Today's Big Stuff 6.14.22

6.14.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 147 days until the midterm elections. Trump stole $250 million from his morons, Merrick Garland is watching tv but in a good way and Biden is heading to Saudi Arabia ugh.

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. But they feel so goddamn good.

Note: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, Sexy Patriots! Um, TBS, it’s not Christmas and you’re looking pretty sexy too. Well thank you! And we know it’s not the traditional Christmas that we liberals declare war on every year. But it is TBS Christmas, and we’re celebrating. What’s TBS Christmas? Well we’re glad you asked. This is fucking TBS Christmas…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Good god that’s fantastic. We spat out our coffee when she said it. Frankly, we got so excited about it we started thinking, gosh, what if we could go back in time and interview young Rudy and tell him that he’s going to be called a treasonous alcoholic in front of the whole world. So we built a goddamn time machine, and here is our interview with a young Rudy Giuliani…

RG: Wow. Are you from the future?

TBS: Dude, are you fucking your cousin?

RG: Why yes I am. Isn’t she hot?

TBS: Man, that’s messed up. But it’s not even the most embarrassing thing you’ll go on to do.

RG: It’s not?

TBS: Not even close.

RG: Will I be president?

TBS: No, but you will be a part of a coup attempt and have so much hair dye running down your forehead that it looks like you’re shitting out of your face.

RG: Oh gosh. Well do I at least have kids?

TBS: Yeah, but they’re even more embarrassing than you.

RG: Well this is all very upsetting. I think I’ll go have sex with my cousin.

TBS: You are truly an abomination.

And scene. We just want to take a quick minute to thank the Jan. 6 committee. Not only are they providing some much-needed truth, yesterday they also gave us some real laughs. And we had no idea that was possible. So thanks for that.

Note two: Just a quick note about alcoholism — If you think you might have a problem, there are people who can help. Please don’t be afraid to ask. We love you, and we want you to take care of yourself. And not end up as a cousin-fucking face-shitter from the Borat sequel.

Note three: Is this one of the best anti-Trump jokes ever written?

Note four: Today is the day Donald Trump’s demon goat mother shat out a monster. We’d wish him a happy birthday, but we think he’s a miserable piece of shit who wrecked America so instead he can go fuck himself.

Note five: Well this is fucking terrifying. More than 100 candidates who believe and want to act on Trump’s Big Lie have won their primaries. Y’all, we’ve got to stop these fuckers or we lose everything. More: Washington Post

Note six: We forgot to mention it yesterday, but huge love and congrats to Jennifer Hudson, the newest member of the EGOT club. More: CNN

Note seven: Well looky there! It turns out that Joe Biden didn’t single-handedly cause inflation and the U.S. is actually right in the middle. More: Axios

Note eight: RIP Philip Baker Hall. Talk about an actor’s actor. So good in so many things from Magnolia to Seinfeld. We did a Hard Eight rewatch last night and just marveled at the dude. More: Variety

Note nine: So Fox Sports is now the same fucking garbage as Fox News? Will that force some of these pro leagues to reconsider who gets the rights to show their games? Because it sure as shit should. More: NBC News

Note 10: Btw, the Washington Post did a poll on whether Americans want trans folks playing women’s sports. So yeah, the democracy dies in darkness people now seem pretty cool helping justify hate crimes and an anti-LGBTQ+ wave of violence. Good work, watchdogs! NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 11: The Vice President is meeting with constitutional scholars today about the fall of Roe. We know you’re already bracing yourselves, but hang on because it could come as soon as tomorrow. More: CNN

Note 12: Today the House is probably going to pass the bill that protects SCOTUS members. House Democrats added a section that protected staff too, and Senate Republicans lost their shit. Why? Well according to Mitch McConnell, they deserve to be in jeopardy because they might have been a part of a leak. This is a real thing he said. And the response from the press was to just repeat it, and the response from the House was to cave. The whole goddamn city of Washington and this country are being held hostage by a sociopathic tortoise and nobody seems to have the guts to take him on. More: The Hill

Note 13: Oh hey, just in case you thought there were some Senate Republicans who were watching the Jan. 6 hearings and growing souls and backbones, we’re sorry to say there aren’t. More: Huff Post

Note 14: Elon Musk is taking (pre-screened) questions from twitter employees today. We hope one of them is “why are you the fucking worst?” More: Huff Post

Note 15: If you’re like us, you’ve been worried a great deal about the health and safety of WNBA star Britney Griner who has been detained by Russia. We were glad to see that the State Department met with reps from the Phoenix Mercury this week. Let’s get her home. More: CNN

Note 16: While we were all watching the committee talk about drunk Rudy yesterday, Officer Eugene Goodman was testifying against some of the terrorists. More: CNN

Note 17: The entire Democratic establishment endorsed this asshole, and now he’s trying to bring the party down because he lost. More: Huff Post

Note 18: This is so insanely fucked up. Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine yesterday signed a bill that cut the number of training hours that school employees including teachers need to carry a gun at school from 700 hours to 24. So yeah, Mike DeWine clearly wants more dead kids. More: NPR

Note 19: Oh hell yeah! Serena is returning to Wimbledon! Get it!

Note 20: Who’s voting today?! More: Huff Post

Note 21: Alrighty, SPs, let’s get to the news section. We hope this week is off to a good start for you. Please remember to take care of yourself. The news is a nonstop shitstorm these days, so be good to the Sexy Patriot you see in the mirror. Love y’all!

LOL

We know we should be outraged that Trump used his lies about the election to steal $250 million from his dumbfuck followers, but we just love watching bad shit happen to them. Yeah, there were a lot of shocking revelations at the second Jan. 6 committee hearing yesterday, but this was the most jaw-dropping the non-drunk Rudy category. Just a heads up that the committee announced today that tomorrow’s hearing is postponed. They said it was to give their video team more help. More: Rolling Stone

He’s alive!

We got two positive signs from DOJ yesterday. First, Merrick Garland is apparently a real person, and he is alive. Second, he said he and the Jan. 6 prosecutors are watching the hearings. But even more important, he said the department does not feel constrained by anything as it investigates what happens. This could mean he feels ok indicting a former president. It could also mean nothing. The Guardian

Well this sucks

So Joe Biden is heading to the Middle East. Yeah, Joe is going to Israel and Saudi Arabia. And yeah, it really sucks. The Saudis made a devil’s deal with Team Trump, and they’ve been fucking us over as Putin fucks with Ukraine. And still, our president has to fucking go over there and play nice instead of making those murderers the international pariahs he had hoped to. We’re not gonna blame Joe for this. At least not today. Presidents have to do shitty things sometimes. And this definitely qualifies. More: CNN

Today’s clips

In its second public hearing, the House select committee investigating the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol delivered a relatively focused message on Monday: that Trump knew his claims of a stolen election were false but continued to push them widely, raking in hundreds of millions of dollars while seeking to overturn the results of the 2020 election. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips

The Biden administration is lifting its requirement that international air travelers to the U.S. take a COVID-19 test within a day before boarding their flights, easing one of the last remaining government mandates meant to contain the spread of the coronavirus. More: Huff Post

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