Today's Big Stuff 8.18.22

8.18.22

It’s Thursday. There are 82 days until the midterm elections. A bad day at the Trump Org, a Republican candidate calls for Merrick Garland’s assassination and the Secret Service has some explaining to do.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses a lot. Like we’re talkin’ a metric shit-ton of cussin’.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Actually, don’t answer that. We know how you are — Sexy as all hell and twice as Patriotic. We also know that y’all are nice as hell. Yesterday we asked if y’all would be cool with us taking Friday off, and we got so many nice emails about how we should relax and treat ourselves. Hell, one reader — a fella named Rudy G. — suggested we take the rest of the year off. Nice try, Poopface.

You’ll never convince us that man wasn’t shitting out of his forehead. That twisted cousin-fucker met with the Fulton County grand jury yesterday for six hours. We’re really hoping he was too drunk and too arrogant and too stupid to plead the fifth. Regardless, our advice to the treason crew is to stop fucking with Fani Willis, or you will find out what a bad idea that is.

Dayum. That peeled some paint off the walls. We were so burned by Mueller that it has been hard for us to love again — love the idea that justice might actually find Trump, we mean. But goddamnit if these cold old hearts aren’t starting to thaw.

Note two: Thanks again to everyone telling us to take tomorrow off. Y’all are seriously the fucking best, and we’ll miss you while we’re away. If a big orange indictment comes down, you can bet your hot asses you’ll be getting a special edition.

Note three: Btw, Trump is a fucking mess freaking out over Georgia. He put out a whatever the fuck he puts out these days last night about how Georgia shouldn’t hold him accountable because there are murders there. LOL. Ok, champ. More: Yahoo News

Note four: ABC News reports that Trump scum Kash Patel was telling people on his podcast he was going to publish classified documents. So maybe Trump should thank Kash for the FBI visit to Mar-a-Lago. More: ABC News

Note five: Oh and DOJ has subpoenaed White House documents, including for Trump’s schedule. Bet he’s crapping out of his face like ol’ Rudes. More: New York Times

Note six: Ok so we’re gonna show you this and ask you to forget it and just keep fighting like hell.

Note seven: Remember how decent people everywhere warned that anti-trans laws would be weaponized against innocent children by pathetic and overzealous sports parents? Well the decent people were right. More: Deseret News

Note eight: It’s Robert Redford’s birthday. Talk about a sexy patriot. Woof.

Note nine: While we were writing this, John Fetterman probably made “Dr.” Oz cry again. It’s getting kinda hard to watch except it’s not and it’s fucking hilarious. More: Penn Live

Note 10: This was the story that made our days. If you need us, we’ll be laughing at this miserable loser for the next couple hours.

Note 11: Today the New York Times has a story about the possible reasons Trump stole national security secrets. It’s a joke of a story, and this is as much as we’re gonna talk about it. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 12: This is good journalism about what a disgraceful waste of skin Louis Gohmert is. More: Texas Tribune

Note 13: The Republican Party really fucked up when they took away the basic human rights of millions. Goddamn we can’t wait to make ‘em eat it this November. More: NBC News

Note 14: We are REALLY pulling for this Democrat running in Alaska. More: The Hill

Note 15: Wouldn’t you love to hear a reporter ask a Republican point blank just how many gay kids they’re hoping will kill themselves? Make these miserable bigot shitheads own up to what they’re doing. More: ABC News

Note 16: It was so classy and totally in character for Joe Biden to call Liz Cheney after she lost her election. We’re not even gonna talk about how classless the lunatic scum who beat her has been. More: Bloomberg

Note 17: Trump endorsed some Democrats in New York. Treat it like everything else that dirty motherfucker does and just ignore the shit out of it. More: NY Daily News

Note 18: Who’s ready for football season? Well you’ll be happy to know the president of the United States has lowered the cost of chicken wings just for you. More:

Note 19: Thank you to Merrick Garland for going after Florida for their super racist voting policies. White DC pundits might not care that Ron DeSantis instituted a fucking poll tax, but a lot of us do. More: The Guardian

Note 20: Ok, SPs, to the news! We love y’all so very fucking much, and we hope y’all have an awesome fucking weekend. Thank you from the bottoms of our hearts for the extra day off. We promise to squander it. Have a blessed day!

Oh Allen

While we were writing this morning, the Trump Org was busy getting itself in deep shit. CFO Allen Weisselberg, who knows where Trump buried all the bodies that aren’t Ivana, pleaded guilty to a 15 year scheme to defraud. We think it’s absolute bullshit this fucker got a deal, but it does look like he’ll have to testify against the other Trump companies. Mostly we’re just out of patience and we need to see one of these assholes behind bars.

Seems like a cool guy

Carl Paladino might be the most deranged piece of shit running for Congress this year. And buddy, that is really saying something. Paladino has repeatedly called for Democrats to be killed, and so of course Elise Stefanik the Toilet Lady endorsed him. Well now Carl has called for the assassination of Merrick Garland. He says he was just being “facetious.” We say let a jury decide. More: Buffalo News

What the effing fuck?

It’s past time to clean house at the Secret Service. We now know that the agency knew of threats to Speaker Nancy Pelosi ahead of Jan. 6 but didn’t tell her security detail until after the attack. WHAT THE EFFING FUCK?! We need a reckoning, but unless we hold onto the House, this shit might get covered up forever. More: CNN

Today’s clips

NO CLIPS HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

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