Today's Big Stuff 8.29.22

8.29.22

It’s Monday. There are 71 days until the midterm elections. Biden puts up a nice new number, Trump calls on the FBI to rise up and the student loan move was pretty popular.

Be advised: This newsletter is in a war for democracy, and it’s about to drop some f-bombs. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are ya? Did you have a great weekend? We figured you did because you somehow took your sexy patriotism and turned it up to 11. Us? We’re good actually that’s not true we’re fucking livid and we’ve been trying to hold it together until we saw y’all today and we could just uncork a vintage cussin’ that only Sexy Patriots would appreciate. So here goes. But first, our inspiration…

Oh hell fucking no he did not just threaten us. Someone should tell this gutless ass-kissing fart-sniffing shit-eating little bee-yotch that it’ll be the coldest goddamn day in hell before we tremble before a cowardly sniveling little dingus like Lindsey fucking Graham. 

If only our friends in the Beltway press felt the same way. But what we’re seeing is trickle down pants-pissing. Yeah, it’s as gross and messy as it sounds. Basically, when law enforcement scares Trump, he pees himself. That pee then flows down onto Lindsey who also pees himself and his pee flows onto CNN and the New York Times who then pee themselves and try to splash it onto us. But we don’t pee ourselves. Usually. We’re all grown up and we aren’t fucking scared of gameshow hosts or their pets. 

No, Sexy Patriots all over this country stand up to cheap Republican thugs and their cheap threats. So while the Beltway crowd pisses themselves at the thought of holding Trump accountable, we’re all gonna do what we do best — get to work saving this country from the tyrants and the cowards. Y’all have a blessed day and watch out for the pants-pissers. 

Note two: Did y’all get your jar yet? Our dear reader Linda G. gave us the idea for a September Swear Jar that we’re calling The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar. Starting this Sept. 1, we’ll be putting a dollar in our jars for every cuss word we say, and then at the end of September, we’re giving the contents of our sexy jar to a candidate who needs our help. Y’all in?

Note three: Oh hey is this good because it seems good…

Note four: Over the weekend, Trump’s super corrupt judge in Florida said she was likely to give Trump a special master to go through the classified documents he stole from us. The notice from the court made no sense, much like the requests Trump made of the court, but the press just acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. Our take? This is some fucking bullshit, but Trump is still quite fucked. More: CNN

UPDATE: DOJ says its filter team is already done going through our shit that Trump stole. 

Note five: People in DC are starting to understand what we’ve known for a long time — the November elections ain’t happened yet and Kevn McCarthy sure as fuck ain’t speaker yet. We can do this, y’all. More: CNN

Note six: Republicans are removing anti-choice language from their campaign websites. This is how we know we’ve got those cruel and dirty fuckers on the run.

Note seven: This isn’t about politics, but doesn’t that dude just look like an asshole?

Note eight: Republicans are also scrambling on social security. They think we’re all idiots, and only Trump voters have proved them right. More: NBC News

Note nine: We honestly can’t think of a worse gig than being a teacher in Florida right now. Imagine getting paid like shit to have lil’ Dick DeSantis spying on you in case you accidentally use a rainbow sticker. More: Sun-Sentinel

Note 10: Michigan Republicans spent the weekend nominating more crazy to lead them. Remember last week when two dudes were convicted of conspiring to kidnap the governor? If you said yes you’re neither a Republican nor a reporter. More: CNN

Note 11: The reports on Truth Social are that it is a mid-summer diaper bin on fire. Shocker, right? So Trump put out a “Truth” over the weekend about how great things are going over there. He appears to have been lying. Also very shocking. More: Axios

Note 12: The US intelligence chief is going through the docs that Trump stole from us and doing a damage assessment. We sure hope she’ll look into all those spies and sources who were killed. Probably just a coincidence. More: CNN, New York Times

Note 13: OH SHIT! Y’all, Sam saw an early screening of this documentary and says it’s fucking mind-blowing. More: Variety

Note 14: Of all the weird shit that has happened since Trump came on the scene, watching the lead singer of Twisted Singer become a legit hero. 

Note 15: The Republican National Committee has fired Paris Dennard who was also fired from the McCain Institute at Arizona State University for sexual misconduct. It’s a shame there weren’t any red flags during the hiring process. More: CNN

Note 16: So we have some good news — we’re already winning in Ohio. What do we mean by that? Well, Mitch McConnell’s super PAC last week canceled ad buys in Arizona and Alask. Why? Because JD Vance sucks and needs a lot of help. Tim Ryan’s strength is forcing Mitch to play in Ohio, and that is already a win as far as we’re concerned. But also, let’s win this fucking seat. More: NBC News

Note 17: Big congrats from last week to Rhyne Howard, the WNBA rookie of the year and an all-around superstar. More: ESPN

Note 18: God bless this woman for standing up for other women who have to put up with endless goddamn bullshit.

Note 19: Alrighty, SPs, let’s do some news! We hope y’all have the most awesomest week. It’s the final week before the Labor Day kick-off that will have us all spriting to November. Try to squeeze in as much summer as you can because we’ve got a country to save. Love y’all!

45

For some reason we spent the last few years really hating that number. But now that’s where Biden’s approval rating is, we’re warming up to it. According to CBS, which sucks but we’ll use it for now, the president’s approval number is now up to 45 percent. Hell fucking yeah. Dark Brandon is getting shit done and the American people are taking notice. More: CBS News

Totally fucking normal

Trump spent the weekend on Truth Social calling for FBI agents to rise up against the agency. So the pundits who spent last week crying their fucking eyes out because Joe Biden called Republicans “semi-fascist” should dry their eyes, get a nickel and buy a fucking clue. Hey, reporters, how much longer are y’all gonna act like this crazy shit is just business as usual? More: MSN

To forgive is divine

So we have to admit, we weren’t sure what to think of Biden’s student loan moves at first. We really thought he’d just end up pissing everyone off. But then we saw people say the move would allow them to buy a home or start a family and we saw Republicans losing what was left of their shit and we decided hey this is pretty good policy. The American people think so too. That CBS poll shows overall 54/46 approval with overwhelmingly positive margins for Black and Latino respondents. Joe Biden helped non-Beltway people and the Beltway people are very confused. 

Today’s clips

Texas gubernatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke is postponing campaign events while he recovers from a bacterial infection that led to a hospitalization. More: Huff Post

The Fulton County District Attorney's office slammed GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham's "extreme position" to have his subpoena quashed, saying he should be required to testify before the special purpose grand jury investigating former President Donald Trump's efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election in Georgia, according to a new court filing. More: CNN

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