Today's Big Stuff 7.7.22

7.7.22

It’s Thursday. There are 124 days until the midterm elections. Fani Willis says she’s not joking around, the Supreme Court is praying for you and we have got to get Britney Griner home. 

Be advised: This is a cussin’ newsletter that cusses and shit. 

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How in the world are you? Well, you smell like success, awesomeness and cotton candy. Us? We’re doing ok. We’ve had that dumfuck chimp look that Tucker Carlson always has this morning. Yeah, we’ve been trying to understand what the hell is going on over in England, and we are confused. Best we can tell, they told their Trump to eat shit and take a hike and he replied “them’s the breaks” which is actually a pretty good exit line. 

So our old landlords now need a new prime minister. And while we don’t really understand their politics — or ours for that matter — we thought we’d help. So here, ladies and gentleman, is the new British Prime Minster, Mikey “Dirty Balls” McShitbreath. 

Yikes. Guy seems like he’s got some real problems. So why would we suggest him as PM? Because that motherfucker clearly has nothing else going on. Like at all. So because we are a totally real news something, we went ahead and interviewed Prime Minister Dirty Balls McShitbreath. Here is that transcript:

TBS: So, um, you like flags?

DB: I guess. I literally just have nothing else going on. 

TBS: No family or friends?

DB: What the fuck do you think?

TBS: They left when they caught you trying to have sex with a Trump flag?

DB: Nailed it. 

TBS: So are we correct in describing you as a total loser?

DB: Total. 

TBS: Cool. You want to be Prime Minister?

DB: Sure. Can I bring my flags?

And so yeah, congrats British people on your new Prime Minister, Dirty Balls McShitbreath. He’s a pathetic freakshow, but so was your last guy. 

Note two: Thank goodness we can make fun of other country’s politics because our are so stable and holy shit there’s a new story about Herschel Walker’s secret kids! More: The Daily Beast

Note three: Btw, we have no idea what’s actually happening with Boris Johnson, but he admitted yesterday to meeting with a Russian spy in 2018 and that seems like a big fucking deal to us. More: The Guardian

Note four: Gas prices are dropping. Thanks, Brandon. More: CNBC

Note five: We were gonna save this to the end of the notes, but we are just too fucking excited to share it. Longtime TBSers know that there are few people in this world we enjoy making fun of as much as banger-of-blood-relatives Rudy Giuliani. So this was like our Christmas. 

Note six: We’re gonna use this note to watch that again because it just brought us so much goddamn joy. 

Note seven: That’s not the only good news we’ve got. Polls conducted after the Roe nightmare show a swing toward Democrats in the generic ballots and we’re actually looking really strong in Senate races. This shit ain’t over, y’all. We’re just getting warmed up. 

Note eight: The House has called for the heads of the gun manufacturers to come testify. Good. Thoughts and prayers and we hope they eat shit and go fuck themselves. More: Axios

Note nine: Republicans are straight up fucking monsters, and Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine is no exception. More: Cincinnati.com

Note 10: Seriously what the fuck is happening in Ohio? More: Ohio Capital Journal

Note 11: So this is some great news. That’s like three pieces of good news in today’s TBS and that might be a record. More: Bloomberg

Note 12: We’ll keep saying it — we love us some Joe Biden — but this is not fucking ok and there’s nothing wrong with calling this shit out. More: Huff Post

Note 13: Also, he needs to do something positive on weed. The president is getting crushed with key groups who would cheer him on if he did. More: NJ.com

Note 14: Wanna see some badass shit?

Note 15: Steve Bannon tells Joe Rogan and his “low-information voters” to fuck off. SCUMBAG FIGHT! More: Raw Story

Note 16: Can’t these assholes just raffle off a pie or a tv or some shit? More: NBC News

Note 17: Elon Musk is trying to populate the earth with a virgin dork army. And frankly, we’re terrified. More: CBS News

Note 18: Imagine how the press would react if a member of the Squad had put out a video calling a mass shooting a false flag operation. 

Note 19: The New York Times wrote about how the Republican Senate candidate in Arizona is a fucking Nazi and the headline said “The Strident Writings of a Young Blake Masters Dog His Senate Run.” What the fuck does strident mean? NO LINK

Note 20: Ok, you beautiful SPs, let’s get to the news! We hope this short week is treating you well. And if you’re feeling blue, just watch that dude yell at Rudy some more. We’ve already watched it more than the first season of Ted Lasso. We love y’all, and hope you have a great day. 

Don’t fuck with Fani

Fulton County DA Fani Willis made clear in an interview yesterday that she is not messing around, and she didn’t rule out a subpoena for Trump. Willis’s interview comes just after she issued subpoenas for a bunch of Trump scum including Rudy and Lindsey Graham. Lindsey, who was fucking chairman of the fucking Senate Judiciary Committee, is saying he will not cooperate and instead will fight the subpoena. Maybe some Washington reporters or Senate Democrats want to call out how fucked up that is. Or just keep giving him a pass because he’s such a cool fucking guy. More:

God help us (no, not that god)

Rolling Stone dropped a bombshell yesterday with a recording of one of those scary right-wing white Jesus people saying they pray with the goddamn Supreme Court justices who then rule to make American Bibleland from Fletch Two. As far as we know, not a single mainstream news organization followed up this reporting, and no one in Democratic leadership seized on it. We can’t be afraid to make the courts an issue. Fear is how we fucking got here in the first place. More: Rolling Stone

Bring her home

Today in a Russian courtroom, WNBA star Britney Griner pled guilty to the bullshit charges that piece of shit country put on her. There is speculation that the move will somewhat clear a path for a prisoner exchange and it likely resulted in a lighter sentence. President Biden and Vice President Harris met with Britney’s wife at the White House yesterday, and Biden was able to get a letter to Griner before her appearance this morning. We need to get this woman home. More: CNN

Today’s clips

A Georgia monument that drew curious visitors and was derided by a gubernatorial candidate as satanic was destroyed Wednesday after authorities said someone detonated an explosive device at the site. More: NBC News

Pat Cipollone, who served as White House counsel under former President Donald Trump, has reached an agreement to appear Friday before the House select committee investigating the Jan. 6 assault on the Capitol, two sources familiar with the matter tell CBS News. More: CBS News

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