Today's Big Stuff 6.2.22

6.2.22

It’s Thursday. There are 159 days until the midterm elections. House Democrats focus on guns today, Republicans hint they won’t do a damn thing and Bill Barr is quite proud of his corruption and failure. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. We think they’re good words, but some assholes have a problem with cussing and shit. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! How much are we loving this short ass week? We’d love it more if it wasn’t happening while the skies of the world parted and rained the devil’s diarrhea on us? Yeah, we hear that. And speaking of nonsequiturs, did y’all ever read Highlights magazine when you were kids? Well, here at TBS, we’ve got ourselves a little Goofus and Gallant situation going on. 

Adam, or Gallant, is a team player. He’s (mostly) not spending his days fighting with other Democrats online. He’s not making demands of the administration or holding his vote ransom. Instead, he just puts his head down and focuses on the slow and hard work of electing more Democrats because he knows the alternative is Matt Marjorie Boebert forcing our kids to eat livestock medicine while learning how white Jesus saved Superman’s life in 1619.  

Sam, or Goofus (oh don’t look so surprised) on the other hand, can’t stop fucking complaining about how President Biden and Democratic leadership keep bringing defective pool noodles to a chainsaw fight, and he doesn’t see anything in the world wrong with expecting candidates to keep their campaign promises or demanding party leadership see the opposition for the deranged and terrifying mutant sonsofbitches that they are. Should we all try to be like Galant? Sure. Are there a whole lot of folks feeling like Goofus? You bet your hot ass there are. 

But here’s what Highlights didn’t tell you. When these two crazy motherfuckers team up together, they can do some pretty cool shit. Like Gallant will build a rocket, and Goofus will make its engines sound like fart noises. And that’s the goal here. That’s the prize. No, not the rocket that sounds like it’s farting. The unity. The win. The salvation of democracy and dececyt. Because y’all know what the fuck we’re up against. It’s evil, it’s cruel and it’s this fucking stupid…

Unbelievable. Just seriously. Wow. Now that’s fucking dumb. Like so so so fucking dumb. So yeah, whether you’re a Goofus or a Gallant, just remember that this November, we’re all Team Goolant (Gallus?). Sound good? Ok, go team. 

Note two: Now that we’ve thought about it, we would also like a rocket that sounds like it’s farting. 

Note three: You know why we could never be president? Because we could never in a million years bring ourselves to kiss Saudi murderer ass to try and ease gas prices for Americans. But it sure looks like that’s what President Biden is doing, and maybe that’s just the way shit is. More: Associated Press, Yahoo News

Note four: We were gonna say some really ugly shit about the queen, but then we realized y’all might like the queen and get mad at us so we decided to drop it. 

Note five: Oh look, a WSJ poll shows that 68 percent don’t want Roe overturned. Maybe we should be running on this, y’all think? More: Wall Street Journal

Note six: The White House is finally going to pay its interns. Also, White House interns weren’t already being paid?! More: CNN

Note seven: We didn’t follow the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard stuff, but we know it’s been a pretty ugly time online since the verdict yesterday. And it’s never a good thing when Don Jr. and Kyle Rittenhouse are this happy. If you’re having a hard time, we get it and we see you. Please hang in there. NO LINK

Note eight: Hey, White House officials, you know how you create more Goofuses? You announce a ceremony for a Nancy Reagan stamp (on the first day of Pride!!!) and that Louis DeJoy will be in attendance. Seriously what the fuck?

Note nine: This is a big deal. Today Vice President Harris is announcing that the administration will forgive $5.8 billion in student loans for students who were defrauded by Corinthians College. The VP has been on this case for a while. More: Bloomberg

Note 10: How the hell does this mothefucker find a way to be more scummy each and every goddamn day? 

Note 11: So of all the fucked up shit that Texas Republicans have done, this is definitely fucked up. Abbott is sending officials to schools to try and sneak in to test how easy it is to get in the schools. What an absolute fucking genius.

Note 12: So one of the so-called moderate Democrats who helped tank the Biden agenda we all voted for is now out of a job. Sucks to suck. More: CNN

Note 13: Don’t sleep on Michigan’s badass AG and her investigations into the 2020 coup efforts. More: Detroit News

Note 14: The Buffalo shooting suspect has been charged. It’s worth remembering that Republican leadership still hasn’t condemned replacement theory. More: New York Times

Note 15: For all you Gallants out there, this is what it looks like when a president focuses on solutions to real problems.

Note 16: The NBA finals start tonight. Who y’all got? Golden State or Boston?

Note 17: Wow. We missed this yesterday, but did y’all see Charles Booker’s new ad? It’s heavy! And we bet it made Rand madder than when his neighbor kicked his ass up and down the block. 

Note 18: Sherly Sandberg is stepping down from Facebook. Yeah, she wants to spend more time with her family and turn them into white supremacist anti-vaxxers. More: ABC News

Note 19: Woohoo! Damn cool to see President Biden honor the first woman commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard. (Are we the only people who think of Police Academy every time we hear the word commandant?) More: CNN

Note 20: Ok, you gorgeous Sexy Patriots, let’s shimmy our fine behinds on over to the news section. We hope y’all are holding up ok during this relentless torrential shit rain. FWIW, you smell fantastic. Have a great day. Love y’all! 

Let’s fucking go

Today House Democrats are meeting in an emergency session to mark up on eight different gun safety bills, including banning high-capacity magazines and raising the buying age for some semi-automatic rifles. They’ve already scheduled a vote for next week on a red flag bill. This is what we need to see. Urgency. Action. Give ‘em hell, NP. More: CNBC, CNN

Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom…

While Chris Murphy and Joe Biden have desperately hoped Republicans might actually move on guns this time, the signals from Republican leadership suggest otherwise. McConnell has been in Kentucky this week talking about mental illness and hardening schools, and John Cornyn was tweeting at a right-wing radio host yesterday that he wasn’t going to do shit on guns. Meanwhile, there were more shootings yesterday…

Fuck this guy

So usually when a jury comes back in like seven minutes because your case was such a joke, the lawyers who brought it are embarrassed. But here’s Bill Barr on Fox talking about how proud he is of John Durham. Why? Because as the AG says, the goal was not a conviction to uphold the rule of law. The goal was to use DOJ and the legal system to create innuendo to smear one of Donald Trump’s political opponents while raising doubts about his conspiracy with Russia. Congrats to every MSM reporter who got rolled by this crooked fucker.

Today’s clips

The U.S. is headed for “a lot of unnecessary loss of life,” the Biden administration says, if Congress fails to provide billions more dollars to brace for the pandemic’s next wave. Yet the quest for that money is in limbo, the latest victim of election-year gridlock that’s stalled or killed a host of Democratic priorities. More: Huff Post

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