Today's Big Stuff 7.6.22

7.6.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 125 days until the midterm elections. It’s getting real in Georgia, the vice president calls for an assault weapons ban and Biden goes to Ohio to talk pensions or something. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses obscene language like the word fuck. Here’s an example — we hope Mitch McConnell goes and fucks himself into outer space where an alien eats him and shits him out so he can float around the universe as space poop for the rest of his miserable existence.

Note: And we are back, Sexy Patriots! Goddamn we missed y’all! We were gonna start off by saying hey we hope y’all had a happy and restful Fourth of July but let’s just be honest and say we’re glad you’re reading this because it means you probably didn’t get shot between the hotdogs and the fireworks over the holiday weekend because this country has become a giant death monster’s butthole shitting mayhem and horror all over every last goddamn one of us. 

But we’ve got a plan! That’s right, we’re gonna out-crazy the fuckhead lunatics who are destroying us. 

We know what you’re thinking Adam and Sam, did you guys somehow get better looking over the holiday weekend and also how in the fudge are we supposed to out-crazy this freaking lunacy?

Yowzer. Ok, we admit it won’t be easy to out-crazy whatever the fuck that was. But you want to know something that’s even crazier than the river of whacky shit that just came out of that psycho’s mouth? The belief that we can determine our own destiny and character as a nation and the will to do so. 

That’s right, goddamnit! That is some truly crazy shit! Having faith in the future of this country despite all evidence that it is already lost? Fucking certifiable. But guess what, y’all — We’re just that fucking crazy. This is our goddamn country, and we can take it back from the people who drink their own piss because they think it cures communism and shingles and that’s exactly what the fuck we’re gonna do. Let’s get it! 

Note two: Did y’all see that Carlos Santana collapsed on stage last night? He seems to be ok, but he really gave us a scare. Be well, Carlos! More: CBS News

Note three: Are we stalling because we don’t want to talk about that little boy whose parents were murdered by a Trump-loving piece of shit sniper at a Fourth of July parade? Yeah, a little. More: CNN

Note four: Last night Tucker Carlson blamed women and weed for the mass killings. If there was a shred of truth to that, Sam would be Pol fucking Pot. NO LINK 

Note five: In Florida, teachers and students now have to take surveys about their political beliefs. If you receive one of these, please don’t see it as a shockingly anti-American invasion of your privacy. Instead just kindly fill out the survey and let the state know you’re a proud member of the DeSantis-Blows-Muddy-Hogs Party. More: Salon

Note six: We don’t know why it made it funnier to us to make the hogs that DeSantis blows muddy, but we just figure they would be. 

Note seven: Gosh, confidence in all our institutions is at rock bottom. Can’t imagine why. More: Gallup

Note eight: Americans are still behind the fight against Russia. Despite efforts by Marjorie Taylor Eww Gross to the contrary. More: Brookings

Note nine: Ok, Gov. Newsom, you definitely have our attention. We honestly didn’t even know Democrats were allowed to go on offense. Must be a new thing. More: People

Note 10: This guy who had sex with his cousin and tried to overthrow the country swears he’s actually a really good guy. God it’s like he’s on Hinge. 

Note 11: Glenn Youngkin wants to run for president. If you don’t know who that is, then just imagine Trump without the winning personality. More: Axios

Note 12: This is the kind of troll journalism we are so here for. More: The Daily Beast

Note 13: We have a date for the next hearing (July 12), and we learned that Sarah Matthews, a deputy press secretary for Trump, has been subpoenaed and will testify. More: NBC News

Note 14: Thank you to HuffPo’s Jennifer Bendery for always framing this shit the way it should be framed. If you’re on twitter, follow her at @jbendery. More: Huff Post

Note 15: DOJ finally got involved in protecting our elections by suing Arizona over its bullshit new laws. Tell us this tweet doesn’t read like a troll of Merrick Garland from our party’s top lawyer.

Note 16: The environment finally got some good news yesterday. Still a bummer that the Supreme Court killed the planet though. More: Washington Post

Note 17: The Fifth Circuit is hearing a case on DACA today. Expect them to be cruel and lawless, and then wonder just how cruel and lawless SCOTUS will be. More: WDSU

Note 18: Every time we start to talk about one of Trump’s truth whatever posts we stop because we honestly can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. We’re gonna assume the one we saw about sleeping with Ivanka was real. And real fucking gross.

Note 19: We think Joe Rogan is a piece of shit. We also think Donald Trump is a piece of shit. And we were a little surprised to learn that pieces of shit don’t always stick together. More: Rolling Stone

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s get our hot asses on over to the news! We know everything is royally fucked up right now, but we’ve still got each other and that’s a whole fucking lot. We love y’all, and we hope this short week is a good one. 

Oh hell yeah

The devil went down to Georgia, and Fani Willis subpoenaed his ass. Well, maybe not the devil, but the guys who kiss his ass. That’s right, our dear friends Doodie Pooliani and Lindsey Graham have received subpoenas from Willis, the Fulton County DA who isn’t afraid of Trump like so many cowards in D.C. are. Shit is getting real in the Peach State, and we’ve already got our popcorn. Have fun, Lindsey! More: USA Today

Yes ma’am

Reacting quickly to the latest tragedy, Vice President Kamala Harris visited Highland Park, Ill. last night and called for an assault weapons ban. We were good team players and cheered when Chris Murphy got the gun bill passed and signed. We’re always skeptical when McConnell allows something to pass, but this time we swallowed that skepticism. But damnit, y’all, we have got to stop making weapons of war easier to get than fucking birth control or the death will continue. More: WBUR

Damnit, Joe

We gave up hope long ago that Joe Biden would start cussing asshole Republicans like we do. But damnit man you have got to step it up. We know there’s a lot of Democratic infighting happening on the internet these days and most of it is people defending Biden vs. people furious he’s not showing more urgency. We get it, and we don’t want to make it worse. But the harsh reality is this — even though Biden doesn’t have a ton of legislative options because of shitty math, he and his administration were clearly caught off-guard and have responded weakly to something they knew was coming for weeks and to something that was going to send dread, anger and sorry through the whole damn party. We love us some Joe Biden, but he simply has to do better. And Mitch McConnell ain’t his fucking friend. More: CNN

Today’s clips

A defiant British Prime Minister Boris Johnson battled to stay in power Wednesday after the resignation of two top ministers and a slew of more junior officials, who said they could no longer serve under his scandal-tarred leadership. More: Huff Post

A New York judge fined the Trump Organization's former appraiser $10,000 a day after holding it in civil contempt for failing to comply with subpoenas from the New York attorney general's office. More: CNN

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