Today's Big Stuff 6.21.22

6.21.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 140 days until the midterm elections. Talking states and Jan. 6, Texas Republicans are really scary and bad people and living under a crazy ass SCOTUS.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses a shit-ton. Our spelling sucks too.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed y’all! Did you have a nice weekend? Oh that’s good. Don’t worry about the stains. A little club soda and fire will get them right out. Us? Well, we had a weird weekend.

There we were, taking it easy Saturday night watching a movie when we started hearing a grumbling noise from our seat. Then it grew into a growl and eventually a nightmarish roar. No, it’s not what you think. God, that is soooo immature. Grow up. No, it turned out that our asses had turned into monsters that wanted to eat the rest of our bodies and then poop them out and then eat us all over again. They even spoke in a demonic fart language. Yeah, scary shit! Literally! So we spent the next 24 hours fighting our ass monsters to a bloody end. It was really grotesque and terrifying, but we finally de-cheeked it with a sword we got a from an enchanted mermaid.

And yet, it still wasn’t as fucking scary as a goddamn motherfucking Republican Senate candidate.

What the effing fuck is wrong with that dude? Oh right he’s a psycho who ties up women in his basement, assaults them and then takes their fucking picture for fucking blackmail purposes. What’s wrong, McConnell?! Couldn’t find a cannibal dressed up as a party clown to put in the United States Senate?! Like Herschel Walker is a sleaze, but we don’t think he’s ever killed any of his secret kids.

So um, yeah, welcome back, everybody. Watch out for ass monsters and Republican Senate candidates.

Note two: CNN just asked our ass monster what it thinks about inflation. Unreal.

Note three: How damn cool is it that Ben Stiller went to Ukraine? Can’t you just picture Zelensky playing the DeNiro role in Meet the Parents? “I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?”

Note four: Merrick Garland went over there too. Maybe Stiller could’ve stayed in the U.S. and indicted Trump. More: USA Today

Note five: Looks like the Jan. 6 committee found some new footage to shock and horrify us all. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: How did Beyonce know we need her now? More: CNN

Note seven: We are proud Democrats. We are supportive of our president. But we are not in a cult, so we will call our own people out when they come up short. And goddamnit, they really fucking came up short here. Tony Blinken and the fucking State Department need to get their fucking shit together. This is cruel, and it is embarrassing. More: Axios

Note eight: While we wait to see if we’ve all been conned on a federal gun deal, actual progress has come to Rhode Island. Congrats to Shannon Watts and Moms Demand. More: Providence Journal

Note nine: That might be the first time in four years of doing this newsletter that we’ve mentioned Rhode Island. Sorry about that.

Note 10: We really don’t ever want to hear anyone call this pathetic kiss-ass a hero ever again.

Note 11: Last week Trump said he wants to pardon the Jan. 6 terrorists. It’s really cool that we’ve allowed him to just continue his crime spree while we publicly debate whether we should hold him to account for any of it. More: Business Insider

Note 12: Speaking of that deranged fuckhead, Trump has finally figured out it was dumb for Republicans to boycott the Jan. 6 committee. The most delicious part? He’s blaming McCarthy. LOL. More: NY Daily News

Note 13: Franklin Graham is an actual monster. What a piece of shit. More: Washington Post

Note 14: Just a reminder that abortion has been illegal in Texas for almost a year now and women who wanted abortions are now having kids. We have to remind you of that because our out-of-touch mainstream media doesn’t give a shit. More: Washington Post

Note 15: The South has really gone back to being the South again. If it ever stopped. More: NBC News

Note 16: Roger Marshall is lying about abortion drugs. Thanks to Sen. Tina Smith for calling this dangerous bullshit out. More: Huff Post

Note 17: Republicans have decided that America’s real enemies are drag queens. What a sad joyless life it must be to hate and fear everything and everyone you don’t understand. Fucking losers. More: Washington Post

Note 18: It sure looks like the governor of Texas is helping the cowards of Uvalde cover up their incompetence. How in the world does this awful story just keep getting worse?! More: Texas Tribune

Note 19: Alrighty, SPs, let’s shimmy on over to the news section. We hope y’all had a great weekend, and we sure are glad to be back with you even though everything is covered in suck. Let’s make them regret fucking with us, Sexy Patriots. And let’s do it together. Love y’all!

Hearing day

Today the Jan. 6 committee will hear from officials in states where Trump tried to pressure them to throw out votes and overturn the election. Those officials will include Georgia and Arizona folks. Also, we found out that the committee has added another hearing and might even go beyond that. Good. Let’s Benghazi this shit. More: CNN

What the fuck?!

Texas Republicans gathered this weekend for an orgy of dumb cruelty. They passed a platform that said Biden isn’t the legit president, they assaulted Dan Crenshaw and they called being gay “an abnormal lifestyle choice.” These sick fucks want us all dead. They are the Taliban among us. They tell us every fucking day they’re coming for us. So what is our response? More: CNN

Scary SCOTUS

So while we were writing today, we were refreshing every two seconds to see if SCOTUS took away basic human rights from millions of Americans. And while we did, we saw that they appear likely to take up the idea that state legislatures can basically decide election outcomes on their own. This Supreme Court is out to destroy democracy, and they seem to be pretty good at it. More: PBS

Today’s clips

Stephen Colbert on Monday addressed the arrest of his production crew by U.S. Capitol Police last week and joked that they were guilty of “puppetry in the first degree.”

Seven members of the “Late Night” team were arrested in the Longworth House Office Building Thursday night and charged with unlawful entry. CBS said the production team was recording a comedy segment featuring Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and had filmed authorized and pre-arranged interviews with members of Congress. More: Huff Post

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