Today's Big Stuff 8.23.22

8.23.22

It’s Monday. There are 77 days until the midterm elections. Brandon brought jobs back to America, DOJ issues more Jan. 6 subpoenas and Trump stole 300 classified documents from us.

Be advised: Our standards and decency department took the day off for the past 1,376 days. And it’s really fucking starting to show.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Did your week get off to a sexy start? Yeah, ours too. But they all do when you’re this hot. Hot Doc Dr. Tony Fauci knows what we’re talkin’ about. And today we’re talkin’ about him.

We had just hit send on yesterday’s edition when word went out that the good doctor is hanging it up this year. And of course five minutes later the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet announced they will launch investigations into him if they retake the House. Mr. Rogers said “look for the helpers.” Rand Paul said investigate their asses. That’s why Mr. Rogers welcomed you to the neighborhood and the neighborhood welcomed its foot to little Randy Paul’s narrow ass. Well at least one neighbor did anyway.

Yeah, that dude sure looks like a remorseless global serial killer who invented a deadly virus that he then pretended to try and contain. The truth is Dr. Fauci tried to save American lives and Republicans are against that. But that’s what real doctors do — they try and save lives. That’s why little Randy Paul doesn’t understand. He’s a pretend doctor who didn’t finish his undergrad and had to create his own licensing board. He’s also a gutless little shit who should be far more leery of men in Fauci’s demo. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that one of them royally fucked him up.

Anyway, we just wanted to say a quick thank you to Dr. Fauci. He sure fucking tried. It’s not his fault we’re a country that needs a cork on its fork. Good luck in your retirement, Doc! If that little weasel with the bad perm tries to fuck with you, just know we all got your back.

Note two: Yes, there was a “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” reference in there. Good catch!

Note three: Do you see what’s happening at CNN? Yeah, we do too. Do they think we’re all just so dumb that we won’t notice them going all Fox and shit?

Note four: The Biden administration is considering canceling up to $10,000 in student loans for people making less than $125,000 a year. Seems like a great way to really piss off everyone. More: CNN

Note five: We’re not gonna link to it, but did y’all see the video of Ron DeSantis pretending to be in Top Gun? We’re all gonna die, but at least we’ll die pointing and laughing at these fucking losers.

Note six: Also, will they let you in Top Gun if you stand like the stick up your ass has rockets attached to it?

Note seven: It’s Election Day! We’re really proud of ourselves for staying out of the primaries mostly and not pissing y’all off, but we obviously still hope you vote because Republicans don’t want you to.

Note eight: If you’re like us, you canceled your NYT subscription a long time ago. But we couldn’t find anyone else who matched this story about how Democrats brilliantly wrote the new climate bill to get around SCOTUS efforts to fuck with Congress’s abiliities to control greenhouse gasses. Don’t look now, y’all, but Democrats are in array. More: New York Times

Note nine: We’ve got a barn-burner in Texas. Rochelle Garza is in a close race with indicted AG and all-around crapbreath Ken Paxton. Let’s go, Rochelle! More: Dallas News

Note 10: One thing we missed recently is that a court ordered the release of the memo that Barr lied about and fed to shitty reporters like Peter Baker and NBC Ken. We’re sure they’ve spent the last few days apologizing and explaining why they helped Barr cover up crimes. More: Washington Post

Note 11: As the dark clouds of fascism gather over this country, there are Americans everywhere who are saying loudly fuck that shit.

Note 12: It might not seem like it, but this new study says America is getting way cooler. More: CNN

Note 13: This is fucking amazing. One of the kids that Rupert Murcoch had with that satanic pig is threatening to sue a small Australian news website, and the website told him to fucking bring it on. More: NPR

Note 14: While we were all laughing at the legal filing Trump wrote with crayon and dog shit, we weren’t noticing that the original magistrate reiterated that he found “probable cause” that crimes were committed. That’s probably why Trump went looking for a judge that doesn’t care about that shit. More: NBC News

Note 15: It is fucking insane how fast the midterms are getting here. Have you adopted a race as your own? We will soon announce a fundraising idea that one of you brilliant SPs suggested to us. So stay tuned.

Note 16: Oh hey this is nothing but just SYDNEY FUCKING POWELL AND THOSE FREAKS ACCESSED SENSITIVE INFORMATION ON VOTING MACHINES AND SHARED IT WITH PEOPLE CRAZIER AND DUMBER THAN THEM AND WHY THE FUCK ISN’T THIS A BIGGER DEAL?! More: Washington Post

Note 17: Since the Supreme Court declared that women in this country as second-class citizens, about 21 million women have lost access to abortion. Trigger laws mean that number is about to get even higher. More: Washington Post

Note 18: The scumbag governor of South Dakota “may” have acted inappropriately when she used her office to help her daughter. Oh she may have? More: Axios

Note 19: LOLOL. This one is to put a smile on your face. And someone tell that orange asshat that we’re happy to do his portrait and we won’t even charge $650,000. You ever see someone paint with poop? More: Business Insider

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, paint with poop seems like a good stopping point so let’s so some news. Shit is getting scary again. We’re winning and that really brings out the batshit crazy desperation of the dumb kids. So keep your head on a swivel and stay the hell away from Republicans. Love y’all!

Let’s go, Brandon

For like the past million election cycles, politicians have talked about bringing jobs back to the U.S. Except Joey Badass has actually fucking done it. About 350,000 jobs have come back to this country and we’re on pace for a record. Biden is the best jobs president we’ve ever had, and the orange-addicted mainstream media is just pretending not to see it. More: Wall Street Journal

C’mon, Merrick

DOJ has issued a subpoena for more Jan. 6 documents from the National Archives. Remember before we elected a fascist gameshow host and we never even thought about people stealing from the National Archives who weren’t Nicholas Cage? Anyway, these rats sure seem cornered. Get ‘em, Merrick. More: CNN

300

Yeah, so remember how we did a whole goddamn motherfucking presidential election about the smart lady’s emails? Well this is way fucking worse. Trump had 300 classified docs, including some in the shocking category of “Special Access Programs,” that belong to us and our national security. New CNN is already trying to clear his name, and we know a certain NYT reporter will tell us he just didn’t understand. But this is fucking criminal, and he damn well better be held accountable. More: MSNBC

Today’s clips

Twitter has major security problems that pose a threat to its own users' personal information, to company shareholders, to national security, and to democracy, according to an explosive whistleblower disclosure obtained exclusively by CNN and The Washington Post. More: CNN

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