Today's Big Stuff 8.24.22

8.24.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 76 days until the midterm elections. Election night gives us a reason to hope, Biden moves on student loans and Trump’s lawyers don’t seem like very good lawyers.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Republicans lie — a shitload and without thinking twice about it.

Note: Well howdy, Sexy Patriots! How in the eff are y’all today. Yeah we know. Hell, we’ve always known. Y’all are smart, sexy, patriotic and have great taste in newsletters. And the emails we get from y’all are the gas that makes this car go. Especially when they include genius fucking ideas like the one we got the other days.

Longtime TBSer Linda G. (we’re using the AA style guide here) emailed us this week with an idea that made us crap out our faces like Giuliani — a swear jar fundraiser. Seriously how the fuck did we not think of this? Thanks for being brilliant, Linda!

The gist is this — Starting on Sept. 1, you start a swear jar in your home. Everytime you say a cuss word like shit or fuck or DeSantis, you put a nickel or a quarter or a dollar in that there jar. At the end of the month, you take what’s in that swear jar and you contribute it to a campaign that needs your help. We’re calling it “The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar.”

Now some legal stuff from two dudes who most definitely are not lawyers — we can’t coordinate or collect or direct the funds. Basically all we can do is make this shit fun and show you news stories that will help you fill up your jar. So show us your swear jar. If you want, decorate that shit, send us a pic and we’ll post it here to inspire others.

We straight up fucking hate money in politics as much as y’all do. It’s gross as all hell. But those sick twisted fuckers on the other side of this thing just got $1.6 billion to play with so we gotta fight fire with smaller amounts of fire.

So we want you to talk dirty. Cuss like a motherfucking sailor who just hit his motherfucking thumb with a motherfucking hammer.

Do it for fucking democracy. Do it for fucking America. Cuss to stop the crazy. Thank you, and have a blessed day.

Note two: If we could get Oz to do The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar, we’d probably double that $1.6 billion in like a week. That dude must say “fuck my life” the way the rest of us breathe.

Note three: Primaries sure are clarifying aren’t they? You look at some like Val Demings who is decent and good and strong and inspiring and then you look at someone like Matt Gaetz who shouldn’t be left alone with livestock. More: CNN

Note four: Y’all were really cool about us accidentally saying it was Monday yesterday. Way cooler than we would’ve been. If any newsletter ever tried to pin a second Monday on us, we’d cut that sonofabitch.

Note five: We do not pretend to understand New York politics. But that was some ugly shit, and hopefully we can move on.

Note six: Y’all want to see Ron DeSantis run like a cowardly hawleyshit? Just ask him about abortion.

Note seven: Yeah, we’re gonna say hawleyshit instead of chickenshit from now on because we like chicken and Josh Hawley is a gutless fucking ‘fraidy cat.

Note eight: Republicans nominated plenty of cray cray last night, but this country really dodged a goddamn bullet when it came to Laura Loomer. Even the shithouse rat thinks she’s a little out there. Phew. More: News Observer

Note nine: Seriously, Dr. Oz, how in the world can you take another two and a half months of this? More: Miami Herald

Note 10: This shit makes our blood boil. Not enough people are talking about the McConnell stooge who gave these cops a pass. And not enough people are talking about Breonna.

Note 11: Hell fucking yeah! The US is launching its largest security package yet for Ukraine. The world remains united behind Ukraine. Except the assholes who are rooting for Russai. But they’re assholes. What do you expect? Happy Indepence Day to one of the bravest peoples on the planet. Slava Ukraini. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Trump’s 2016 Alabama campaign co-chair has been arrested for sex abuse. It should be noted that we are not talking about Roy Moore. That’s a different Alabama Republican scumbag freakshow altogether. More: Business Insider

Note 13: How fucked up are Republicans that we had to clarify we were talking about a different Trump sex crime guy in Alabama?

Note 14: We’d tell Liddle Marco to have some self-respect but that ship really sailed when he changed his first name to Liddle. More: Huff Post

Note 15: Good lord. First Rubio begging and then this sad shit. We hate that Trump broke America. But it’s kinda fun seeing how he broke these assholes too. (Pssst Trump is probably extra mad because Elaine Chao testified before the Jan. 6 committee LOL!!!)

Note 16: Btw, we missed this story about the Colorado Republican who switched parties. Welcome to the club, bro, but you have to sit with the Never Trump guys until we know you’re cool. More: NBC News

Note 17: It really should be a way bigger fucking deal that these domestic terrorist shitheads wanted to kidnap the governor of Michigan. More: Huff Post

Note 18: Congratulations to Maxwell Frost, a progressive and a winner last night. He is 25 years old and likely headed to Congress after he gets done making us all feel like underachievers. More: ClickOrlanndo.com

Note 19: LOLOL. Luxury Yacht Scott. Amazing. Did we send this fucking guy in as a sleeper agent? More: Axios

Note 20: Alrighty, you beautiful freedom fighters, let’s do some news. We hope y’all are as excited about The Motherfucking TBS Swear Jar as we are. It’s gonna be a swearing September! Love y’all!

Winner winner chicken dinner

In the days leading up to the special election in New York’s 19th Congressional District, the Republican was leading every poll by at least eight points, and the press was writing off Democrats as usual. Then a funny thing happened — we won. Yeah, Pat Ryan ran on being pro-choice and anti-gun and it fucking worked. The pundits don’t know shit about shit. So let’s keep making them look like idiots.

Hmmmm

So today the president is expected to announce a move on student loans. We’re not completely sure what it is but what we’ve seen suggests it will forgive up to $10,000 for people making less than $125,000 a year. Republicans see this as a chance to get back in the game by attacking Biden for an “illegal” move that only helps rich people. Except rich people don’t have student loans. We’re taking a wait and see approach to what he does, but we hope he goes even higher than what’s been reported. More: USA Today

LOL

How dumb are Trump’s lawyers? Even a Trump judge couldn’t bail their asses out. After filing a ridiculous bullshit legal filing written with crayon and dog shit, Trump and his merry band of dumbfucks got a quick response from the judge they went shopping for and she basically said what the fuck are you morons doing in my living room? More: CNBC

Today’s clips

The Biden administration plans to offer updated versions of coronavirus boosters targeting highly transmissible omicron subvariants shortly after Labor Day, according to several media reports. More: Huff Post

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