Today's Big Stuff 8.17.22

8.17.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 83 days until the midterm elections. Rudy is having a bad day, the Republican Party is too crazy for the Cheneys and Trump can’t find a lawyer.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses about the news. Even when it’s good. We’re just like hey here’s some good fucking news.

Note: Sexy Patriots! This week is flying by! Remember during the Trump years when each week lasted four months? Can we please not go back to that shit? It was such an insane time. When we weren’t furious, we were terrified. And when we weren’t terrified, we were just confused how one the dumbest motherfuckers in history had positioned himself to make us feel so goddamn angry and afraid.

Y’all have heard the origin story of TBS many times. Started out for six people, created to make ourselves laugh and help us cope, continued and grew because it did the same for a lot of you SPs. And we’re leaving out the part where we got bit by a radioactive spider. But today, well, today we don’t have to cuss to cope or make ourselves laugh. Nope. Today we don’t even have to cuss at all.

(Don’t worry. We’re still gonna.)

Today’s opening Note is just a long wind-up and this simple tweet. Because there is still all kinds of scary shit going down, but baby, we’ve come a long way. Y’all have a blessed Wednesday, and enjoy this vibe…

Note two: How has Hollywood not made a buddy cop about these two yet? We’d watch the shit out of that movie.

Note three: Well, we fucked up good. We hate to admit it, but we really dropped the ball yesterday. Thanks to a couple of prominent Great American Screaming Sexy Patriots, we realized that when we rattled off a list of Senate candidates yesterday, we accidentally forgot Cheri Beasley in North Carolina who is a legit superstar. We feel like real dickheads about it. Sorry.

Note four: Would y’all be super pissed if we took Friday off? We’re just trying to squeeze the last few drops out of summer.

Note five: A Texas school district removed an adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank. We don’t even have a joke here. It’s just royally and insanely fucked up. More: CNN

Note six: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but it’s just too fun not to share with y’all right away. We’re positively fucking giddy.

Note seven: Our friend Bob Duff, who’s the Senate Majority Leader in Connecticut, wrote this oped about how Republicans are stressing us all out. More: CT Post

Note eight: Elon Musk went to a fundraiser with Kevin McCarthy yesterday while Liz Cheney yesterday. If you’re thinking about buying a Tesla, don’t. More: Bloomberg

Note nine: We’ve seen all the hysteria about Pence saying he might testify in front of the Jan. 6 committee. But we also read his full quotes and saw the same gutless chickenshit we’ve always seen. NO LINK

Note 10: Looks like Ron DeSantis fucked up. Or is it good to make lots and lots of enemies right before you run for president?

Note 11: WOW. Did you see those Republican polls showing Pennsylvania Democrats whooping that absolute dog shit out of the Keystone State crazies? Well we’re not gonna link to it because fuck the polls. (But keep up the good work!)

Note 12: Did y’all see the new Elivs movie? It’s pretty good, but it’s weird to watch a movie and think Tom Hanks was the wrong choice for something. How about the new League of Their Own show? We haven’t seen it yet, but we’re hearing good things.

Note 13: Maybe instead of repeating Trump’s daily bullshit lies, national political reporters could start asking some real questions about how Republicans are trying to get law enforcement officers killed.

Note 14: Planned Parenthood is planning to spend $50 million in these elections. SCOTUS fucked with the wrong people. More: Associated Press

Note 15: We’ll just admit it — we had no idea we could like Chuck Schumer this much.

Note 16: Saudi Arabia hates women, and nobody should be pretending otherwise. More: The Guardian

Note 17: That is also true of Florida. More: NBC News

Note 18: Margaret Sullivan is leaving the Washington Post. Honestly, our subscription money might be too. Thanks to Margaret for trying like hell to hold our political media to a higher standard. It ain’t her fault they refused.

Note 19: We saved this for the last note because it’s pretty much the greatest thing you’ll see today.

Note 20: Ok, SPs, on that awesome note, let’s go do some news. Let us know about Friday. In the meantime, have super duper fucking day:)

LOLOL

The devil went down to Georgia and is expected to plead the fifth repeatedly today. Yeah, we’re talking about notorious cousin-banger Rudy Giuliani, a man who pooped out his face and tried to overturn an election. We gleefully told y’all yesterday that ol’ Rudes has been informed that he is a target of the investigation. We hope he has a blast today. More: Associated Press

Bye Liz

Well the Republican Party is officially too batshit fucking crazy for the fucking Cheney family. Yesterday Wyoming votes picked Harriet Hageman, a Trump-humping lunatic, to replace Liz, who voted with Trump 93 percent of the time. Today Liz said she is thinking about a run for president. Ok whatever. But we do want to thank her for her role in trying to find justice for Jan. 6. That’s no small thing. More: USA Today

What a loser

Even though it has now been nine days since FBI agents searched Mar-a-Lago for stolen and highly classified documents, Trump is still having trouble finding a lawyer who isn’t a psycho moron. WaPo reports the only people representing him now are total clowns, which is pretty crazy because his last lawyers were Rudy and Jenna fucking Ellia. Oh well. Oh and Ellis has been ordered to testify in Georgia too. Smiley face emoji! More: Washington Post, Huff Post

Today’s clips

The Republican nominee for secretary of state in Arizona is a self-proclaimed member of the far-right extremist group the Oath Keepers who repeatedly shared anti-government conspiracies and posts about stockpiling ammunition on social media. More: CNN

Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) comfortably advanced in Tuesday’s all-party primary election, setting her up against three challengers in November ― including one backed by former President Donald Trump ― in her state’s new system of ranked-choice voting. More: Huff Post

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