Today's Big Stuff 4.19.22

4.19.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 204 days until the midterm elections. A dumbass Trump judge plays doctor, Marjorie is sweating and Tim Scott wants to be president really bad. 

Be advised: We say cuss words the way Republicans say stupid shit — loudly, confidently and constantly. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you?! Well you smell fucking fantastic. Can a newsletter actually smell you and your awesomeness? Well this one can, but only because we’re some innovative motherfuckers. And today, inspired by our dear Ukrainian friends, we’re about to drop a whole load of innovation on y’all. Sorry. That sounded like some Tucker Carlson shit. 

Last night, as we were reading about the Russian offensive, we thought back to the early days of this ugly war and how everyone expected Ukraine to fall pretty quickly to the military might of the assholes who gave us Trump. But as a sunk ship and a shitload of dead generals will tell you, that ain’t what happened. 

Breathtaking. Ukrainians have shown the world so much, and one of the things they’ve done is teach us a lesson in the bullshit of inevitability.Every goddamn day we’re told by non-psychics at places like the New York Times and CBS that Republicans are going to win the midterms. These are the same people who were so sure that Ukraine would fall quickly or that Trump could never win or if he did he’d be a moderate. So it seems pretty clear they don’t have crystal balls, and if they do, they left them out in the sun too long. All of this is a long windup to introduce TBS’s first official mascot — Fuckface the Optimistic Asshole. 

Handsome, right? Please give a warm TBS welcome to Fuckface, who will be here to cheer us on, smoke more crack than Mike Lindell and remind us all that things aren’t as bad as they seem. And when you get sick of hearing that shit, all you have to do is say “Please go away, Fuckface,” and while he won’t go away, he will try to find a new way to inspire you to keep fighting. Actually, maybe we don’t need a deranged mascot. Maybe we’ll just keep talking about how much we need Americans to adopt the same kind of urgent desperate resolve that we’re seeing in Ukraine.

Getting people to take advice from a cracked out aardvark named Fuckface is probably easier though. 

Note two: LOL. We were really overdue to get a crack-smoking mascot. Thanks to Kyle Shivers for creating Fuckface.

Note three: Have you ever heard of Libs of TikTok? Well WaPo found out who’s behind it and pretend journalist Glenn Greenwald is absolutely freaking out about it. Fuck that lady and mothefuck Glenn. More: Washington Post

Note four: Russia should never have fucked with Ukraine. And fucking with Chef Andres’ kitchens is like fucking with John Wick’s dog. More: NPR

Note five: Wow. MSNBC analyst Malcolm Nance has joined the fight in Ukraine. Godspeed, sir. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: Ummm, someone should lock up this groomer. More: Yahoo News

Note seven: The stories about Truth Social are like new episodes of Ted Lasso except funnier and more uplifting. More: The Daily Beast

Note eight: Yikes. Kim Guilfoyle met with the Jan. 6 committee for almost 10 hours yesterday. That must’ve really sucked for the committee. More: NBC News

Note nine: JD Vance is super happy to have the endorsement of a man he called “America’s Hitler.” Imagine going through all that just to work with Mitch McConnell. More: Ohio Capital Journal

Note 10: Now here’s what we like to see! Democrats on offense! Now we just need Joe to start screaming about he’s going to rip off some heads and shit down some necks. Ok that probably won’t happen, but this is a good start.

Note 11: It’s good to see other people starting to freak out about the shit that’s been freaking us out for years now. More: New York Times

Note 12: Bad news about Alex Jones is better than sex. More: Huff Post

Note 13: Oh look, a billionaire asshole and his Republican friends through a party for Joe Manchin. That corrupt piece of shit is lucky to have the press covering him that he does. More: CNBC

Note 14: We forgot to mention that another truly corrupt piece of shit is trying to join the Senate. It says a lot about the strength of the media and the Democratic Party that these fuckers keep getting off the mat like nap time just ended. More: Esquire

Note 15: We’ll talk more about this in a second, but Delta Airlines in a statement decided that COVID-19, which has killed a million Americans, “has transitioned to an ordinary seasonal virus.” Ok, well fuck Delta then. More: AJC

Note 16: Ronny Jackson, the only doctor in the world dumber than Rand Paul, has been brought into the Jan. 6 conversation. He’s probably gonna respond by doing drugs and making crazy claims. POLITICO STORY NO LINK

Note 17: You know that Nebraska scumbag who has been accused of sexual harrassment and assault by several women including one GOP state senator? Trump is doing a rally for him next week. It’s almost like he didn’t become a better person after trying to overthrow the government. 

Note 18: Ok, you super Sexy Patriots, we’re gonna get to the news because we’ve got a dentist appointment and we need some time to freak out beforehand. But we’re sure it’s going to be ok. We know that because Fuckface says it’s going to be ok. Thanks, Fuckface. And thanks to all of you. Have a great day!

Thanks, doc

A 33-year-old federal judge, who was appointed by Trump and rated not qualified by the ABA, decided yesterday that mask mandates for travel were illegal. The airlines didn’t wait two fucking seconds to agree, with some pilots announcing midflight to trapped passengers that masks could come off. Uber followers suit this morning. We’re sure this will be fine, and there definitely won’t be another wave or more death. These judges are going to kill us all, but the reality is that the White House was probably happy to see this happen. They can pull the plug on the mandates and blame a Trump judge for doing so. More: CNN

Marjorie Taylor Gross

She’s freaking a bit. Last night she went on Tucker’s show and didn’t even talk about testicle tanning. Why is she freaking? No, it’s not Jewish space lasers this time. It’s these folks…

It’s the lord’s work they’re doing. Fuck off back to hell, Marjorie. 

Oh Tim

Tim Scott is going all in on the anti-critical race theory thing because he wants racist white people to love him so he can be a successful Republican politician. According to Axios, Scott will give a speech at the Reagan Library tonight and he’ll say we shouldn’t teach kids that they are “oppressors.” He’s planning to make the same sick attacks we’ve heard from lots of assholes. He’s a garbage human being, and he can eat Trump shit. More: Axios

Today’s clips

John Eastman, a far-right lawyer for then-President Donald Trump who wanted to block his electoral loss in 2020, is still withholding about 3,200 documents from the House Select Committee investigating the January 6 insurrection, according to a new court filing this week. More: CNN

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