Today's Big Stuff 4.4.22

4.4.22

It’s Monday. There are 218 days until the midterm elections. Holy freaking crap Obama’s returning to the White House, we’re confirming a new justice this week and Trump endorses Palin while calling her “smart.”

Be advised: Y’all know we love cussing and misspelling shit. What? Sometimes we get it right.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed the hell outta you! How was your weekend? Did you like the people who picked your keys out of the bowl? Oh you’re not a House Republican? Well good for you. That explains your smarts and excellent taste. Well in addition to confirming that you’re not a swinging House R, we’ve got a special treat for you this Monday. Y’all ready?

You might recall that after Abercrombie and Fascist Tucker Carlson and his band of merry lunatics went nuts over Disney releasing a version of Minnie Mouse that wasn’t wearing a dress, we had on Mickey Mouse to talk about how fucked it was that a grown ass man would have such strong sexual feelings about a cartoon. Well folks, now that Florida Man Ron DeSantis has decided to declare war on a private business (how very conservative) for having the nerve to disagree with him, we just had to get Mickey back on the phone, and he graciously agreed to join us. Just like last time, we ask that you read this in Mickey’s unique high-pitched voice…

TBS: Is Mickey there?

MM: You got the mouse.

TBS: Dude, thanks for joining us again.

MM: No problem. You guys are the only ones who let me say what I really want to say.

TBS: That’s really cool, man. We’re honored. What do you want to say today?

MM: Fuck Ron DeSantis. Fuck him with Pluto’s bone.

TBS: Oh wow. Yeah, so he’s really coming after you and talking about legislative retribution.

MM: Fucking-a right he is. That guy fucking sucks. And if he wants a fight, he’s gonna get a fight. Don’t let the voice fool you. This mouse can throw down.

TBS: Yeah, we can’t help but notice your adorable cartoon brass knuckles and that Goofy is standing behind you holding a baseball bat with a nail through it.

MM: We didn’t start this shit. They did when they decided to fuck with gay people. Now look, Mickey has made some, um, mistakes when it comes to basic human decency in the past, and I’m trying to do right this time.

TBS: Damn this is getting deep for a joke interview.

MM: You’re goddamn right.

TBS: Well ok, Mick, anything else before we go?

MM: I just want to say your readers are very sexy, and Ron DeSantis is a punk bitch who’s about to learn my name.

TBS: Wow ok. Thanks, Mickey! Good luck!

Well there you have it, SPs. It sure sounds like Mickey Mouse isn’t fucking around. Of course shareholders are a different story. Stay strong, Disney!

Note two: Always great when we can start the week by defiling a beloved childhood character, but like we always say — they started it.

Note three: Our friend Rex Chapman’s new show on CNN+ starts today, and he talked to the NYT about going from being addicted to opioids and sleeping in his car to having a new show and trying to make his kids proud.

Note four: Speaking of sports, congrats to the South Carolina Gamecocks on winning the women’s NCAA tournament. Dawn Staley is a boss, and the broadcast featuring Sue Bird, Diana Taurasi, Megan Rapinoe and their red solo cups was fun as hell. More: Yahoo News

Note five: And it was way better than watching Louis CK win a fucking grammy. Are we gonna all freak out for a week over this shit? Because we’re way more offended by that piece of shit winning an award than anything Will Smith did. NO LINK

Note six: The Grammys did have a special guest, however, as President Zelensky continued to rally the world behind the American people. The images and stories coming out of Bucha right now are nothing short of evil, and we will not forget the monsters who did it or the monsters who enabled them. More: CNN

Note seven: This was also pretty cool.

Note eight: The world did experience a major setback as Putin ally and Tucker Carlson hero Viktor Orban “won” re-election over the weekend. The forces of evil are powerful, and we should take note when Marjorie Taylor Gross and DeSantis’s spokeswoman are cheering them on. More: CNN

Note nine: Oh great. We just started incorporating tweets into this newslette and here comes Elon to fuck it all up. More: CNBC

Note 10: LOLOL. It’s so important to laugh these days, so big thank yous to Trump and Devin Nunes for absolutely tanking Truth Social and making it yet another joke in a long line of Trump business idea punchlines. More: The Daily Beast, Reuters

Note 11: The beltway press had one of their fart-sniffing orgies this weekend, and while they were there, Gov. Sununu of New Hampshire said Trump was “fucking crazy.” Seventeen monocles were broken in the ensuing outrage. More: Associated Press

Note 12: We didn’t think gutter trash Josh Mandel could get any worse. We were wrong. More: ABC News

Note 13: Another mass shooting. This time in Sacramento. It’s the America Republicans wanted for us. More: Sac Bee

Note 14: Hey, Trump, stop talking about Psaki’s hair because you’re grossing us all the fuck out. More: Independent

Note 15: It sounds like Biden is just as sick of Garland’s bullshit as we are. The only difference is we’re not the ones who made that motherfucker AG. More: New York Times

Note 16: One of Michigan’s craziest people has been disqualified from the ballot. Now do Trump. More: Detroit News

Note 17: Huge congrats to the Amazon workers who fought Bezos and won. David made Goliath cry and we’re here for it all day. More: New York Times

Note 18: Trump announced that Madison Cawthorn will be a speaker at his rally in North Carolina this weekend. He had him at cocaine orgies. =

Note 19: Thank you to Eric Boehlert for writing about the press’s fucked up treatment of Biden.

Note 20: OK, SPs, let us hustle our hot asses on over to the news. We hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and we just know this week is gonna be amazing. Love y’all!

Run it back

President Obama is going back to the White House. No, not like that. The 44th president will be back at 1600 on Tuesday to celebrate the success of the Affordable Care Act. It’s a pretty smart thing to do when Republicans like Ron Johnson are still trying to repeal the law and take away health insurance from millions of Americans. Plus you know it will make Trump shit blood. More: NBC News

It’s past time

While we were writing this morning, Lindsey Graham was busy being the worst. Yeah, Senate Judiciary is voting on Judge Jackson’s confirmation, and Lindsey said if Republicans were in charge that the judge would not have gotten a hearing. He’s calling her soft on crime and just generally being a monster. Durbin and Leahy offered some weak pushback. The vote will almost definitely be locked at 11-11 because Republicans are racist scumbags. Schumer will have to force a discharge to get the judge out of committee, but by the end of the week, we should have a new Supreme Court justice. More: NBC News

LOLOL

You won’t be shocked to learn that Sarah Palin heard about cocaine orgies in Congress and decided to throw her hat in the ring. Palin, a pioneer in making this country too stupid to live, almost immediately won the backing of another destructive moron — Donald Trump. There’s a lot to make fun of here, but our favorite part was when Trump called Palin “smart.” LOL. Sure, bro. Principled too. More: CNN

Today’s clips

NO CLIPS HAVE A GREAT WEEK

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