Today's Big Stuff 7.19.22

7.19.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 112 days until the midterm elections. Russian Republicans vote against a stronger NATO, Democrats look to put anti-American scumbags on defense and the White House considers declaring a climate emergency while the world burns.

Be advised: This newsletter uses obscene words to describe obscene people like the real shitheads in Washington.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots. Looks like we’ve found the culprit behind this devastating heat wave — your hot selves. And of course man-made planet-killing climate change. But hey, who cares about that when you’ve got a maserati and a yacht? Yeah, y’all know how much we hate to talk about Joe Manchin, and we’re not going to dwell on him a lot today. But there is something very important we need to clear up.

LOL. Ok, Joey Shitforbrains, let’s be real fucking clear about something — everybody hates you. We hate you so much for your stupidity and your corruption, that we channeled Dr. fucking Seuss just to make sure there is no confusion…

Joe Manchin can go fuck himself with a spoon.

He can go fuck himself on the moon.

Our planet is fucked while dumbshit says oh shucks

So fuck that asshat with a dip-doozily-shitoon.

And we REALLY mean that shit.

Note two: A dip-doozily-shitoon is made up gibberish, so please don’t spend any time trying to divine any meaning from it. Some things are just stupid. Like Joe Manchin.

Note three: Don’t forget, Sexy Patriots, that the Great American Scream is planned for Aug. 5. We have so far done no advertising or let any of our friends outside of y’all know about it, but we promise we’re going to pull all that together and make this scream, well, a scream.

Note four: One other programming note, we are going to be off this Friday. Sam has been doing a Planes, Trains and Automobiles thing and we just hit a logistical roadblock at the end of the week. We apologize in advance.

Note five: Speaking of shit timing, Jan. 6 committee chairman Rep. Bennie Thompson has fucking covid. But they’re saying Thursday’s primetime hearing is still a go. We hope the congressman recovers fast and well. More: CNN

Note six: They seated a jury in Steve Bannon’s trial, and his attorneys are once again trying to delay. Put that fucker in Rikers and see how long he wants to delay his trial. (Sorry, we’re normally pro-criminal justice reform. But we’d like to see that piece of shit in an iron mask.) More: CNN

Note seven: So a while back we promised to stop making fun of this disaster because he very clearly has brain damage and Republican monsters are just using him. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be positively scared shitless of him. Does he really think he was an FBI agent?

Note eight: Rep. Jody Hice received a subpoena in the Georgia investigation. They should also send him one just for being an asshole. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Fuck. We seriously can’t catch a goddamn break. Get well soon, Secretary Haaland. More: Washington Post

Note 10: Woohoo! This is awesome! Now can they have their basic human rights back?

Note 11: This week’s recommendation for a new show is The Loot, starring Maya Rudolph. Also, should we make this a regular thing where we recommend a new show every week?

Note 12: How about some good news for a change? Look at these fundraising numbers for Senate races. Is it possible we might pull off the plan to make Manchin and Sinema as irrelevant as they are awful?

Note 13: It turns out that the crew from the Colbert show weren’t actually terrorists and the people who said they were are trying to cover up an actual goddamn attack on the Capitol. More: Deadline

Note 14: Btw, Thursday’s hearing looks like it’s going to be fucking bonkers. More: CNN

Note 15: This is a trigger warning for the next note. If you’re sensitive to bright colors or strobe lights or billionaire douchebags who appear to live underground, then you should skip ahead to Note 17.

Note 16: OUR EYES! OH GOD OUR EYES! It’s like if a klan robe was skin.

Note 17: This must be our showbiz edition, but we wanted to say how sorry we are to see that Desus and The Kid Mero are splitting up. Those dudes are awesome. More: The Verge

Note 18: No two people have ever deserved each other more than Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul. In fact, we think they should get a place together. Preferably in Rand’s neighborhood. More: CNN

Note 19: Hey, Texas, quit electing psycho assholes. More: Chron.com

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s go do some news. But before we do, we want to tell you we love you and we hope you’re having an awesome week. And if you’re not, maybe this will help.

Usual suspects

Last night the House voted to support Finland and Sweden joining NATO. It was a landslide vote. But you’ll never guess who voted against it. Or actually yeah you totally will. Marjorie Taylor Gaetz sure do love them some Russians. Maybe we should work our asses off so those fucking traitors don’t get to lead any committees. More: The Hill

Let’s fucking go

You ever seen a baby pigeon? How about elected Democrats going on offense? Well it looks like we’re gonna get to see one of those this week when the House votes to codify to same-sex marriage and contraception. Senate Republicans are already confused and on defense. This is the shit we need to see. Those fuckers are taking our rights away, and we need our people to make them eat it. So let’s fucking go! More: NBC News

Planet Fire

So the White House is telling people that executive orders and a declaration that there is a climate emergency could come as soon as this week. Good news, right? Well, Politico, which we don’t ever link to, is reporting this morning that despite the bold headlines the White House is going for, they’re not actually going to do much because — wait for it — they don’t want to risk pissing off Joe Manchin. We don’t have anything positive to say at this point, so we’ll just move along. Goddamnit. More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

The front-runner in Arizona’s Republican primary for the U.S. Senate was slammed as a snake oil salesman by an old friend who was the best man at his wedding. More: Huff Post

President Joe Biden signed a new executive order Tuesday that senior administration officials say is meant to deter hostage taking and wrongful detentions around the world and strengthen efforts to bring unlawfully detained Americans home. More: CNN

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