Today's Big Stuff 4.27.22

4.27.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 196 days until the midterm elections. Kevin McCarthy is an endless disaster, wishing the best to our VP and Biden brings a hostage home.

Be advised: We’re taking off Thursday and Friday, but we promise to cuss a lot and spell shit wrong in our personal lives two.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s true that we’re going to take a couple of days off so Sam can sit in a little chair in the corner and wonder where everything went wrong. Hey, we offered to get him a cake, but he said this is his birthday tradition. Sounds fun. But before we depart, we want to talk about what we’re calling the Grinch problem.

Yeah, we’re totally gonna fuck up another beloved childhood memory for you. Sorry about that. So what is the Grinch problem? Well most of us saw Dr. Seuss’s the Grinch, and saw that nasty fucker steal them nice Who people’s Christmas and then we saw his heart grow five sizes, proving to hopeless optimists everywhere that anyone can change — even the kind of piece of shit who steals a whole town’s Christmas and makes his little tiny dog pull the fucking overloaded sleigh.

We saw the Grinch problem when Trump was elected. Otherwise smart and sexy people were like hey maybe it won’t be the bad and he won’t kill like a million of us and the whole fucking country runs out of toilet paper. And we all know how that shit turned out. Now we’re seeing the Grinch problem with Elon. So let’s say this — there is no better Elon. He is exactly the dorky monster you think he is. And yes, he is probably going to fuck up twitter beyond recognition. Hell, yesterday he was pushing that stupid fucking Hunter Biden shit.

So no, we are not expecting him to change or become a better person or make twitter an even remotely better experience. We’re expecting him to care about himself, attack anyone who disagrees and unleash the scum of the earth on decent people everywhere. And you know what — we’ve been there done that. That’s right. Trump did all that shit already. So bring it on, Elonius. We ain’t scared of you. And if we see the Grinch, we’re kicking his fucking ass.

Note two: We’ve had a few TBSers tell us they’re done with Twitter, and we completely understand. So if you’re going to a different site like counter.social, then please look us up and help spread the deranged gospel of TBS.

Note three: Ok, enough about that shit. Y’all want to talk politics? Did you see Madison Cawthorn was cited for taking a loaded gun in an airport? Again? Hey here’s a question what the fuck do dangerous white motherfuckers have to do to go to jail?

Note four: Wow. We always knew little Russian Randy was one of Putin’s less distinguished chumps, but watching him air Putin talking points in a Senate hearing was still pretty stunning.

Note five: Btw, Morning Joe described that exchange as a “spar.” Why do progressives watch that stupid shit?

Note six: LOL. We swear we’re not making this up — Susan Collins says Elon should let Trump back on twitter. Maybe she wants some more Capitol police to commit suicide. More: Bangor Daily News

Note seven: Here are some details on Madeleine Albright’s funeral. More: CNN

Note eight: Herschel Walker says he isn’t vaccinated. We are not even a little surprised. We definitely put him in the Drinks-His-Own-Pee camp. More: AJC

Note nine: We should all really be terrified that Ted Cruz’s mentor is warning of the fall of democracy. And by “we” we mean the chickenshit Senate Democrats who have dragged their feet on this. More: CNN

Note 10: The NY AG says she is almost done with her investigation of Trump. The wheels of justice move so slowly they’re just about to fall off. More: CNN

Note 11: President Biden has nominated more judges today, and that includes some more public defenders because fuck Josh Hawley. More: Reuters

Note 12: Los Angeles has a Trump lunatic who claims to be a Democrat as their sheriff. If you live in LA, vote this crazy fucker out. More: LA Times

Note 13: We love Sherrod Brown. And we truly hate the sick racist fucks who pushed him here.

Note 14: We don’t know what Biden is going to do on student loans. We do know we are getting kicked in the teeth by young voters who are wondering why they bothered to vote. More: CBS News

Note 15: Imagine what the press response would look like if Rep. Omar had done what Rep. Perry did. More: CNN

Note 16: Did you see Merrick Garland testify yesterday? Yeah, we were oh so happy to hear that a Trump AG is handling the Hunter Biden case. We are truly the Stop-Hitting-Yourself of political parties. More: CNN

Note 17: Want to see something fucking amazing?

Note 18: It’s pretty stunning the way Wisconsin Republicans just never stopped trying to overturn the 2020 election, and national Democrats just pretend to not see it. More: Associated Press

Note 19: Some Texas residents are suing over book bans. We need way more of this. More: Washington Post

Note 20: Michelle Childs is having her hearing today. We’d be happier for her if Lindsey Graham wasn’t such a big fan.

Note 21: Ok, you gorgeous freedom fighters, we should get to the news. And then we’re off for a few days so Sam can celebrate getting older. We love y’all so much. Please don’t stress too much about that weird asshole who bought Twitter. We’ll fight back together. Y’all keep your heads up, and we’ll see you Monday. Stay sexy.

Oh Kevin

Yesterday we found out from more recordings that Kevin McCarthy thought some of his own members were dangerous. Today those same members gave him a standing ovation, but only after Steve Scalise reassured accused child rapist Matt Gaetz that all is well. These are some seriously fucked up people. More: New York Times, The Hill

Get well!

Ugh. Vice President Kamala Harris tested positive for COVID yesterday. She is asymptomatic and reportedly doing just fine, but still our hearts skipped a beat because we love this woman. Please get well soon! More: CNN

Woohoo!!!

Biden has brought home a U.S. hostage from Russia. Former Marine Trevor Reed, whose parents met with the president about a month ago, was freed in exchange for a convicted Russian drug dealer. Apparently the airport exchange was like something out of a movie. Well done, Mr. President! More: CNN

Today’s clips

NO CLIPS SEE Y’ALL SOON

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.