Today’s Big Stuff 8.16.22

August 16, 2022

Today’s Big Stuff 8.16.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 84 days until the midterm elections. Rudy’s in deep doodie, it’s BFD Day and wondering why Trump is so focused on his passport(s).

Be advised: If this newsletter had a swear jar, it would drive a Bentley. If swear jars could drive and own automobiles. Fuck! You know what we mean.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Is your week off to a great start? Oh. Well club soda and fire will usually get that out. Us? We’re grrreat like Tony the Tiger if he was just a little sexier. Today we’d like to chat with you about the United States Senate. With Republicans having some money issues, our candidates have been on the air, theirs have not and so we’re getting polling that shows us with a real chance of winning or keeping some big seats.

But maybe more importantly than saving social security or even democracy are the laughs we have along the way. And we really have to thank Dr. Oz in New Jersey/Wyoming/Pennsylvania for being such a hilarious and endless joke. Like dude what the fuck are you even doing?

LOL. Bro! We’re like a week away from learning that out-of-touch d-bag gets Grey Poupon enemas. Yeah, they’re exactly as gross as they sound. Basically they squeeze a tiny hose up Scrooge McDork’s ass and then they just pump a whole bunch of the good kind of mustard right up there until he gets the ol’ dijon squirts. As a matter of fact, we decided to update the old commercial just for Doc Oz.

Rich asshole in a Rolls: “Pardon me, but would you have any Grey Poupon?”

Dr. Oz: Yep, I’m full of it. And I’m about to start Poupon it out.”

Well it made us laugh. Pick a Senate race and go all in. Maybe it’s John Fetterman. Maybe it’s Mandela Barnes. Maybe it’s Val Demmings or Mark Kelly or Raphael Warnock or Tim Ryan. They need your help. We have to save the Senate if we’re going to save this country.

Note two: While we do enjoy making fun of the scary loser Republican candidates, there’s nothing funny about Herschel Walker. Y’all know we will make fun of anything. Hell, we once did a note about how Mike Pence’s real name is Mouth Penis. But this motherfucker right here has brain damage and nobody should be making fun of him or trying to get his ass elected to the Senate.

Note three: Tonight Liz Cheney is going to lose her primary. We were gonna wax all poetic about courage and shit, but she’s still a Cheney and it just ain’t our style. Instead we’d just like to shout for the American public that LIZ FUCKING CHENEY ISN’T HARDCORE RIGHT-WING NUTJOB ENOUGH FOR THIS LUNATIC FUCKING PARTY. More: NPR

Note four: Ugh. FLOTUS has tested positive for COVID. Sending best wishes to DOCTOR Jill Biden and hoping for a speedy recovery. More: CNN

Note five: Btw, we really love our Senate candidates. It’s so nice to run cool normal people instead of neo-nazis who keep getting their dicks stuck in AR-15s.

Note six: The FDA has issued new rules allowing hearing aids to be sold over the counter. This is a big damn deal, and we’re thrilled to see it. More: Axios

Note seven: We never had nice notes like that when Trump was president. They were all just Holy fucking shit Trump says he night nuke LA and then hump the Statue of Liberty! Elections matter.

Note eight: Scotland has become the first country in the world to make period products free. Hell yeah, Scotland! If dudes got periods, they never would’ve charged in the first place. More: NY Times

Note nine: So some people think it’s a good think that the Manhattan DA is doing a plea deal with Trump’s CFO. The result will be Allen Weisselberger does about 100 days in jail. We say that’s bullshit, and Alvin Bragg is a fucking coward. More: NBC News

Note 10: Trump’s lawyers were copying sensitive information from voting machines in Georgia. Seriously why the fuck aren’t some of these people in jail already? More: CNN

Note 11: LOL. Want another Republican Senate candidate to laugh at and then defeat? Well here ya go…

Note 12: And while we’re LOLing, our ol’ buddy Devin Nunes is in the news for shitting his pants again. Oh, Devin, you truly are the fourth stooge. More: Reuters

Note 13: We don’t mind telling you that Kari Lake scares the living shit out of us. More: Mediaite

Note 14: Gosh, wherever did this deranged scumbag get the idea to threaten to kill FBI agents? We’re not in the national press so we can just say that Republicans are trying to get law enforcement officers killed in an effort to protect a pig-fucking gameshow host. More: Post Gazette

Note 15: Don Junior is not on cocaine. He is on super duper cocaine. (We decided not to link to a video of him because we love you and why the hell would we do that to you?)

Note 16: Did y’all see the Better Call Saul finale? We haven’t yet, but everyone says it’s mind-blowing. We don’t have a new show to recommend this week, but we are looking forward to She-Hulk on Disney+.

Note 17: Why is Biden on a winning streak? The shades, man. Nah we’re just kidding. It’s because he stayed focused while everyone else was tweeting. More: CNN

Note 18: The National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC), which is basically McConnell’s committee but being run by disaster Rick Scott, has canceled some fall ad spending in Pennsylvania, Arizona and Wisconsin. They’re hurting for money, but their super PACs will still come in and try and nuke our people. Still, it’s fun to see them struggle.

Note 19: This is fucking awesome and reason #97,074,474 we fucking love the NBA.

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, it’s news time! We hope your week is off to a kick-ass start. And if it’s not, we at least hope it’s going better than Dr. Oz’s is. LOL! What a fucking loser! Y’all have a blessed day.

Oh Rudy

The cousin-fucker is fucked, cuz. Y’all know this newsletter has a special disdain for America’s mayor and Borat’s mark. So we were so thrilled to learn yesterday that Rudy Giuliani aka Doodie Pooliani has been informed that he is a target of the Georgia investigation. Oh yeah, Rudes, that means you’re getting indicted, buddy. We actually reached Rudy for comment yesterday, but he might have already been drunk because all he said was “dolphin shittin’ me poopy pants.” What a great legal mind.

More: CNN

BFD Day

Today is the day that Joe Biden signs massive legislation that will cap the cost of prescription drugs for seniors on Medicare, take a giant step toward saving the planet, steady up Obamacare and tax the shit out of rich assholes. It’s honestly a great day and one we did not see coming at all this year. And the second Biden signs it, we can stop pretending to tolerate Manchin and Sinema’s corrupt asses.

Ketchup Warning

Trump has been losing his shit over on Truth Social. If he had any shit left to lose. Yeah, yesterday was all about his passports, which were accidentally taken and then returned. Trump then went public complaining about it making us all wonder where he was planning on going. More important, yesterday DOJ asked that the affidavit remained sealed because it contains secrets about highly classified information and it includes witnesses that Trump would very much like to threaten into not cooperating. We’ve got a hearing Thursday with the magistrate who Republicans keep attacking to decide if the affidavit is unsealed. It should be unsealed — just as soon as that dirty motherfucker is indicted.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is apologizing to actor and activist Sacheen Littlefeather for the abuse she endured after refusing Marlon Brando’s 1973 Oscar on his behalf. More: HuffPost

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.