Today's Big Stuff 6.17.22

6.17.22

Happy Friday. There are 144 days until the midterm elections. Iowa clears the way to ban abortions, DeSantis tells Florida kids to go die and Trump is a “clear and present danger” and a butthead to boot.  

Be advised: This newsletter uses obscene language. But we’d look pretty dumb telling Republicans to go fudge themselves.

Note: It’s time once again to huddle up, Sexy Patriots. So bring it in. Closer. Closer. Closer. Too close. Ok perfect. Damn y’all smell good. Anyway we’ve got a plan. As y’all know, we hit a big subscriber milestone this week. And we were feeling pretty good about ourselves, and then we saw this shit. 

LOL. Yeah, this is our future if we don’t win this November. Dumbfuck assholes like this one — who was accused of beating his college girlfriend and paying for her to have an abortion — are our future leaders if we don’t get our fucking shit together. 

You know how Americans always joke that Europeans would be speaking German if not for us? Well we’re all gonna be speaking hillbilly assmouth dumbshit if we don’t win this fucking thing. So this weekend, rest, reset and recharge. And make a plan. Figure out which races you want to be involved in. Maybe it’s the Michigan state senate. Maybe it’s Beto in Texas or Stacey in Georgia. Maybe it’s Tim Ryan in Ohio. Whoever it is, they need you. They need all of us. Because while we’re fluent in hillbilly assmouth dumbshit, we don’t think it should be the national language.

Note two: We just want to say thanks again for helping us build TBS to what it is. Let’s go for 200,000 subscribers and eventually get bigger than the New York Times so when we call them out for being pathetic Republican kiss-asses they really feel the sting. But seriously, thank you all so much. We honestly can’t express just how grateful we really are. 

Note three: Just as a programming note, we’ll be taking Monday off to observe Juneteenth, so we’ll see y’all on Tuesday.

Note four: Peter Navarro pleaded not guilty this morning. Just between us, that motherfucker is actually guilty as all hell. More: CNN

Note five: Y’all wanna see something fucking awesome?

Note six: Btw, you might remember Capitol police officer Caroline Edwards, who testified at the first Jan. 6 hearing. Well, she’s been dealing with a brain injury caused by Trump’s mob, but she has just been cleared to return to duty. Hero.

Note seven: So you know how those scumbag assholes in New Mexico are refusing to certify a Democratic victory? Well this you’re not gonna believe. One of them is a Jan. 6 terrorist, and he’s getting sentence TODAY. More: SF Reporter, CNN

Note eight: There was a shooting at a potluck at a church in Alabama yesterday. And the Senate gun deal is falling apart because Cornyn is a con-artist who is now backing away from the only provisions that actually deal with guns. And because the Republican Party is the party of protecting domestic abusers. More: CNN, CNN II

Note nine: Btw, if you’re looking for a good show to watch, we highly recommend The Offer. It’s about the making of The Godfather, and it is fucking fantastic. The dude playing Robert Evans really nails it. 

Note 10: If the founders were really all that smart, they would’ve put DON’T FUCK WITH TOM HANKS in the Bill of Rights.

Note 11: Herschel Walker says he wasn’t hiding his three kids. We suppose it’s possible he just forgot where they lived and who they were. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Does anybody else get a cold chill down their spine every time Ivanka comes on screen at those hearings? Looks like a goddang ghost. A really evil one. That Donald Trump wants to have sex with. 

Note 13: Justice Sotomayor gave a speech yesterday, and she talked about how great Clarence Thomas is. Excuse us while we go scream into the mirror. FUUUUCKKKK!!!! More: CNN

Note 14: Holy shit! We knew the asshole Elise Stefanik endorsed was a racist piece of shit, but this is racist piece of shitty even for them. It’s really gonna suck when the Capitol Hill press corps gives her a pass on it.  More: CNN

Note 15: Thank you to Rep. Bill Pascrell for calling on Clarence Thomas to resign. We’re wondering why the fuck the entire fucking Demoratic Party isn’t doing this. More: Insider NJ

Note 16: Elon Musk is such a free-speech absolutist that he fired the SpaceX employees who criticized him. Sounds like a good attitude for a new twitter owner. But what do you expect from a QAnon shithead?

Note 17: Mike Lindell is having a bad week. He will probably smoke some crack about it. More: The Daily Beast

Note 18: How are we supposed to have elections if election workers don’t feel safe? And why the fuck does the safety of these Americans mean less to Washington than the safety of Brett fucking Kavanugh? More: CNN

Note 19: We’ve decided that we should be on the pardon list. 

Note 20: Ok, you beautiful Sexy Patriots, let’s get to the news and then let’s get to the weekend! We love y’all so fucking much. You have put us on Cloud Nine this week, and we will work our asses off to repay the favor. Have a great one!

What happened to Iowa?

The Iowa Supreme Court appears to have ruled that Iowans do not have a right to abortion, setting up the state to implement a full ban after SCOTUS overturns Roe. This is really happening. Next week decisions are coming down on Tuesday and Thursday, so brace yourself for a hard week followed by decades of fascism. More: KCCI

Ron loves COVID; hates kids

Florida is the only goddamn state to not order vaccines for kids because Ron DeSantis is a fucking monster who says his state won’t do a goddamn thing to help parents get their kids vaccinated. This is really insane behavior from an absolute lunatic. So when is the goddamn press gonna start covering him that way? More: CNN

Mike Pence was 40 feet to Heaven

So yesterday’s Jan. 6 hearing was another doozy. We found out that Pence was closer to kissing his maker’s ass in person than we realized. We found out that Eastman and Trump knew what they were doing was illegal. The funniest part was Trump putting out a statement demanding equal time. Ok, fuckhead, let’s do it under oath. The committee continues to impress with its efforts. Let’s just hope Merrick isn’t too afraid to do something about it. More: CNN

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden, who has recently been focused on boosting oil production to reduce rising gasoline costs, turned his attention to climate change on Friday when he convened a virtual meeting of some of the world’s biggest economies. More: Huff Post

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