Today's Big Stuff 4.20.22

4.20.22

It’s Weed-nesday. There are 203 days until the midterm elections. Biden’s sending more weapons to Ukraine, DeSantis fights Disney while the world fights Putin and Mittens has a sad.

Be advised: Come get your cuss words and misspelled words while they’re hat. Hot. Fuck.

Note: Yoooooooo. What’s the haps, cool cats? It’s 4/20, and we’re keeping shit groovy. Does that mean less cussing? No it does not. There ain’t enough weed on the planet to make us stop cussing about shit like this…

What the fuck?! Keep that man away from Disney and all toy aisles. Hell, keep him away from Cinemax too. We might think ol’ Ted had gotten in the reefer too, but he’s definitely a narc. Would weed make Ted cooler? Or is that asking weed to do the impossible? We don’t think it’s a coincidence that legalization really got started across the country after we all met Ted Cruz. The whole country was like yikes we’re gonna need something to deal with this asshole.

And really, can you blame anyone for toking up when deranged little losers like that are running things? Hell no! We say blaze away. In fact, Sam was gonna use today’s opening intro to teach you how to make a bong out of a Datsun, but then we figured nobody has a Datsun anymore. So instead, let us show you something that will make you high on life…

Now if that doesn’t deserve a Keanu Reeves WOAH, then what does? Because y’all, that shit is exactly what it’s going to take from each last motherfucking one of us if we’re gonna beat these sick fucks. We didn’t start this fight, but we have to be ready to push back when it comes to us. The people who want to see Disney characters do each other are inexhaustible and relentless. But we’re smarter and better looking. And we’re way cooler. Especially on 4/20. Y’all have an awesome day.

Note two: We had a whole thing about Michelle Obama saying when they go low we get high, but it turns out that’s not what she said. We know because we read a Melania speech to make sure. LOL. Remember how Melania plagiarized Michelle? Crazy shit, man.

Note three: One actual 4/20 news nugget is Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton calling out the Biden administration for continuing to harsh the district’s mellow when it comes to selling weed. This is such a disaster, and we really can’t figure out why our own party is doing this shit.

Note four: Uh-oh. It’s not great for Biden or our party or the country and the immunocompromised that the mask mandate is going bye-bye while a majority of Americans still want it. The White House is saying they’ll appeal the ruling if the CDC wants them to. More: Associated Press

Note five: We need the Jan. 6 committee to get it going because those coup sonsofbitches never stopped. More: New York Times

Note six: Remember how a Supreme Court justice is married to an insurrectionist? Well thank goodness someone at CNN does. More: CNN

Note seven: Dear beltway reporters, please find the guts to do this.

Note eight: We’re always shocked when a Trumper turns out to have some standards. When several of them do, it’s flat out mind-blowing. More: NBC News

Note nine: This dude was like the most conservative judge ever, and he’s like yeah I’ll testify about Jan. 6. More: CBS News

Note 10: We like the show Winning Time, and we think Jerry West, who accepted a medal from Donald Trump, is being a big baby. How did these guys live in LA for so long and learn nothing about Hollywood?

Note 11: Yesterday we told you about how angry Glenn Greenwald and co were that the Washington Post revealed the person behind an account that had been driving hate and harassment. So last night Tucker Carlson told us the real story — that the German government and the Biden administration were behind the whole thing. And you thought the testicle tanning was dumb. More: The Daily Beast

Note 12: Wow! This totally changes our opinion of Bill O’Reilly. LOL. More: One Mile At A Time

Note 13: So our position at this point is Saudi Arabia can go fuck itself. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 14: Holy shit! The U.S. lost $9 billion in GDP because of Greg Abbott’s bullshit stunt?! Why the fuck isn’t this a bigger story?! More: Axios

Note 15: This is one of our favorite Jan. 6 losers so far. Just had to brag to the Uber driver. More: NBC News

Note 16: Yesterday was the 35th anniversary of the first time the Simpsons ever appeared on tv. It shaped us in ways we can’t even describe, and it’s safe to say this newsletter wouldn’t exist if they didn’t.

Note 17: Ok, SPs, we’re gonna boogie on over to the news section a little early today because it’s 4/20 and you know. We hope y’all are having a kick ass week. You’re more than halfway through it. Just hang in there and, as always, stay the fuck away from Ted Cruz.

Keep going

President Biden said yesterday that he is going to send another $800 million worth of weapons to Ukraine, which is bad news for Russian generals. The situation in the country continues to be heartbreaking as Maripol is surrounded and barely hanging on. Still, Kyiv stands, and Ukraine has shown the world it is not afraid. More: Axios

Free market

Florida dictator Ron DeSantis has decided to use the full weight of the state to attack a private company because it had the gall to question his bigotry. Yeah, Florida Republicans are going all in in trying to punish Disney for opposing the Don’t Say Gay law. We don’t know how to break this to y’all, but all that talk of free markets was apparently bullshit. DeSantis also wants to punish Twitter for not giving itself to Elon. This is some pretty fucked up shit even for Florida. More: MSNBC, Independent

Oh Mittens

Whenever Mitt Romney does something decent like voting to confirm Judge Jackson, you can almost count down to when he’s doing to do something stupid to show everyone what a big tough Republican he is. Today Mittens is on the editorial page of the WSJ saying that Biden needs to ditch his “woke” advisers and do stuff like fix the supply chain. Yeah, it’s super lame even for Mittens. But we’re really hoping someone asks him what “woke” means. More: NO LINK

Today’s clips

Shares of Netflix (NFLX) are imploding after the company reported its first quarterly loss of subscribers in more than a decade, far underperforming expectations and worrying investors that had been betting that a handful of big tech companies would continue to grow at a rapid clip. More: CNN

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