Today's Big Stuff 8.22.22

8.22.22

It’s Monday. There are 78 days until the midterm elections. Another lowlife is apparently above the law, the Florida fascist has gotten downright terrifying and a big-time a-hole gets more money than god. 

Be advised: This newsletter ain’t cussed in three days. It’s about to make up for lost time.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Ok you gotta tell us the secret. How the hell did y’all get sexier and patrioticer while we were away? We were only gone three days! And while we did an absolutely shit job of unplugging like we always do when we try to rest and recharge, we have to say it’s still more relaxing to take a day off in Biden’s America than it was in Trumpland. And we’re not the only ones who think so…

Yeah, he’s inching up there. And honestly, things have felt pretty good these last few weeks. Like eerily fucking good. And we don’t know about y’all, but it’s freaking us the fuck out. Look, we’ve lived through the reign of a deranged gameshow host and a once-in-a-century pandemic (knock on wood), so forgive us if we get a little skeptical when the clouds part here on Elm Street. We know Freddy ain’t dead. 

The real tip-off came last week while we were away. A prophecy was foretold by the high tortoise…

Cool story. Tell it somewhere else, turtleman. You see, here’s the thing about Mitch McConnell — he’s a fucking liar. We don’t believe a goddamn word he says, so why would we believe this shit? Same for the polls. What fucking good has believing polls ever done us? No, we are inside of 80 fucking days between American and the United States of Marjorie Taylor Holy Fucking Shit and the only way to salvation is to work our fucking asses off to elect the good people to office. So let’s put our heads down and kick some ass this week. Have a blessed day. 

Note two: Did y’all see ol’ Mitchy is trying to rescue Jellybean Dingus Vance (we just assume that’s what J.D. stands for) with $28 million? We have to believe the people of Ohio would be pretty goddamn insulted to know that Mitch McConnell is trying to buy them. That’s one we can win, y’all. More: NBC News

Note three: Btw, this is who Jello Doodie-licker (maybe that’s what JD stands for) really is… More: Associated Press

Note four: If you haven’t seen RRR on Netflix, we highly recommend it. It’s long as hell but really a cinematic treat. Also, She-Hulk on Disney+ is pretty awesome. 

Note five: So we’re all waiting to see what the deal is with this affidavit. Actually, we already know that motherfucker is guilty as hell and everyone is just waiting to see if he fucking gets away with it again. More: The Guardian

Note six: “The GOP Turns Against the League of Women Voters.” That’s a real headline. Maybe it shouldn’t be so shocking since they turned against women a long time ago. Pro Publica

Note seven: Hey, BTW, last Friday we got unemployment rates for the states and 22 of ‘em have unemployment rates at or below 3 percent and 14 states have their lowest rates ever. That’s according to Brandon. The guy who did this shit. Let’s go. (We’re quoting the White House because the news media largely ignored it so they could get rolled by morons.) More: WhiteHouse.gov

Note eight: Speaking of President Joey Loads (We call him that because he’s getting loads of stuff done. No? Oh yeah, we hear it now. Yikes. Ok, we’ll go back to Joey Badass.) Speaking of President Joey Badass, he’s hosting a “United We Stand” Summit at the White House on Sept. 15. Gonna talk about “hate-fueled violence on our democracy.” Yeah, that seems timely. More: The Guardian

Note nine: We’ve been talking about the Senate a lot lately, but we can’t remember a time when state races were more important than they are now. Especially in places like Michigan where cruel insanity somehow got on the ballot…

Note 10: Fortunately, we have a team of all-stars ready to hold the line. Do we have their backs?

Note 11: Ron Johnson keeps talking shit about social security. While running for re-election. LOL. Please remember to support Mandela Barnes, the candidate in the race who is not shit-talking social security like an unstoppable goddamn moron. More: Daily Kos

Note 12: Hahahaha. These Republicans say they just don’t say Trump’s name on the campaign trail. Yeah, dudes, y’all are doing a great job of keeping your gutless toadying a big secret. (Whispers) Pssst we can all see you kissing orange ass. More: CNN

Note 13: Also, just in case you forgot, Republicans are racist assholes and they’re trying to cheat to win in states like Georgia. Because everybody knows that giving people food and water is how you get them to vote for you. Goddamn this is some fucking bullshit. More: Axios

Note 14: Oh dear lord this is too good. So Rick Scott, you know the Medicare fraud guy, is who Republicans put in charge of the Senate and they’re like hey Rick, where the fuck is our money and we’re like this is fucking hysterical. More: Washington Post

Note 15: So this is some really super duper fucked up shit for a school to say. Guess we’ll know where the students who went there were radicalized. More: NBC News

Note 16: Brain Stelter got canned and Margaret Sullivan wrote her last column for WaPo. Um, with Boehlert gone and now this, ain’t nobody watching the watchdogs. Scary shit, y’all.

Note 17: It’s just so sad when Trump attacks McConnell and his wife. Guess Mitch is the new Ted Cruz. Oh well. More: Yahoo News

Note 18: We’re not gonna share that horrifying video of cops beating that person in Arkansas, but here’s a story about what’s happening. More: Associated Press

Note 19: The losing losers in Kansas are also sore losers, so they just can’t take that they lost. Gosh, who does that sound like? More: KansasCity.com

Note 20: Alrighty, you gorgeous goddamn lovers of liberty, let’s do some news. We hope y’all had a great weekend, and we’re just tickled pink to be back with you. Have an awesome fucking week! 

FUUUUUUCK!!!

Welp, Slippery Lindsey Graham slipped away again. Or at least for now. Yeah, Trump’s White House pet got a couple of orange judges to hit pause on Lindsey’s grand jury testimony in Georgia. We have to be honest, we don’t know enough about law to tell you what this ruling means, but it fucking stinks because that dirty motherfucker needs to testify. This morning the lower court judge laid out a speedy schedule for hearings. Let’s hope this shit gets solved fast. More: CNN

Chilling

So here’s what Ron DeSantis has been up to — first he announced some arrests that his new election police force made and you can guess they weren’t in the fucking Villages. You can also guess it was only 20 fucking people out of 11 million. You can also guess that some were former felons who thought their voting rights were restored because the people of Florida voted to return voting rights to ex-felons only for DeSantis and the courts to put in place a poll tax that essentially overturned that initiative. Oh and he’s campaigning around the country for Jan. 6 turds and other scum. DeSantis is bad fucking news, and we need to be saying it. More: Inquirer.com, Washington Post

Gulp

Well this was some REALLY fucked up news to wake up to. Leonard Leo, the shit-eating monster who rigged our courts on behalf of the Federalist Society, has been given $1.6 BILLION to end our goddamn democracy. It’s from a single donor. Yes, this is extremely fucked up. Yes, it scares the shit out of us. And yes, it makes us want to fight back even harder against these corrupt fuckers. Tell Lenoard, he can kiss $1.6 billion worth of our asses. More: New York Times

Today’s clips

Russia has blamed an agent with the Ukrainian security service for a car bomb explosion that killed Darya Dugina, a Russian political commentator and daughter of prominent ultranationalist ideologue Alexander Dugin, according to Russian state news agency TASS. More: CNN

Extremist Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) snapped at a local reporter that he was only involved in Donald Trump’s Jan. 6 plot to overturn the presidential election with fake electors for a “couple of seconds.” More: Huff Post

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.