Today's Big Stuff 8.15.22

8.15.22

It’s Monday. There are 85 days until the midterm election. Biden is gonna sign a BFD, Trump is in trouble we think and Lindsey Graham has a crappy morning.

Be advised: We didn’t cuss one time when we were away, so you’re about to see a fucking volcano. Ok the first part isn’t true, but the second part is.

Note: So did anything interesting happen while we were away? HFS, Sexy Patriots! Also, that’s a new thing. HFS = Holy Fucking Shit. We’ll still probably spell it out, but it’s good to have a shorthand for it. You know, because things suck and stuff. And honestly, we were saying HFS so much on our days off that we just had to abbreviate that shit.

Like HFS!!!! Anyway, we originally had this thing we did for today where we interviewed Ted Cruz’s tiny little johnson, but we figured that would be a super fucked up bummer way to start the week. Instead we’re just gonna say this — we’ve got 85 days to save this country from some of the worst goddamn people on the whole fucking planet. And we’ve got a great story and a great chance to do it.

Democrats are rebuilding roads and bridges, capping the cost of seniors’ drugs, taxing super rich assholes, killing al Qaeda fuckers, holidng Trump accountable and saving the whole motherfucking planet. Republicans are trying to kill FBI agents and democracy while running to be the QAnon Shaman’s lover. Y’all, that’s a sale we can make. So let’s do this shit. Love y’all!

Note two: Ok, so we feel pretty fucking awful that we were away for such a big couple of news days. So here’s the grotesque Ted Cruz bullshit that led us to interview his tiny little pecker and the “interview” we did after we saw it.

And here’s the interview…

TBS: So this is fucked up and gross.

Ted Cruz’s Tiny Pecker: Just like the guy I’m attached to!

TBS: Hey that’s pretty funny.

TCTP: You have to have a sense of humor when you’re a dick’s dick.

TBS: Yeah, that makes sense. So you don’t like him either?

TCTP: God no. Hate that motherfucker. It’s why we haven’t spoken in years.

TBS: Yikes. Did you at least get to go to Cancun.

TCTP: Yeah, but I had to go with a couple of nuts and two assholes.

TBS: Ok that’s funny. Take care, Ted Cruz’s Tiny Pecker.

Note three: We are definitely not going to link to it, but Trump told Fox that he has told DOJ he’ll do whatever he can to bring the temperature down in the country. Then he accused FBI agents of planting evidence on him. There did not appear to be any follow-up or non-softball questions asked. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note four: Just a heads up for the ass-licks at Fox News and in the rest of the Beltway media, there are crazy shitheads who go out and attack FBI offices because of Republican rhetoric. If you need help connecting the dots, just let us know and we’ll send over some crayons and a restaurant place mat. More: CNN

Note five: Here he is — the dumbest Republican sonofabitch you’ll see today. Or at least the first part of today.

Note six: Liz Cheney’s primary is this week. We’ve been glad to have her on our side for the Jan. 6 stuff, and we might even go as far as to call her courageous. But we really don’t wanna. So we’re just gonna move on. More: CNN

Note seven: Btw, this is what we’re running against this fall…

Note eight: And this is what that batshit crazy looks like when you put a lunatic face on it…

Note nine: RIP to Anne Heche. People forget what a huge deal it was when she came out. Sad news to see her pass. More: Rolling Stone

Note 10: It is the position of the Republican Party that they want to defund the FBI. That makes Republicans pro-terrorist. Let’s not be afraid to say it. More: Axios

Note 11: Remember when Fox News interviewed Trump in front of the Lincoln Memorial? Well they fucked up the floor and spent $150k on security. And all just to defile a national monument with bullshit. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Mar-a-Lago has never been a safe or secure place. Unless you’re a herpe. More: CNN

Note 13: It is beyond sick that so many kids are gonna go back to school hungry. We are a broken country. More: WSJ

Note 14: We’ll talk more about it in the news section, but damn there’s a lot of good shit in the IRA. More: Associated Press

Note 15: If you shop at Whole Foods, this is what you’re supporting…

Note 16: Well this is fucking gross. While Sinema was fighting for rich assholes during the IRA negotiations, those same rich assholes gave her $1 million. We’re glad she voted for this shit. We still can’t wait to help her primary opponent. More: Associated Press

Note 17: Josh Hawley is defending the DHS IG who covered up for the Secret Service wiping their phones. SO WHY THE FUCK DOES HE STILL HAVE A GODDAMN JOB?! More: Washington Post

Note 18: Wow. Can you imagine how awful it would be to live next door to Lauren Boebert and her super gross hubby? Well now you don’t have to imagine. More: Denver Post

Note 19: Wanna see Liddle Marco run like a Hawley?

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s do some news! We’re so glad to be back with you. Thanks for being cool with us taking a couple days off. We try to take off some Thursdays and Fridays instead of taking a whole week like we used to. There’s just too much going on to stay away. And plus, we miss your Sexy Patriotism when we’re gone too long. Have a kick-ass week, everybody!

BFD

So last week the House passed the Senate version of the Inflation Reduction Act and all we can say is HFS. This is a Big Fucking Deal, and we are so excited to see Joe Biden sign it. They said it couldn’t be done. Ok fine. We said it couldn’t be done. But this is a real accomplishment, and it’s worth celebrating. More: ABC News

Oops

So the big shit that we missed was all the fallout from the FBI searching Trump’s South Florida orgy palace for our national secrets. When we left, they were accusing the FBI of planting evidence. Some are still going with that route while others are going with Trump declassified everything in his head. It’s all bullshit, and the only people buying it think Marjorie Green is a hot genius or they work at the New York Times. Enough is enough. More: Huff Post

Testify!

A federal judge has ruled that gutless rat Lindsey Graham has to testify in front of a Georgia grand jury after the butt-kissing little weasel tried to help Trump get thousands of Black votes thrown out in the state. Graham, who spent last week decrying the lawlessness of the FBI, says he will appeal to the 11th Circuit. Gosh, Lindsey, what the fuck do you have to hide? More: Huff Post

Today’s clips

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) has called for the Espionage Act to be repealed just days after the Justice Department revealed that Donald Trump is under investigation for possibly violating the law. More: Huff Post

Famed author Salman Rushdie is recovering at a hospital after he was repeatedly stabbed on stage Friday in front of a New York audience in an attack that left him with severe injuries, his family said. More: CNN

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