Today’s Big Stuff 6.28.22

Today’s Big Stuff 6.28.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 133 days until the midterm elections. It’s surprise witness day for the Jan. 6 committee, pharmacies start rationing emergency contraceptives because we’re Iran now and another Trump lawyer gets his phone searched.

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. But we use them for good. Sorry. We only use them for fucking good. Wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck are you today in the year 1952? Shit year, right? Yep. So before we really start cussing today, we wanted to say thank you to the many, many Sexy Patriots who reached out and heartily endorsed our idea to hold a Great American Scream. It’s been a minute since we organized anything, so give us a couple of days to try and figure out how to blow this up. And thank you for encouraging our fucked up notions of resistance.

Second, can we talk about some of the people who have stepped up as SCOTUS has gone nutjob nazi cakes? Like, we knew Cincinnati Bengals quarterback was a young stud in the league, but who the fuck expected something like this from him?

Woah, bro, that’s some top notch ally-ing right there. Who else? Eminem? Seriously? Well hell yeah.

Dude has like 23 million followers. Anyway, America is quickly realigning itself as two countries. One believes in basic human rights and the other is trying to figure out how to fuck a baby into an AR-15. TBS is proud to be the official newsletter of the not trying to get a gun pregnant country. And we’re so glad you’ve joined us here.

Note two: Will y’all totally hate us if we take Friday off? It’s been an intense couple of weeks, and we thought we might sleep in and cuss in private.

Note three: Holy shit! We knew this was a Great Lake, but this is Tony the Tiger “GRRREAT.”

Note four: So apparently scumbag Republicans can do whatever crimes they want and a goddamn court will give them a pass. More: Detroit Free Press

Note five: Lauren Boebert is “tired of this separation of church and state junk.” Um, well we’re tired of the non-separation of the brother and sister ass-faced hogs who had sex with each other and produced Lauren. More: Washington Post

Note six: Have you seen this idiotic shit about Speaker Pelosi elbowing the child of that new QAnon idiot member of Congress? Lady, if the speaker wanted to hit your kid, both you and your kid would know it. NO LINK

Note seven: Most of y’all know that Sam is a Kentucky native. This is why he isn’t bragging about it much these days. More: Courier Journal

Note eight: We are trying not to lose our patience. We are team players. We will support the nominee in 2024. Also, how the fuck is the White House’s response to Roe this fucking bad? They knew it was coming for weeks. Get your crap together, 1600!

Note nine: There has been a lot of Democrat-on-Democrat fighting on twitter these last few days. We get it. People are scared and angry, and they should be. Just remember — people are allowed to criticize our leaders. If they weren’t, we’d be in a Trump-like cult.

Note 10: We seriously can’t stop laughing at this Giuliani shit. Even the most pathetic shit-eating right-wing lunatic “news” anchors think he's a lying idiot.

Note 11: Today is Mel Brooks’s birthday. Happy birthday to one of our heroes. The man said that “humor is just another defense against the universe,” and that’s basically our goddamn motto around here.

Note 12: This Florida man is Ron DeSantis’s Florida man. More: CBS News

Note 13: Why aren’t more people screaming cuss words in a terrified panic like we are? Also, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Michigan Republicans? More: NBC News

Note 14: Interesting. Is Gavin Newsom looking at a 2024 run? Well after his all-in response to Roe, he’s definitely got our attention. More: SF Gate

Note 15: Did you see the clip of Kari Lake looking crazier than a shithouse rat on Fox last night? Well here’s a tweet this morning from our buddy Rex that sure raised our eyebrows.

Note 16: Mitch McConnell said yesterday that “precedent is important, but sometimes the precedent is outdated and wrong.” Then why didn’t the piece of shit justices he nominated say that in their hearings? Why did they lie? Because it was all fucking rigged from the beginning. God we really fucking hate that turtle. More: Rawstory

Note 17: Today is also Elon Musk’s birthday. We hope someone leaves a flaming bag of dog shit on his porch. We hope he thinks it’s a cake. And we hope he eats it.

Note 18: Alrigthy, Sexy Patriots, let’s get our hot asses to the news section. Everything is all fucked up and awful, but you are super sexy and we love you very much. Have a great day!

Woohoo!

No, we are not the surprise Jan. 6 hearing witness today. They already know how we feel about shit. The witness is actually Cassidy Hutchinson, Mark Meadows top aide who told us all last week about Matt Gaetz and co asking for all the pardons. We thought the witness might be Mike Pence then we remembered he’s a gutless fetus-humping chickenshit. It’s a popcorn day, y’all. Let’s do it!

More: CNN

This ain’t America

So Rite-Aid and CVS have started fucking rationing fucking emergency contraceptives because there’s a run on them because the fucking Supreme Court just sent us back to the fucking dark ages. Oh and Facebook and Instagram are doing everything they can to help their right-wing fascist friends by removing all posts of people offering abortion pills. This is a fucking nightmare.

LOL

So apparently last week when that one Trump lawyer doofus was getting his shit searched by the FBI, another Trump lawyer doofus was having his phone taken. Man we love that shit. But John Eastman doesn’t. In fact he is very upset to be treated like the criminal asshole that he is. Guess he shouldn’t have tried to overthrow the government of the United States of America.

More: ABC News

Today’s clips

Authorities said 46 people, believed to be migrants attempting to enter the United States from Mexico, were found dead inside a tractor-trailer abandoned near San Antonio, Texas, on Monday as the temperature topped 100. More: HuffPost

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