Today's Big Stuff 6.6.22

6.6.22

It’s Monday. There are 155 days until the midterm elections. Still drinking Peter Navarro’s crazy tears, Elon tries to walk and ready for some hearings on the Republican coup.

Be advised: If cuss words were guns, this newsletter would be America.

Note: Well hi there, Sexy Patriots! Did you have a great weekend? Before you answer that, please remember the new American standard is that you had a great weekend if you weren’t caught in one of our many mass shootings. In fact, you’d think this is one area where we could really come together and agree maybe it’s time to do something. It’s not like some really divisive shit like a deadly virus or the concept of equality.

But no…

Yikes. So we’ve been kinda sorta joking when we said that the Republican Party was a great place for serial killers to hide out, but that ain’t really a joke anymore. The little blue pill quit working, and these sick motherfuckers want blood. As terrifying as it is to realize that almost half of Republicans believe that the ritual slaughter of our children is the price tag for muh freedom, it was the stuff in the poll that didn’t make the headlines that scared us even more.

72 percent said it’s ok to make a deal with the devil as long as that deal includes a free drink and an extra bucket of freedom

54 percent said it’s ok to have sex with a gun

17 percent were having sex with a gun while they answered the survey

8 percent shot off their peckers while having sex with a gun and answering a survey (All 8 percent blamed Biden)

44 percent said they have thought about eating another person before

19 percent already have and are still hungry

63 percent said it’s ok to destroy America to save America

72 percent said they would eat their own shit if Trump told them to

96 percent said they would eat Trump’s shit whether he asked them to or not

Ok so none of that shit was actually in there, but we’re guessing we’re not that far off and we needed something to fill the space after that real poll finding other than nervous laughter. Be careful out there, Sexy Patriots. Republicans are trying to kill us all. And that’s not hyperbole.

Note two: Don’t look at us like that. We’re always weird on Mondays.

Note three: Phew. So the Supreme Court didn’t take away a bunch of our rights today. So we can relax for another few days.

Note four: Tomorrow is an Election Day for some of y’all. Have you voted? If you live in LA, have you voted against Rick Caruso?

Note five: How evil is Ron DeSantis? He bullied the Special Olympics out of having a vaccine requirement. Yeah, he’s trying to kill Special Olympics athletes. Seems pretty goddamn fucked up to us. More: USA Today

Note six: Remember how Republicans and their buddies in the press threatened Democrats if they asked questions about Amy Coney Barrett being a religious nutjob? Yeah, guess we should’ve just called her a child porn supporter. More: The Guardian

Note seven: They’re not going to stop at Roe. More: Axios

Note eight: THIS MOTHERFUCKER SAID WHAT?!

Note nine: The new CNN is going to be more Republican. That’s probably why Ohio Republicans are passing laws that legalize molesting kids and Jake Tapper is busy yelling at Gina Raimondo that she should’ve been able to see the future. More: New York Times

Note 10: Holy shit. Once again, President Zelensky just blows our minds with his bravery. This is just like when Trump hid in his bunker because people were protesting outside the White House.

Note 11: There are rumors that Trump is going to announce his reelection bid on the Fourth of July. Good day for shit that blows up.

Note 12: Michigan Republicans tried to cheat and get on the ballot. Now they don’t have their preferred candidates. Sad face. More: NPR

Note 13: So we’re gonna find out this week what the compromise on guns looks like. From watching Chris Murphy talk, it sure looks like we’re gonna get a guns bill that doesn’t mention guns. We respect the senator and we know he’s sincere, but we fear he’s just allowed himself and his party to be jerked around while Republicans waited for the subject to change. More: CNN

Note 14: Tragically, mass shootings are common enough that the momentum for gun safety never really fades. Or at least it shouldn’t. More: Axios

Note 15: What the Texas police are doing in Uvalde to hide from accountability is really quite shocking. Almost as shocking as their incompetence and their cowardice. More: Texas Tribune

Note 16: So this weekend the Washington Post did stories about how Manchin blew up BBB over a press release and how Susan Collins is being tested as a moderate. We’re not linking to either story because they’re bullshit. Manchin blew up BBB because he’s a corrupt moron. Susan Collins is not a moderate. NO GODDAMN LINKS

Note 17: Y’all see this story about this deranged fuck who killed a judge and wanted to go after Gretchen Whitmer and Mitch McConnell too? More: CNN

Note 18: LOL. Trump is gonna have to answer questions under oath for like seven hours. LOL. More: Bloomberg Law

Note 19: Want to see a huge story that might not seem huge? More: WLRN

Note 20: Ok, you gorgeous SPs, let’s do the news. We hope y’all had a great weekend, and we just know this is gonna be a kick-ass week. Love y’all!

LOLOL

We were so bummed to not have a Saturday edition so we could make fun of Peter Navarro. Then we decided to do it anyway. Did y’all see Navarro having a fit because he got arrested like every other criminal in America? He really seemed genuinely shocked that there isn’t a Special White Man Treatment approach to arresting people like him. Fucking hilarious. What sure as fuck isn’t hilarious is that Merrick Garland decided not to charge Dan Scavino or Mark Meadows. Some people think this is because they’re working with DOJ. We wish we believed that. But it mostly just seems like Garland is a wimp. More: Associated Press

Shocker

Deranged sexual harrasser Elon Musk is threatening to pull out of the deal he made to buy twitter because he says the company hasn’t been up front about the amount of spam bots on the platform. The truth is that limp rocket man exposed himself as a right-wing scumbag and his Tesla value has dropped and he probably can’t afford Twitter anymore. Regardless of what happens, we do want to thank Elon for showing the world that he’s nothing more than some random Trump trash throwing a fit at a Wal-Mart. More: CNN

Let’s fucking go!!!!

Well, they’re finally here. We’re getting our first primetime Jan. 6 hearing this week, and we are more than ready for it. The pressure is on Democrats (and Liz Cheney) to not fuck this up. But in some ways, we’ve already lost. The press is referring to Trump’s “counter-programming” for the hearings, which used to be called a cover-up. A lot of people were hurt and some died because of what Trump did that day. This committee damn well better serve their memories well. Godspeed. More: CNN, Axios

Today’s clips

More than 82 million COVID vaccine doses went to waste in the U.S. from December 2020 until the middle of May, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, NBC News reported. More: Huff Post

A number of Tampa Bay Rays players decided not to wear rainbow-colored logos on their uniforms as part of the team’s annual “Pride Night” on Saturday that recognized the LGBTQ community. More: Huff Post

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