Today's Big Stuff 4.7.22

4.7.22

It’s Thursday. There are 215 days until the midterm elections. Trump says he wishes he could’ve joined the attack on D.C., House Republicans vote with Russia again and hell yeah we’re getting a new Supreme Court justice today.

Be advised: We’re still pissed off we couldn’t get a newsletter out yesterday so we’re cussing even more than usual today. And our spelling fucking sicks.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’re so fucking sorry we missed you yesterday. We had some unavoidable technical difficulties, and we’re sorry to say we’re going to go quiet tomorrow to get them resolved. The fucking Cussinator 3000 is glitching, and we gotta get that shit fixed. We’re damn apologetic and even a little embarrassed. But it could be worse. We could be hanging out with some Nazis to celebrate Hitler’s birthday. Hey, TBS, you’re so good looking and nobody in their right mind would do that shit. Oh really?

Yeah, that’s pretty fucked up. But is it really more fucked up than anything we’ve seen from Marjorie? Or Josh Mandel? The truth is next month, some House Republican is going to announce that they’ve changed their name to Johnny Hitler. “Yeah, they used to call me Joe Bob, but now I’m Johnny Hitler. I just like the way it sounds.” We can already see how the Washington Post would write it up

Hitler, 39, said he is not a Nazi even though “some of their ideas make sense” and doesn’t understand why there is so much controversy over his name change. “It’s just a name,” he said. Hitler said the “woke left” needed to quit being so upset over something as silly as a name or the 65-foot swastika he had built on his front lawn.

Don’t worry, friends. Kevin McCarthy will have a talk with him.

Note two: We still can’t believe we missed y’all yesterday. We’ve been doing this newsletter for four years, and we have never had an unscheduled day when we didn’t send out TBS. It’s like the post office failing. Ok, that’s a shitty example.

Note three: If we had put out a newsletter yesterday, this is what the intro would’ve looked like —

Well, Sexy Patriots, it was all happening. We were in an A1 top notch motherfucking mood. Someone turned back the big clock, and for a brief fabulous moment, we were thrust back to the before times, before the orange and before the pandemic and before we knew our one uncle on facebook was a racist dumbfuck piece of shit. All was good again.

Sigh. Swoon. Sigh. Like all dreams, however, this one ended by us waking up with soaked sheets, missing pants and screaming like a banshee. What? That’s not how y’all wake up? Damn. Seriously? Ok we’ll deal with that later. Today we want to focus on this bone we got to pick with our president. Everything was going so great. We were so feeling it. And then…

Goddamnit, Joe! What the fuck, man?! We get that you’re not gonna be writing for TBS anytime soon (Hey! He could do a lot worse than TBS thank you very much!), but is it so fucking hard to not call them good fucking people? Tom Cotton said Judge Jackson would’ve worked for the Nazis yesterday. They blocked COVID relief. Half of them tried to steal the fucking election. They’re all going after your family. Please for the love of fonzi please stop being so fucking nice to them.

Now we get it. He’s a good man who doesn’t talk and cuss and carry on like us. And to be fair, most people don’t. Thank goodness. And we’ve definitely heard people say hey we don’t want another Trump that’s why we like this guy. But c’mon, man. That’s like saying the only two options at a funeral are showering the deceased with praise or climbing on the casket and humping the body. There’s a whole huge range of shit in between. So anyway, Joe, we love you. You know we do. But please humor us just once and tell Mitch to eat shit or Ted Cruz to fuck off straight to hell. Channel your inner TBS. The Sexy Force is strong with you. Use it. Fucking use it.

Note four: We also would’ve spent a fair amount of time screaming cuss words at the Supreme Court for taking an ax to the Clean Water Act. More: Slate

Note five: It’s pretty hilarious that Marjorie is asking the Capitol Police to defend her from Jimmy Kimmel. Her dumb ass has literally voted against them and cheered on their attackers. We doubt they told her to go fuck herself, but we’d sure understand if they did. More: The Hill

Note six: OAN is now officially booted from DirecTV. They’ll have to go back to wearing sandwich boards on the street corner and screaming about how the end is nigh. More: Media Matters

Note seven: House Democrats are still trying to decide if it’s a big deal that the wife of a Supreme Court justice was part of a coup attempt. Meanwhile Trump is down in Florida telling the Washington Post how much she loves this country. There was ZERO pushback. More: NBC News

Note eight: Right now Senate Democrats are thinking about following Kyrsten Sinema and the Republican Party into defending Trump-era immigration laws. That sure seems like a huge fucking mistake to us. And Sinema is the goddamn worst. More: Axios

Note nine: The U.S. sent another 100 switchblade drones to Ukraine. People who say we aren’t doing anything should read up on how we’ve avoided nuclear war for the past 60-something years.

Note 10: Marjorie got Trump’s endorsement yesterday. And then she got Jamie Raskin’s foot in her ass.

Note 11: A Trump judge let a Jan. 6 terrorist go yesterday. Declared him NOT GUILTY. So yeah they’ll definitely be back. More: NBC News

Note 12: The House did vote to hold Navarro and Scavino in contempt. That bad news is unless they’re hiding on a Russian yacht, Merrick Garland ain’t gonna do shit about it. More: NBC News

Note 13: Also, Garland has COVID. We hope he gets back to work soon, but will anyone notice when he does? More: CNN

Note 14: We’re not making this up — this guy was Bernie Kerik’s best man at his wedding. More: NBC News

Note 15: Um, hey, can we please keep Spiccoli away from the fucking nukes?

Note 16: If we had to guess, the end of democracy will start in Wisconsin. More: Vice

Note 17: We’re gonna go ahead and get to the news, but first we wanted to take a moment to talk about a huge loss. Yesterday we learned that Eric Boehlert, author of the Pressrun newsletter, was killed in a cycling accident. We can’t begin to describe what a huge loss this is, so we’ll just say we are shocked and heartbroken. Few people have taken on the bullshit of the beltway media the way Boehlert did. Our nation lost a true watchdog, and we’re gonna miss him. More: Esquire

Note 18: While we were writing today's tbs we learned Speaker Pelosi tested positive today for COVID. We are thinking of her and wishing her the speediest recovery!

He’ll do it again

While Merrick Garland nurses his COVID and House Democrats tease some kind of hearings at some point in the future, Donald Trump is telling the Washington Post he wishes he could’ve marched on the Capitol with his terrorist friends. And of course the ass-kissing WaPo reporter ate it all up. Trump and his crew are planning to rewrite history and blame Speaker Pelosi, and we just assume the beltway media will help them do it. Also, we linked to HuffPo’s write-up because we’ve gotten pretty sick of all the bootlicking going on at WaPo. More: Huff Post

The Putin caucus

So on Tuesday, 63 House Republicans voted against a resolution that called for “unequivocal support” of NATO. Then yesterday, six House Republicans voted against a bill that would require the state department to collect and keep evidence of Russian war crimes. So they’re voting to cover up Russian war crimes?! Seriously what the effing fuck is happening?! More: Business Insider, The Hill

WOOHOO!!!!!!

It has been so ugly and it has pissed us off so many times, but the process is coming to an end and America is finally getting a new Supreme Court justice. And not just any justice. Judge Jackson is the gold standard of judges, and we are so goddamn lucky to have her. This is what America can be when the racist scumbags aren’t fucking it up. Congratulations to Judge Jackson and her family. We’re sorry the Senate is such a fucking joke. If you want to follow along, the vote should start around 1:45 eastern time.

Today’s clips

NO CLIPS

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