Today's Big Stuff 6.3.22

6.3.22

Happy Friday. There are 158 days until the midterm elections. Ron DeSantis is an actual damn monster, get ready for some Jan. 6 hearings (and some Trump BS) and Joe Biden is a big-time jobs president.

Be advised: This newsletter uses obscene language. But sometimes we say poop instead of shit because we’re classy.

Note: Well, we’ll be goddamned, Sexy Patriots. Here we are out of breath and barely making it to the end of another brutal week for the American experiment, and there you are looking sexy and patriotic as all get out. We don’t know how you do it. Especially with dumbshit dangerous motherfuckers like this out there walking around…

What a fucking scumbag. That guy has shoots-his-own-dick-off energy coming through the screen. And wouldn’t that be just terrible. But even as House Republicans turned yesterday’s House mark-up on gun legislation into a serial killer dance-off, this stupid sonofabitch still managed to stand out…

Boohoo. Poor Louis has a sad. What do we think, Sexy Patriots? Do we think he has a heart? LOL. No, no we do not. As a matter of fact, there’s a lot of basic parts of human and even non-human anatomy that we think D’ohmert ain’t got. We came up with a list. Enjoy.

Things Rep. Louis Gohmert does not have:

  • A heart

  • A working brain

  • A soul

  • Remnants of a soul

  • Even a speck of soul dust

  • A sign that says “A soul is supposed to go here”

  • Knowledge of what a soul is

  • A working anus (hence all the shit that comes out of his mouth)

  • (Insert your own joke about his fucked up shriveled tentacled demon genitals here; we just couldn’t bring ourselves to do it because we didn’t want to think about it long enough to come up with a joke)

  • A head that isn’t up his own ass

In short, fuck that piece of shit.

Note two: This is the kind of fire we love to see from Democrats. We always want to see more of it, but thank you, congressman.

Note three: A House panel is investigating why Saudi Arabia gave Jared Kushner $2 billion. It’s probably because he’s a corrupt traitor who’s willing to overlook a bonesaw murder, but we’re still glad they’re investigating. More: New York Times

Note four: Elon Musk really sucks at hiding what a scumbag he is. Today he says he’s feeling “super bad” about the economy, so he has to lay off 10 percent of Tesla’s staff. It’s probably not at all because he completely fucked up their stock by showing eveyone what a right-wing pig-fucking asshat he is. More: The Verge

Note five: The Republican Party is so afraid of Cheri Beasley in North Carolina that they’re running ads that were so dishonest they had to be pulled. More: CBS News

Note six: LOL. Paul Ryan said that a lot of Republicans wanted to impeach Trump but “just didn’t have the guts to do it.” LOL. Thank you, Mr. Guts. More: Business Insider

Note seven: Oh fuck yeah. Now this is the kind of news story we get out of bed for. It looks like New York prosecutors are getting closer to charging Steve Bannon over that wall shit he got a pardon for. More: Business Insider

Note eight: So we just want to say we thought President Biden was on point last night. He did what we wanted him to do. He was specific, and he asked for real meaningful change to stop the massacres. Thank you, Mr. President. More: Associated Press

Note nine: So Ohio Republicans want the government to look at your kid’s junk? Even for Republicans, this is next level fucked up.

Note 10: You remember how those cowardly incompetent Texas cops tried to blame a teacher for leaving a door open which she didn’t do? Well you won’t be surprised at all to learn that she’s been traumatized by the false charge. More: ABC News

Note 11: It’s pretty goddamn terrifying that the Proud Boys have basically taken over the Miami Republican Party. More: New York Times

Note 12: Hey, so we want you to brace yourselves for next week. We’re due to get some more Supreme Court opinions, and we wanted to give you a heads up.

Note 13: The guy Trump endorsed in Arizona praised the fucking unabomber. More: CNN

Note 14: Um wow. The lunatic Jan. 6er who Republicans nominated to be governor of Pennsylvania wants to force everyone to re-register to vote. We, um, really need to beat this guy. More: Associated Press

Note 15: There’s a report that Brittney Griner is able to receive letters and emails while she’s being held in Russia. It’s not her coming home, but we were pretty desperate for some good news here. More: ESPN

Note 16: The Georgia Secretary of State testified before that special Georgia grand jury. Hell yeah! Let’s go!!! More: NBC News

Note 17: Man, Chuck Grassley got two earfuls on guns at a townhall yesterday. Y’all know how sadly skeptical we are that anything will actually get passed, but maybe something is happening and people are finally sick of their kids getting shot.

Note 18: Bill Barr met with the Jan. 6 committee yesterday. We’re hoping that after he left he ate shit and then fucked off. More: CNN

Note 19: Do you happen to live in LA? Well if so, please vote against Rick Caruso. That dude is a fucking Republican pretending to be a Democrat.

Note 20: Ok, you beautiful beautiful beautiful Sexy Patriots, let’s get to the news and then let’s get to the weekend. We know this has been another shit-yourself scary kinda week. We hope y’all are holding up ok. We love you, and we’ll see you Monday.

JFC

Ron DeSantis wants to make clear to everyone that he is in fact a fascist asshole. First, he’s decided that Pride Month is the perfect time to continue his war against trans folks, asking the state medical board to “ban therapies for minors and to block medicaid payments for all transition-related care.” Yes, he is truly evil. And he wasn’t finished. He also vetoed money set aside for the Tampa Bay Rays because they tweeted about gun safety. He’s dangerous, and he’s out of control. More: The Hill

LFG!

Oh hell yeah. We’ve got a date for some primetime hearings about the violent Republican coup attempt against the United States. On June 9 at 8 pm ET, you can tune in to see House Democrats and two House Republicans break out some never before seen shit as they try to make the case that Trump is a criminal who tried to overthrow the government. Trump and Republicans are planning a full-scale PR counter-offensive. The stakes are high. Let’s hope Democrats — and the press — get this right. More: CNN

JOBS

Joe Biden is the jobs president. Today we got the May jobs report and it showed the U.S. economy added 390,000 jobs last month, which is the 17th straight month of gains. The unemployment rate stayed at 3.6 percent. Overall, we’ve recovered 96 percent(!) of the jobs we lost during the pandemic. The press wants to talk inflation, but this is a helluva story. More: CNN

Today’s clips

A trove of text messages obtained by CNN reveal that a number of Republicans were convinced that Donald Trump could immediately stop the violence at the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, but that the then-president failed to take any action for hours. More: Huff Post

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