Today's Big Stuff 5.24.22

5.24.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 168 days until the midterm elections. Axios doesn’t give a damn about the Buffalo massacre, a huge ballot scandal in Michigan and Kellyanne actually tells the truth for once (but still sucks).

Be advised: This newsletter uses dirty language. But how the fuck else are we supposed to talk about American politics these days?

Note: Today, Sexy Patriots, is a good day. Today, we once again get to watch this racist gutless assbreathed pig-fucking piece of shit lose a race…

That guy is a lot of things. He’s a racist. He’s a Trump pet. He’s an insider traitor. He’s a moron. And perhaps more than anything, he is a fucking loser. And oh dear god how we enjoy watching these fucking scumbags lose. This guy’s such a fucking loser, we bet his tears keep putting out the matches when he tries to burn a cross. If TBS was a person, it would have a taint. And we would tell David D-bag Perdue to kiss that taint and then kiss our ass while he’s down there. He is the Devil’s shart, and he shan’t be missed in the world of politics and non-assholes.

But it gets better.

This was Trump’s idea. He ran because Trump talked him into it. Trump was so big and tough and gonna make a point and take out Brian Kemp. And then he lost. Again. Because he’s a fucking loser. Enjoy that L, you orange fuck. You should be getting used to them by now.

Anyway, nobody knows for sure who will win until the polls are closed and the votes are counted and the Republicans have tried to overthrow the government. But if we had to bet, we’d say David Perdue is gonna end today the same way he started it — as a racist fucking loser.

Bye, Dave. Hope eating all that orange shit was worth it.

Note two: It’s an Election Day! Is your state voting? Are you? We don’t have a lot of endorsements today. Unless you live in Texas. Then vote for Jessica Cisneros. Unlike Democratic leadership, we’re supporting the pro-choice candidate.

Note three: There will come a day soon when we try to write something funny about Pence vs. Trump. But right now all we can see is a gutless fucking loser and a deranged goddamn terrorist. We’re not saying we can’t get jokes out of it, but it’s gonna take some work. More: New York Times

Note four: Henry Kissinger, who is somehow still alive, says that Ukraine needs to give up territory to Russia. Henry Kissinger is a demented old war criminal who can eat shit and then go fuck himself. More: Business Insider

Note five: Speaker Pelosi has something to say about the fuckers who are denying her communion. More: Washington Post

Note six: Teachers don’t know if they can tell students about what happened in Buffalo because we live in a racist country. More: NBC News

Note seven: One of the fucking scumbags who attacked us on Jan. 6 was apparently gonna come back on Inauguration Day. Those antifa are relentless. More: Charlotte Observer

Note eight: Trevor Reed, the former Marine who Biden got out of Russia, said that Marjorie Taylor Greene is an embarrassment. Sounds like he’s getting caught up on everything he missed pretty quickly. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: The SEC folded to Elon because the SEC is a joke. More: Reuters

Note 10: So this is a big one — fuck State Farm. Yeah, we’re gonna ask you to start looking for another insurance company because that one is not only proud of its anti-vaxx spokesman, but it also apparently hates LGBTQ kids and loves bigots. Hey State Farm, we hope you fucking go bankrupt. More: The Daily Beast

Note 11: Biden is going to do an executive order on police reform. We’re sure it’ll make a huge difference and change just a whole bunch. More: CNN

Note 12: Man, Republicans really took that coke orgy shit seriously. Cawthorn has been politically dead for a week and they’re still desecrating the body. More: USA Today

Note 13: Speaking of drugged out corrupt pieces of shit, Ronny Jackson seems to have some issues. More: New York Times

Note 14: One of the GOP’s fake electors wants to run Wisconsin’s election commission. Why isn’t this shithead in jail? More: Madison.com

Note 15: Rudy Giuliani met with the Jan. 6 committee by Zoom. Apparently he just spent the whole time claiming the election was stolen. Let’s hope the committee has more planned than just getting rolled by a drunken old cousin fucker who craps out of his forehead. More: CNBC

Note 16: So this seems pretty fucking terrifying, and maybe elected Democrats and the national media should start taking it seriously.

Note 17: Did you see Trump share a post about a civil war? Remember when the major papers wrote stories asking if Biden talks about his dead family too much? More: Business Insider

Note 18: Alrighty, Sexy Patriots, to the news! We hope your week is just flying by. And if you get your insurance from State Farm, we hope you’re telling them to fuck off today. We love you, and we hope today is a great day. Except for State Farm.

Fuck Axios

We obviously have a lot of contempt for the out-of-touch beltway media, but Axios made us so fucking mad today we can’t see straight. It’s been less than a week since Fox News got 10 Black Americans murdered at a grocery store. And so Axios sat down with Lachlan Murdoch and kissed his ass like it was a sailor coming home from war. We know our media is out of touch. But seeing just how fucking cold and ghoulish they can be is still really quit jarring. The reporter was asking him questions about a fucking football league! More: Axios

Oops

So Michigan Republicans are in a heap of trouble. Like half their candidates did not file enough valid signatures to get on the ballot. All they know how to do is cheat, and they don’t even know how to do that very well. Keep an eye on this story. It’s fascinating. More: Detroit Free Press, Michigan Live

This trash

We obviously haven’t read Kellyanne’s new book. And we ain’t gonna. But we will say this — even that drowned sewer rat says that Trump lost. It might be the first time she’s ever told the truth in her whole miserable goddamn life. Ok now let’s all go back to forgetting she exists. More: Rolling Stone

Today’s clips

San Francisco Mayor London Breed will not march in the city's Pride parade next month if participating police officers are not allowed to wear uniforms, the mayor said in a statement Monday. More: CNN

The New York attorney general's office has subpoenaed former President Donald Trump's longtime executive assistant for testimony as part of its civil investigation into the Trump Organization's finances. More: CNN

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden on Monday said the thirteen nations joining his long-sought economic plan for Asia were “signing up to work toward an economic vision that will deliver for all people on Earth.” CNN

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