Today’s Big Stuff 4.18.22

Today’s Big Stuff 4.18.22

It’s Monday. There are 205 days until the midterm elections. Florida says math is critical race theory, Clarence Thomas is back at work because there are no rules and bracing for the next coup.

Be advised: We have potty mouths, messed up senses of humor and shitty spelling, so just be glad we’re not doing a countdown to the midterm erections.

Note: What do you think, Sexy Patriots? Was the Be Advised line clever or gross? Despite our abhorrent language and that one issue we did when we claimed that Mike Pence’s real name was Mouth Penis (we have got to stop bringing that up), we do actually have lines we try not to cross. It’s true that they are damn hard to see, and you could be forgiven for thinking we don’t have any standards at all. But we do. And that’s why this has us so fucking flummoxed…

Ummmm. So, yeah. We…uh…the thing is… yeah… What the fuck are we supposed to do with that? We have no idea how to make fun of this weird shit, and frankly we’re almost afraid to because Tucker might make us go to the gym or spread our legs outside to tan our special under bits. No, we haven’t totally lost it, and no, we’re not making that up.

Yeah. So we’re at such a loss as to what to do here that we’re just waving the white flag. That’s right. If you can’t beat the nut-sunners (ball-bronzers?), then you might as well join ‘em. TBS, no, don’t do it you’re so sexy! We appreciate that, but we must do this. So Tucker, it’s time you learned about Testicle Shakes. Basically you just cut those bastards off, stick ‘em in a blender with milk and ice and drink whatever you get. Does that sound extreme and extremely gross? Of course it does. But it’s not any crazier than doing the same fucked up shit to your brains, and Tuck and co clearly did that years ago.

Anyway, happy Monday. We hope you have a great week.

Note two: BTW, if you didn’t see it, Trump sent us an Easter message. This is real. “Happy Easter to all including the Radical Left Maniacs who are doing everything possible to destroy our Country. May they not succeed, but let them, nevertheless, be happy, healthy, wealthy, and well.” He wrote this while not being president because he’s a loser who sucks.

Note three: It’s Tax Day. Try to think of funding nutritional assistance for kids instead of bombs and Kevin McCarthy’s driver.

Note four: Rick Scott keeps saying he wants to raise taxes on everyone. And considering he’s basically ripping off his fellow GOP senators, we should really believe him. More: Washington Post

Note five: Remember last week when we learned that Mitch McConnell was part of covering up Trump’s coup attempt and Mike Lee was actually in on it? Well neither of those things made it to the major Sunday shows because we don't have reporters. We have Trump groupies, and it’s killing us.

Note six: Biden is requiring U.S. steel for infrastructure. Makes us want to put on a hard hat. Except we don’t look tough when we do it. We look like we’re dressing up as tough for Halloween. More: Axios

Note seven: LOLOL. Alex Jones’s InfoWars has filed for bankruptcy. Congrats to the brave Sandy Hook families who took the trash out. More: Reuters

Note eight: How can you not love this Vice President? Pence thinks Wordle is a tool of the devil. More: The Ringer

Note nine: We didn’t know until today just how badly we want a Picasso that was owned by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. More: CNN

Note 10: The people leading this charge probably just have economic anxiety. More: Washington Post

Note 11: It seems like it should be more than a throwaway Friday story that so many Republican candidates are credibly accused abusers. More: NY Times

Note 12: Sam Alito is a real piece of shit. And Obama was right. More: Brennan Center

Note 13: The asshole guv of Texas finally surrendered that bullshit stunt at the border that royally fucked up supply chains and resulted in millions of dollars of wasted food. More: Texas Tribune

Note 14: Alaskans don’t seem 100 percent on Sarah Palin. Probably because she’s a fucking moron. More: Washington Post

Note 15: In today’s installment of Kyrsten Sinema is the goddamn worst and we hate her. More: CNBC

Note 16: This is so fucking cool. The Harlem Cultural Festival is firing back up. If you’ve seen Summer of Soul, then you are extremely fired up to hear this news. More: Variety

Note 17: Hard to believe it’s Day 53 in Ukraine. It’s also Day 53 of us wondering why in the hell Russia was dumb enough to fuck with these people.

Note 18: This would be a great week for Chuck Schumer to stop being such a wimp and actually call out McConnell and Mike Lee for trying to overturn an election. But we don’t have our hopes up.

Note 19: Want to see something awesome? More: CNN

Note 20: Ok, you beautiful lovers of liberty, let’s get to the news. We hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and you can bet this week is gonna kick so much ass. Love y’all!

1 + 1 = orange

Florida is rejecting 41 percent of its new math books because the state says they contain critical race theory. So what do they actually say? We don’t know because they won’t tell us. Yes, that is extremely fucked up. And that’s not all. Republicans have declared war on public libraries, and they’re getting rid of books they find pornographic. This country already has a devastating idiot problem. This will only make it much much worse. More: CNN, Washington Post

Does anything matter?

Just a few weeks after we learned that Clarence Thomas’s wife was part of an attempted coup against the United States, Thomas is back at work like nothing happened. It doesn’t help that Democratic leadership had to be begged to say something about it. This is all so fucked up. Didn’t we elect people to call this shit out?!

We are sooooo fucked

So the NYT did a long story about how Trump is a party boss from Mar-a-Lago, but they completely white-washed it and gave Roger Stone a clean description so we’re not linking to it. We will however link to this story from NBC about how Trump is making all the right moves to make sure his next coup works. What are we doing in response? Great question. More: NBC News

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