Today's Big Stuff 4.14.22

4.14.22

It’s Thursday. There are 209 days until the midterm elections. Mitch McConnell should be feeling some heat (so why ain’t he?), Biden sends weapons to Ukraine and wondering if Elon will destroy twitter or the world first. 

Be advised: We use bad words and even worse spilling. We mean spelling goddamnit. 

Note: Huddle up, Sexy Patriots! It’s pep talk time! Yesterday we received an email from a loyal SP who said they are running out of patience waiting for something good to happen. Well we can sure appreciate that. We’re living through a fucking pandemic, the return of fucking facism and the death of our fucking planet. It all really fucking sucks. BUT… and you know we love big buts and we cannot lie… there is hope. Please say hello to Zack…

Fucking-a, right! That’s the man! And he’s also a great reminder to follow the advice of that ol’ foul-mouthed Mr. Rogers who said “look for the motherfucking helpers.” Ok so maybe he didn’t put it quite that way and maybe it’s a little blasphemous to suggest Mr. Rogers talked like that, but the point is this — there is still good everywhere, and that’s what we’re fighting for. 

You might remember that back in 2016, America’s ass exploded. You probably even remember the awful sound it made. And that national butt explosion left the whole goddamn country covered in shit. For years, it only got worse as Trump and his ilk used the loads of poop shrapnel like a dim-witted child with fingerpaints. Then we sent someone in to clean up the shit, and he’s working on it but there’s still crap everywhere. Still, underneath that shit there is a lot of beauty, and we still believe with all our hearts that we’re going to grow a beautiful country out of it. After all, shit makes for great fertilizer. 

So please hang in there, Sexy Patriots, keep fighting that good fight and try to see through all the crap to the shit-covered goodness that is America. 

Note two: Let’s see Lee Greenwood’s loser ass top that. 

Note three: LOLOL. Ukraine took out a Russian ship. We’ve seen reports that it was one of the ships that shelled Snake Island. So if you’re keeping score, first Ukrainians told the ship to go fuck itself and then they fucked it up. We’ll say it for the billionth time — DO NOT fuck with Ukraine. More: Axios

Note four: Hey, here’s a question — who are the House members that Russia didn’t sanction? We’ve got a hunch we already know. More: CNN

Note five: Hahahahahahahahahahaha. It’s not even our birthday, but our old buddy Devin Nunes keeps going on Fox to say that Twitter is dead and the real party is over on Truth Social, whatever the fuck that is. Hahahahahahahahaha. Sure, bro. You go on ahead and we’ll all be there in a minute. If we don’t show up, just smack yourself in the face and wait longer. 

Note six: The season finale of Abbott Elementary was this week. It’s sooooo good. We’re also really digging Severance and Winning Time. Nobody is paying us to say these things, but if they want to, that would be super cool.

Note seven: Stephen Miller is appearing before the Jan. 6 committee today. We hope they hired an exorcist or at least got some incense to get rid of the sulfur smell. More: Associated Press

Note eight: How badly has Putin miscalculated? Finland and Sweden are looking to join NATO. And of course Putin is threatening to put nukes in the Baltics. This is the worst game of Risk ever. More: CNBC

Note nine: Seems like things are going totally normal in Tennessee…

Note 10: This is a rough but necessary read. There have been questions about Sen. Feinstein for a while now, and this story will definitely add to them. More: SF Chronicle

Note 11: On the good news front, the president has signed a bill into law that will install statues of Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg at the Capitol. Let’s hope a mob of Republicans doesn’t tear them down the next time they attack our country. More: 19th News

Note 12: Yesterday Kentucky joined the list of states passing laws outlawing abortion and being trans as Red America becomes even less distinguishable than the goddamn Taliban. There’s a lot of beauty in Kentucky. There’s a lot of ugly too. More: CNN

Note 13: BTW, today is Day 50 of the Russian war against Ukraine. Pretty amazing, right?

Note 14: Trump was saving his own version of this scandal for a second term. More: The Guardian

Note 15: Trump went on Hannity last night and still wouldn’t say anything bad about Putin. He did say he knows the Russian murderer about as well as he knows Hannity. He also said he fixed NATO. LOL. More: NO LINK

Note 16: Mitch McConnell has taken Herschel Walker to policy school. Wonder if he’ll lie about being valedictorian there too. More: AJC

Note 17: When we say this yesterday, it made us see red. It got worse when we saw our own party telling us we should ignore Republicans when they accuse us of being sick criminals just for living our goddamn lives. More: Buzzfeed News

Note 18: It looks like the DNC is getting serious about moving on from Iowa and New Hampshire. And really it’s probably past time. More: NBC News

Note 19: Ron DeSantis might be the most dangerous and most racist Republican out there. And buddy, that is really saying something. More: CNN

Note 20: We’re really trying hard to not acknowledge the scummy stunt the Texas guv is doing by sending undocumented immigrants to DC. Hope y’all don’t mind if we don’t give that shit anymore attention.

Note 21: Ok, you beautiful gorgeous hotter than the sun patriots, let’s do some news. Together, we can dig through the shit and find the good. Love y’all!

Turtle soup

As we’ve been screaming for more than a year now, Mitch McConnell knew that Trump was trying to overturn the election and kept it to himself. We know now for sure thanks to two New York Times reporters who kept this vital information for their book while Mitch got away with everything. Thank god for the watchdogs. The question now becomes will the press keep asking Mitch about it and will Chuck Schumer discover the guts to say a single fucking thing about it. More: Esquire

$800 million

It can be tempting to follow the twitter army to some silly beliefs. Like the idea that the U.S. hasn’t done anything to help Ukraine. Well we sure as shit have, and now we’re doing even more. President Zelensky asked for weapons, and President Biden said ok. Yesterday the two men talked and Biden approved the sale of some serious weaponry. Happy hunting, Ukraine. More: CNN

Yikes

If you’ve been on twitter today, then you’ve seen the freak out. Elon Musk has offered to buy the company outright for $43 billion. Yeah, it’s pretty fucking crazy. We all know that if twitter agrees to this, then twitter is probably going to die and democracy will not be far behind. We have no idea what’s going to happen, but we did find this reality check helpful…

Today’s clips

Police in Grand Rapids, Michigan, on Wednesday released several videos of an officer's encounter with Patrick Lyoya earlier this month, including two that show the fatal shot during a struggle after a traffic stop. More: CNN

One meteor traveled quite a long way from home to visit Earth. 

Researchers discovered the first known interstellar meteor to ever hit Earth, according to a recently released United States Space Command document. An interstellar meteor is a space rock that originates from outside our solar system -- a rare occurrence. More: CNN

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