together by duct tape and hope. More: CNN

Please please please

According to the Daily Beast, NBC is not happy with the embarrassing incompetence and cowardice of Chuckulous Todd. Yeah, Meet the Press has become a total joke and it only took NBC years to figure that out. Word is that Kristen Welker is being eyed as a replacement. Keep your fingers crossed, y’all. More: The Daily Beast

Today’s clips

The federal government is ending its free at-home Covid-19 test program this week, citing a lack of funding and efforts to preserve supply ahead of an anticipated fall surge in cases, a White House official told CNN on Sunday. More: CNN

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