Today's Big Stuff 4.5.22

4.5.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 217 days until the midterm elections. Judge Jackson picks up more votes from otherwise terrible people, the GOP purge is almost complete and Ivanka sits down with the Jan. 6 committee to talk about her family’s terrorist attack on the U.S.

Be advised: We like to cuss about politics, but we don’t like editimg. See? That’s the kind of shit we’re talking aboup.

Note: Well well well. If it isn't the sexiest Sexy Patriots this side of the Sexy Patriot river. Ok that one didn’t really work, but we’re warming up! We’ll get back to our usual foul-mouthed fluidity in no time. You know. Our normal. And speaking of normal…

So is that real? Yeah that’s real. But how…? We don’t know. But she…? Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up. But…? Yeah, we’re in real trouble. But sure it can’t get worse. Oh yeah? Have you met this raving lunatic?

So um yeah, we uh… we really gotta hold on to the fucking House. If you’re like us, there are some promises you’d like to see kept that you’re maybe a little raw about. But if we lose then these deranged Mad Max villains are gonna be running the House. Is it really that hard to picture Marjorie donning the full QAnon Shaman get-up and humping ever podium in the place? That would be a fucking disaster! We know y’all didn’t need the reminder, but holy fucking shit it’s a nice pot of coffee to the face, right? So yeah um back to work, everybody.

Note two: So we’re sorry about that. We hate to spring those on you, but…

Note three: Ok this time we’re really sorry. We were trying to scare you. Did it work? Because the whole fucking thing backfired and we actually scared the shit out of ourselves and now Sam won’t stop crying. Moving on.

Note four: We sure hate Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz, but we found some of them groomers they been looking for. We think Marsha Blackburn might be in on it. More: News Channel 9

Note five: So this Elon Musk shit is getting kinda scary. He’s now joined the board of directors, and it sure fucking feels like we’re about five minutes away from Trump being unleashed to terrorize the world again. Do you think twitter survives if Trump comes back or does it turn into that shitty joke he’s got going on now? More: The Daily Beast

Note six: You know, this shitty joke, which is losing investors and members and has dropped off the app store charts. LOL. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Texas wants the world to know they can be bigoted assholes too. More: Texas Tribune

Note eight: The UN is looking to suspend Russia from the Human Rights Council. Yeah, this is probably a good idea. You know, since Russians are fucking monsters who are killing and raping innocent people. More: NPR

Note nine: Congrats to Kansas on winning a championship or whatever.

Note 10: We’re having a big day. Not only did we discover some groomers in Tennessee, but here’s some voter fraud. Yeah, it was a guy who worked for Trump. And guess what — he’s totally gonna get away with it. More: Associated Press

Note 11: Oh nothing just the head of a border patrol union spouting white replacement theory on teevee. More: Crooks and Liars

Note 12: The Michigan Republican Party is basically just a terrorist organization at this point. More: Washington Post

Note 13: We’re not gonna talk about Tim Scott voting against Judge Jackson. We’ll just say Tim Scott is a piece of shit.

Note 14: The U.S. Senate has agreed to a $10 billion COVID bill. If that sounds like peanuts, it is. More: CNBC

Note 15: Huge congrats to Joe Biden’s granddaughter Naomi who will be having a wedding reception at the White House. We don’t normally get behind stuff like this, but we love love. More: CNN

Note 16: Remember when this dude wanted to be president? LOL. We don’t even trust him to make us coffee. More: NPR

Note 17: Hey gosh, it sure looks like things are going great for Exxon. More: Reuters

Note 18: DirecTV is dropping OAN today. So if you want to hear some really dumb shit, you’ll have to switch over to Fox or open Facebook or read the New York Times. Bye, OAN. We hope you die (as a station). More: Bloomberg

Note 19: Lindsey Graham said yesterday that if Republicans were in charge, Judge Jackson would’ve never gotten a vote. If you were looking for pushback from CNN or Dick Durbin, we should probably introduce you to CNN or Dick Durbin. More: Business Insider

Note 20: Ok you beautiful freedom fighters, it’s news time. We hope y’all are having a great week, and we can’t wait to see you back here tomorrow. We are toying with taking Friday off, but we’ll let you know. Love y’all!

Bipartisan

Despite the horrific theatrics of some truly sick fucks, Judge Jackson is getting confirmed and she’s getting confirmed on a bipartisan basis. Senate Judiciary Republicans used yesterday to again accuse Judge Jackson of being friendly to pedophiles before voting against the judge and forcing an 11-11 deadlock in committee. That required Schumer to file a discharge petition to get her out of committee and that passed 53-47. Mittens Romney and Lisa Murkowski joined Susan Collins in voting for the judge. It’s really a shame our people aren’t better at politics, or else Lindsey would be eating shit right now. And we mean different shit than what he usually eats just for fun and because he likes the taste. More: Business Insider, Morning Consult

Bye, Fred

Well yet another of the 10 House Republicans who voted to impeach Trump is going down. Longtime Michigan Rep. Fred Upton announced today that he is retiring. This means the purge of the Republican Party is almost complete. Congrats to Donald Trump on the collection of freaks, losers and kiss-asses he now owns. More: Washington Post

Trash

Ivanka Trump is testifying remotely in front of the Jan. 6 committee. We put this in the news section just because we wanted to remind everyone that while the terrorists were attacking our Capitol, Ivanka called them “patriots.” Fuck that trash. More: CNBC

Today’s clips

The last time President Barack Obama was in the White House was on Jan. 20, 2017, when he left to escort his successor — bent on overturning “Obamacare” — to the Capitol to be inaugurated.

Obama returns to the White House on Tuesday for a moment he can savor. His signature Affordable Care Act is now part of the fabric of the American health care system, and President Joe Biden is looking to extend its reach. Sign-ups under the health law have increased under Biden’s stewardship, and more generous taxpayer subsidies have cut costs for enrollees, albeit temporarily. More: Associated Press

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