Today's Big Stuff 6.29.22

6.29.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 132 days until the midterm elections. Bad news for Putin as NATO is growing, Ginni Thomas is a coward and a loon and wow that was an intense day of hearings.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses a lot. It’ll stop when everything stops being all fucked up.

Scream Update: We’ve received a great response to this, and we are trying to plan something that will go viral. The holiday weekend is messing with us a little bit so we’re gonna aim to announce a date when we get back. Thanks to everyone who reached out with encouragement.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Still being all sexy and patriotic we see. Someday you’ll have to tell us your secret and how you stay so sexy and patriotic while the world drowns in satan’s diarrhea. Nice image, right? Well, that’s not the only thing we need to apologize for. Yesterday was an Election Day, and we were so focused on other shit we didn’t even mention it. Sorry about that. But we did see some great losses last night…

Woohoo! Enjoy those indictments, champ. But it wasn’t all good news.

Remember that fella who worked at the cemetery they caught doing, you know, stuff to the bodies? Yeah, it was really a scandal around town. He was even pretty proud of it. He wore a t-shirt that said “It’s only hot when they’re cold” and he had a bumper sticker on a pimped out hearse that said “Is that rigor mortis or are you just happy to see me?” Yeah, he was a totally terrifying freakshow who was locked in a padded room. Until last night. Yeah, Nick “the Necrophiliac” Nutjobski is now the Republican nominee for attorney general in Illinois. He says he’s going to destroy the competition and then hump their corpses until the whole room is puking.

Ok, so that is obviously a made up person, but be honest — there was like a moment where you thought it could be real. And that, SPs, is how you know these motherfuckers have completely lost their shit and have to be fucking stopped. Because the goddamn necrophiliac guy we made up wouldn’t even be the craziest member of the caucus! Not as long as the lunatic who was so crazy some her toes ran away is still around. Anyway, y’all have a great day. More: CNN

Note two: You see that? That insanely fucked up first note is proof that we need a vacation. We can always tell because we get fucking weird even by our standards. And it doesn’t seem to just be us. We’ve heard from more people lately that they’re just hitting a wall. And we totally get it. So yeah, we’re gonna take Friday and Monday off and take some deep breaths and paint Sam Alito’s face onto the inside of our toilets. It’s important to have little projects around the house.

Note three: So we got a SCOTUS ruling today that fucked over Native Americans, but we’re still waiting for them to destroy the EPA and force immigrants to remain in Mexico. So expect that evil bullshit tomorrow. More: USA Today

Note four: How pissed off are Democrats about Roe? Well, last night in a special election in Nebraska, a Democrat damn near won in a district that overwhelmingly voted for Trump. Y’all, we’ve got a chance to win this November but only if our leaders lead on the issue. And so far, there just does not seem to be a desire to do that. More: Associated Press

Note five: Well, it seems the pat on the back that nearly killed famed cousin-fucker Rudy Giuliani was not enough to boost his idiot son’s campaign. And so just like the father, the son is now a complete fucking loser. He does have a bright future though winning Don Jr. look-alike contests. But god that really doesn’t seem like winning. More: NBC News

Note six: So basically Donald Trump was Peter Boyle as Young Frankenstein’s monster.

Note seven: Remember Trump scumbag Scott Pruitt who turned the EPA into his personal valet? Well he got his ass whooped up and down in a primary last night. At least he’ll have more time to suck. More: EE News

Note eight: Did we mention Andrew Giuliani lost and is a loser? A total fucking loser.

Note nine: We have not held a very high opinion of NYC Mayor Eric Adams. He kinda seems like a cop-humping doofus. But we do love that he wants the older Giuliani to be investigated for filing a false police report over his backslap. More: New York Times

Note 10: They’re going to use the bullshit reasoning they used for Roe to come after a lot of people. More: Axios

Note 11: Hillary called out Clarence Thomas. And she’s right (big surprise). Dude hates America and wants revenge against all of us. More: The Hill

Note 12: “Our own president betrayed us.” That is some fucking shocking shit to hear from a Capitol police sergeant. More: Huff Post

Note 13: Oh by the way we forgot to mention that our completely bullshit Supreme Court forced Louisiana to use congressional maps that get rid of a seat for Black voters. When it’s Democrats, this court says the election is too close to do anything. When its Republicans, this court wants to make sure it is hurting Black people. More: CNN

Note 14: There were people who described Melania as an unwilling victim in Trump’s madness. That was always bullshit. She is a trash birther, and we heard she likes the taste of pigeon shit.

Note 15: Btw, Grisham is trash too, and we’re never gonna forget it despite her conversion.

Note 16: Yesterday must have been a rough day for Trump. And we’re not talking about the hearings. More: CNN

Note 17: Mike Flynn was this nation’s National Security Adviser and a three-star general. When asked if he believed this country should have peaceful transfers of power, he took the fucking fifth. More: Business Insider

Note 18: Thank you to Jemele Hill for sharing this. We’d call her brave, but that lady passed brave a long time ago. More: The Atlantic

Note 19: This just in — Andrew Giluiani lost his primary because he and his dad are creepy fucking losers.

Note 20: Ok, SPs, to the news! Since we have hit a wall and started churning out super weird gibberish, we’d like to apologize in advance for whatever fucked up shit we bring you tomorrow. We love y’all and hope you’re keeping your head up.

Suck it, Putey

It was shit timing for Biden to leave the country right after the rights of millions of women were taken away. But he did something good. Turkey dropped its opposition to Finland and Sweden joining NATO, and they have formally been invited to join. Trump and Putin tried to destroy NATO. Instead they gave it new life and new members. Good work, dumbfucks. More: CNN

Trash

Remember when Ginni Thomas said she was eager to talk to the Jan. 6 committee? Well that was just another fucking lie from a rancid piece of rat shit. She’s now saying she can’t testify, and she supplied a bullshit list of four reasons. She’s a fucking traitor, and we all fucking know it. Subpoena her right fucking now. More: MSNBC

Phew

Ketchup dripping down the walls, broken plates, lunging for the steering wheel, trying to choke a secret service agent. No, we’re not describing a Friday night from your 20s. That shit was all in yesterday’s hearing. Of course the agents who are Trumpers went to shitty reporters who granted anonymity to scumbags to call a 25 year old courageous young woman a liar. Well, we believe Cassidy. And the rest can go fuck themselves in the hell they reserve for traitors. And the most important part is this — Trump knew the mob was armed. He sent them to the Capitol anyway, and then did nothing while they attacked. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy accused Russia on Tuesday of becoming “a terrorist” state carrying out “daily terrorist acts” and urged Russia’s expulsion from the United Nations. More: Huff Post

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